Shame-All in One’s Head

As I pointed out in my last post, many things we are ashamed of or self-conscious about are primarily based on our internal perspective of our lives.  Not necessarily on the reality of the situations we are in.  But an example based on appearance was probably not the best way to illustrate that.  A better, non-appearance related manifestation of shame, would be a man's potential shame in not being able to fully provide for his family on his own.  This is something I have to be sensitive to when trying to help out other people in that regard.  Non-financial assistance is much less likely to trigger that form of shame.

The closest thing I can relate to that experience is shame that I don't have a family to support.  Shame is a pretty strong word for that, but in the right vein.  It is not necessarily shameful to not have a family, but being as how that is a conscious goal in my life, and has been for a long time, it represents a something significant that I have failed to accomplish at this point.  So I see that as a failure, when from a certain objective viewpoint, it is just a fact: I am single.  Other people in the exact same position, see that as a success.  It means that they have avoided commitment, getting tied down to a spouse, or getting pregnant, and still have their freedom and independence.

I have had multiple talks with friends in LA recently, who have very different values in regards to family.   I staged questions in the most rhetorical way I could, to favor the fulfillment and value in raising a family, and still did not get the answer I was expecting.  “So looking back twenty years from now, are you going to think: I am sure glad I did another 4 or 5 movie?”

“I know, some people just lose track of their priorities, and are deluding themselves into thinking what they doing is meaningful.”  I nod, thinking we are on the same page, as they continue.  “But every time I see someone married with kids, and she says she’s doing great, I think: you’re lying to yourself.”  Um…maybe not.  I can’t believe people think that way.  And people older than me technically are farther behind in the process of having kids, but the average age of a parent in Hollywood is 35-40.  But they don’t see that as a failure, and would instead be ashamed of caving to society’s pressure to follow the traditional route of getting married and having kids.

I also technically don’t have a regular full-time job, and have zero job security on paper.  Not having a job easily could represent a failure to be ashamed of, but in my case it represents success.  I am able to support myself by working on occasional projects, and am respected in my industry without having to maintain a full time presence.   Other people in that position, not having a stable job, or secure source of income, would consider that to be a failure to be ashamed of.  So the shame aspect is not based on the facts of the situation, but is in one’s head.  Two people with differing goals and values could find themselves in similar situations and have totally different perspectives, in regards to being proud or ashamed of their lives.  Failure is something I would identify with shame, as opposed to defect, which my logical mind usually distinguishes fairly strongly from shame.  But sometimes failure is something that can't be helped.

I have realized there are some situations that can’t be helped, that regardless of logic, I can imagine feeling shame about.  One of my friends recently had one of his “balls” removed due to cancer.  Not something that can be helped, nor anyone’s fault, but luckily has little impact on functionality, since there is a second healthy one.  But when I imagine what it would be like to reveal that issue to my (hypothetical) girlfriend, I cringe at the idea.  I know this would be an irrational (but very much real) manifestation of shame.  Guys irrationally draw at least a part of their identity from their “manhood,” similar to how girls draw part of their identity from their appearance.  Viewed in that light, I can relate to potential shame more than I originally recognized, especially of things that we “can’t help.”  I am just fortunate enough not to experience it to frequently.

The Appearance of Shame

I came across an interesting quote in C.S.Lewis’s epic novel Til We Have Faces: “Don't you think the things people are most ashamed of are the things they can't help?”  It is said by a character in regards to her appearance, but implied to apply elsewhere.  Being a rather logical person, I don't think this principle affects me as much as others, but I see it at work in the lives of those around me.

I am lucky enough to be blessed with a relatively healthy body and a sound mind, so I am reasonably strong and fit, and can see and hear well.  I have a good memory and can think fast.  I am disciplined and perseverant in most aspects of life.  Being without any significant defect or disadvantage, it could be argued that I am not qualified to discuss shame.  In reality, there are things about myself that I am ashamed of, but they are things that (I am at least under the illusion that) I have control over.  If I didn't believe I had control over them, I would simply dismiss them as "just the way God made me."  But I admittedly don't struggle with any issues that are easily visible to others, and directly impact my outward image (Besides my obvious lack of any fashion sense, but I can joke about that without shame, so I don't think that qualifies).

That idea of shame ties in strongly with the idea I discussed previously, about people being comfortable with who they are, and their appearance.  Not being comfortable with their outward appearance causes people try to change it, either to hide whatever aspect they are ashamed of, or to distract from it.  Once again, I do nothing to alter my appearance, because I am totally comfortable with how I look.  I am not arrogant enough to think I look particularly spectacular, but I recognized that I naturally look a certain way, and I am not going to try to change that.  In my opinion, most of the changes that people make to deliberately alter there appearance aren't necessarily improvements.  I am convinced that most of the benefits of those changes are entirely in their heads.

For example, as a nice little illustration of that, think about certain people's approach to wearing glasses.  Glasses can have a fairly dramatic effect on one's physical appearance.  And while glasses do imply a defect in one's vision, with 75% of people requiring some level of correction, that isn't the aspect that most people are self conscious about, as opposed to the effect on their appearance.  Some people never take their glasses off, and feel very vulnerable without them.  Besides improving their vision, it also gives them something to hide behind, from a psychological perspective.  Other people avoid being seen wearing their glasses at all, basically feeling the opposite way.  That basically goes to show that it is primarily an internal subjective feeling, as opposed to an objective reality about looking better or worse.  But I believe most things related to outward appearance are that way.  The end result is that some people are ashamed (or at least self conscious) to be seen wearing glasses, while others seem to feel naked without them.  Either way, they can’t help the fact that their vision needs some form of correction.  The only difference between these two reactions to that problem is in the minds of the people involved, and their perception of their own identity.  I find myself noticing when things like that happen, because I am always trying to look past the veil of the public image that people are deliberately projecting of themselves.  Depending on the person, that view can come from seeing someone take their glasses off, or by someone else putting theirs on.

Hiding Behind Appearances

"I've heard that guys really like seeing their girls in ways that other people don't get to see her, like without makeup, or in pajamas."  This is an interesting statement I heard recently, which I can definitely relate too.  Those types of situations have a certain level of intimacy to them.  This ties in well with another statement a friend of mine made the other day.  "Most girls these days aren't comfortable with who they are. They are concerned with how people think of them."  Much of what we see of people around us in daily life is the image that they are projecting.  And people who aren't comfortable with who they are, try to distract others with makeup, jewelry, died hair, tattoos, and a variety of other artificial changes to their appearance.  I welcome any window past all of that surface stuff, to more clearly see the individual person underneath all of that.

I usually feel much more trusting of, or connected with, people who don't appear to be as concerned with artificially controlling their appearance or image.  I recognize that is inherently still based on appearance being projected, but it is usually less artificial, and therefore seems more natural or authentic.  If I come across someone with green hair, dark eye shadow, and a bunch of tattoos, I am going to jump to the conclusion that they are hiding something behind all of that.  In reality, it is possible for the "normal looking" person right behind them to have even more issues, so it is by no means a foolproof assessment.  But it does accurately identify that they care about manipulating their outward appearance enough to pay for tattoos, and take the time and energy to die their hair and such.  That is a very different approach towards appearance than I take, and therefore, at the very least, we have very different values in that specific regard.  Being different is not bad, but definitely a barrier to trust in my case.

A while back, I was visiting a friend, and when I showed up that morning, she came to the door without any makeup, wearing a pair of oversized glasses, and a bright red, one piece pajama suit with built-in fluffy slippers.  I don't normally pay much attention to what other people are wearing, but that outfit didn't escape my notice.  She invited me in and we talked for a little while before she excused herself to go get dressed.  She emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later in shorts and a tank top, with her contacts in, all made up and ready to go out.  The transition was a pretty stark contrast from a few minutes before, and while that is not a bad thing, I did consciously appreciate the fact that she trusted me enough to give me a view past the image she creates for public consumption.  And I respect her lack of self consciousness about that contrast, being relaxed enough with who she is, to be seen either way.  When someone is not comfortable being seen at all in their most natural state, I think that is an identity problem.

So seeing someone "in ways that other people don't get to see her" can have an impact on my perception of them, because I very consciously value a view past any artificial public facade.  I tend to trust people more once I have seen past anything that is obviously artificial about their appearance.  I'd like to think that I don't let myself be too influenced by people's outward appearance, but I have come to recognize that while it doesn't usually have the stereotypical effect on me, appearance does greatly effect my perception of someone.  Does that cause me to rethink my approach to my own outward appearance?  Nope, not at all.  I do next to nothing to alter how I look, so whatever people see when they look at me, is the natural result of being me.  And I am comfortable with that, which seems like a fairly rare position to take.

Math, Statistics, and Sex

So I heard an interesting statistic being discussed on the news.  Supposedly an extensive survey found that in America the average number of heterosexual partners for a male is significantly higher than the number for a female.  They concluded that this is due to cultural pressure that identifies promiscuous males positively as "studs" while portraying promiscuous women negatively, as "sluts."  That is unfortunately not the correct explanation for the numbers they found.  The correct explanation is that one group or the other is exaggerating/lying, and this is easy to prove mathematically.

If we assume there are an equal number of males and females in the US, (The slight actual difference in the US is insignificant, but the only way for the averages to differ.) and remove same sex partners from the equation, the average number of partners will always be the same for both genders.  Every time two people sleep together for the first time, that adds one more to the total number of unique partners for both genders.  Even if one guy sleeps with ten girls, as long as there is an equal number of each gender in the sample pool, the average will always be exactly the same. (There must be nine other guys who hadn't seen any action in that case, and even if they had, it would have increased the female total by the same amount.)  The median may be different, but the average will always be the same.  Even if you factor in the weird cases, like if a guy sleeps with two girls at once, that adds two to his count, and one to each of theirs, for a total of two as well.  If you add up all of the partners that the members of one gender have slept with and divide by the total number of members of that gender, you will get an average.  All total numbers will be exactly the same for the other gender, and the average will always be exactly the same.  So a small difference can be attributed to anomalies from a limited sample size, but a significant difference must be attributed to inaccurate reporting by people about their experiences.  Now that lying or exaggeration might be attributable to those cultural perceptions about “studs and sluts,” but the actual numbers in reality will not reflect any results of that possible perception.

In China on the other hand, where there are many more males than females, due to gender selective abortions, the averages WILL be different.  If there are twice a many males than females, females will on average, have twice as many sexual partners as the guys will.  Although this appears to assume that the females will have to be more promiscuous for that to take place, that is not true.  The total number of partners will be the same for both genders (assuming no international relationships) because every new "union" always adds one to the total for both genders.  This is then divided by the total number of members of that gender.  If there are more of one gender, like twice as many guys, that will cut their average in half.  This is easy to visualize with a pool of just two guys and one girl.  Whether she sleeps with one or both, her average number of partners will be twice theirs.

So we can see that comparing the average number of partners between genders tells us absolutely nothing, because any true difference would merely reflect a difference in the number of each gender, not on their behavior. (Average number of partners, regardless of gender, is the only meaningful number that could be derived from this study.)  But somehow no one seems to notice that mathematical reality, and this study ends up making it into the national news, and discussed as if it actually reflects a gender issue in our society.  (And now you know what I ponder for the next few hours, when I hear something that ridiculous on the news while traveling, and don't have anything else to do for a while.)

Serious Relationships Discouraged by Our Culture

In the traditional approach to finding a potential spouse, the girl is supposed to be looking for a strong, dominant guy who can take care of her and protect her.  I hear it complained about a lot that those guys are hard to find, and that none of them "step up to the plate" to pursue a woman.  The only ones who do aggressively pursue women, are the shallow ones who are just looking for sex.  For a long time I have argued that this is due to the fact that most girls turn all of the "decent" guys down, which decreases their motivation to keep trying.  Also, most of the decent guys are responding to societies demand to temper "strong masculinity" in the name of reducing violence and being more sensitive.  And I see the church just further perpetuating that issue.

But I have a new theory to explain that phenomenon, not that the old one was wrong, just that it wasn't sufficient to explain the full magnitude of the problem.  If the most effective way to make a male more submissive is to withhold sex from him.  Technically, from the world of domesticated animals, we can see that the MOST effective method is a bit more permanent, but luckily society has not gone that far yet in its crusade against masculinity.  But there are tons of secular books out there about how women can take control of the men in their relationships, and make them more submissive to their wife's desires, by withholding sex from them.  This idea is common knowledge, and in the church it is opposed by the idea that sex shouldn't be used as a "tool" in marriage.  But no one is denying that approach works as advertised.

But what does that say about the traditional approach to premarital sex, as it is applied to our current society?  It appears that the church is using the same principle on a much broader scale.  This becomes a problem when you factor in that now days, people aren't usually getting married until they are close to 30.  Part of this is because we have added so many steps to the process of growing up (like college), partially because women are encouraged to have a career before getting married and having kids, and because that makes them less desperate to find a husband.  Giving women more independence is not necessarily a bad thing, but total independence from each other is bad for either gender.  "It is not good for man to be alone."  The result is that, especially in the church, there are a bunch of available males who have had their strength and resolve weakened by years of waiting.  Ignoring certain desires does weaken them over time.  That is the whole premise behind resisting temptation.

Now if we add on top of this the fact that a normal engagement takes place over years, based on the number of extra steps we have added to marriage, and there is no foreseeable return on energy invested.  The only immediate return one will see is if he is getting his girlfriend to sleep with him right away.  And that is why usually the only strong guys that girls find themselves aggressively pursued by, are ones all the other guys know are slime-balls who are just trying to sleep with them.  And because every decent guy recognizes that trend, even though many females are blind to it, none of the respectable guys want to be seen by their piers as “on of those players,” so their pursuit of a girl will not be nearly as aggressive or flattering.  The end result is that the situation appears hopeless, and that both sides have all but given up, just hoping for a miracle to fall into their lap, as the only way to break the impasse.  And that is probably not a health approach to developing a serious relationship, even on the rare occasion that it actually works.

Pride and Dignity

I am someone who has a number of different things to be "proud of."  This has led me to be concerned that I may find myself falling into the trap of pride, as described repeatedly in the Bible.  Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. (Proverbs 16:18)  But the type of pride being discussed in verses like that in the Bible, are related to the belief that some people are intrinsically superior to others, and a need to prove to oneself and others that one is a member of that superior group.

"Lust may drive a man to sleep with a beautiful woman - but at least lust makes him want HER.  Pride drives a man to sleep with a beautiful woman just to prove he can do it and to prove he can do it above the others." This quote is from a book I read by Timothy Keller.  I had to read it a few times for it to really sink in, and for me to recognize the significance of it.  As someone who can definitely relate to the issue of being motivated by lust, I had previously assumed that is what motivated a variety of other actions I had observed but didn't understand.  Not only can I not relate to the issue of pride as he described it, I had never even dreamed that other people thought that way.

But after reading that, and thinking about it, I have concluded that he must be right.  It explains so many behaviors that had previously been a mystery to me.  The primary one being the pattern of a guy sleeping with a girl and then never speaking to her again.  In my mind, if I was going to ignore my moral and ethical boundaries, once I got a girl to sleep with me, I would keep coming back for more, as much and as long as possible.  Because the need I would be meeting is a biological and emotional one, for release of sexual tension and lustful thoughts.  People who follow the opposite pattern are trying to meet a totally different need, looking to feel significant or valuable.  They do this by trying to prove that they are more valuable than someone else.  When a guy with this attitude convinces a girl to sleeps with him, it makes him feel more valuable than her, which is what he is looking for, as it validates what he is insecure about.  On the flip side, this can make the girl feel less valuable as a result of that exchange, which explains another phenomenon that I never understood.

There is a strong conception that the girl will frequently regret sleeping with a guy by the next morning, especially if he is never heard from again.  I always assumed that this pattern was based either on the fact that inconsiderate guys don't make sure the girl's physical needs are met as well, or feelings of guilt over the ethics of premarital sex.  I now recognize that many girls who put themselves in that scenario on a regular basis DO get their physical needs met, and are not concerned about the ethics of it at all.  I have definitely observed the "walk of shame" on weekend mornings in Hollywood.  But because the girl is "giving IT up" for the guy, and the guy is "taking" them, they feel like they are being used up in some way.  I bet most of them couldn't even identify what it is, but I am going to describe it as self-respect and dignity.

Self-respect is similar to pride, but without the negative connotation.  So people with a pride issue try to augment themselves, by sapping the self-respect or dignity of others.  The same principle is at work when a schoolyard bully starts a fight.  Forcing your will on another saps their dignity, and builds up the perpetrator’s pride in himself.  Doing it to someone in the bedroom is just a more extreme method, and the victim is in a much more vulnerable position.  This would also explain motivations for sexual assault by perpetrators who have other options available to them for sexual release.  It is not about biological urges nearly so much as emptiness they are trying to feel with significance.  That emptiness is only supposed to be filled by God, who is whom we are supposed to "get" our significance from, not by taking it from someone else.  To some, who have a better inherent understanding of other people, this all may be obvious.  But as someone who frequently doesn't understand why other people do things, it is a pretty big epiphany.

Traveling with Family

It is time to get back to posting about ideas, after a long series of stories, and the end of camp seems like a good place to stop.  I have had a few concepts on hold while I got to a breaking point.  Since I am writing this on an airplane full of small children, that seems like the most relevant topic at the moment.  "I myself do not enjoy the society of small children...I recognize this as a defect in myself." (C.S. Lewis)   While I do anticipate having children in the future, the part of that process that I am actively looking forward to is when they are older.  I am aware of the prerequisite for raising older children, but I am not necessarily looking forward to that stage.  I have no doubt that I will grow a ton during that process, and learn all sorts of new things about myself, but it is a pretty intimidating idea.

And traveling with small children, all the more so.  I have enough issues dealing with airports and security, that I can't imagine navigating that process with small children.  Traveling by car seems much easier.  While you may have to deal with the constant inquiries of "are we there yet?" at least you control more aspects of the journey, and have more flexibility.  Unfortunately you can't pull over when a baby decides to throw a fit at 36000 feet.  The more children you have, the more economical the driving solution becomes.

As someone who usually travels alone, it would probably be faster and cheaper to fly to most of my destinations, than pay for the gas to get there.  But driving gives me an adjustable schedule, and the flexibility and comfort of having my own vehicle available.  Even just getting married will probably change that equation significantly further in favor of driving, doubling the price of flying, while providing the benefit of having someone to talk with when driving all day.

Another aspect of driving with family, and specifically children, is entertainment.  But when I was a kid, we took a number of road trips, and besides a couple of children's books, the primary source of amusing diversion came from looking out the window, to see the areas that we were traveling through.  The same was true when in an airplane, seeing the geography of the land below.  Having good vision probably helps make that more interesting, as I can make out the details of what is below.  Now days, kids are kept occupied by watching videos on their parent's iPad, or playing Angry Birds.  And anyone older is constantly texting or browsing Facebook on their cell phone.  Just look in the window of any car you pass on the road.  As someone driving alone, I don't have any of those issues, as I am usually kept occupied by actually driving the vehicle.

I'd like to think that I will be one of those parents who doesn't use Angry Birds as a digital pacifier, but we will have to see what happens when I am actually in that situation before I can really make that claim.  But at a certain level I am looking forward to having someone else to share the travel experience with on occasion.  And that is obviously not the only reason I am looking forward to getting married.

Finishing out the Summer

I have read books by Navy Seals, and they all dedicate at least a chapter to surviving Hell Week during training.  They seem to think that that short period of time had a significant enough effect on who they are, to dedicate an entire chapter to those five days.  The same is true for me of Mega-Week.  Once my campers where all picked up on Friday night, a huge load had been lifted off my shoulders.  We went on a staff trip that weekend, to go off-roading up in the Sierras.  It was an interesting new experience for me, never having done that before, but with the number of vehicles we broke, it didn’t seem worth it.  I had hiked that same trail in less time than it took us to drive it.  But that was some people’s idea of fun.  And I used to think backpacking was an expensive hobby.

The next week was another all-girl week, and I had been slated to transfer to Buckhorn as a counselor for the younger campers.  But after my adventure with Brandon the previous week, the powers that be had mercy on me, and deeming that I needed a break, sent FX instead.  The week was relatively uneventful, but I got to sit at the “big kid’s table” at meals, and developed closer relationships with other people on the staff.  It is amusing to look back on how much my perception of some of them had changed over the preceding two months.  And now, six years later, most of my close friends are all people who were there with me that summer.

The following week was another new experiment for that summer, Whitewater Camp.  We had a full camp for that new option, and had to once again create a plan from scratch.  We managed to pack a sampling of most of the regular Wild Oak activities into the first two days, before we all got on a bus and headed to the American River.  The sense of responsibility you feel when driving away with 40 kids in a bus, with only 5 other staff members to supervise them, is totally different from the similar situation on camp property.  It was a much less controlled environment, with so many more unknowns.  We did eventually manage to get everyone safely into a boat and onto the river.  This was my first time whitewater rafting as well, so I was as much a participant as an authority.  Luckily we had professional guides in each boat to keep us headed the right direction.  The guides took much of the responsibility for leading the group, allowing the counselors to back off a bit.  But my heart was still in my throat when one of my twelve year old campers fell out of the raft in the first rapids, and went through the rocks on his own.  Not every rough stretch of water was quite that exciting, but we did get more used to it.

One significant thing I learned, was the benefit of camp’s “No Sarcasm” rule.  I was never a big proponent of that idea, as someone who has his own share of sarcasm to dish out.  But there are various forms of sarcasm, one of which (that I don’t use) is basically lying, which doesn’t build trust.  The guides were the most sarcastic people I have every met, and with rafts full of gullible Jr. High aged kids, they had the perfect marks for their “stories” about the river.  I was very conscious of the fact that most everything they said was complete BS, but there was one story that I fell for, about “fish counters,” until the guide the next week told a different story about the same objects (dredges).  It was one of those lightning flash moments, where I realize: of course they were lying, they’re always lying.  How could I have fallen for that story?  But no one besides me even knew, so it didn’t really matter.  But it was an interesting illustration of the effect things like sarcasm can have on the level of trust in a new relationship.  I can now see why camp did not want that to be a factor in the relationships developing between staff and their campers, since the whole objective of the week was for the campers to trust the staff when they made some objectively ridiculous claims about spiritual things.

Anyhow, we spent one night at the edge of the river, and rafted the next day as well.  The counselors got a few hours off that morning, so the five of us went into Placerville, and did what most all staff members do during any time off, eat real food.  The kids played some pretty violent and aggressive games while we were gone, which were NOT repeated the next week, and then we were back in the water for the second day on the river.  I had managed to avoid actually getting in the water the whole trip, until the last hour, when we were in a calm spot, and half of the campers jumped out to swim.  A number of individuals, who will remain unnamed, snuck up underneath my raft, came up behind me, and pulled me in.  I was not amused, not only because it was cold, but because I had a variety of items in my pack that I was trying to keep dry.  Amazingly, my digital camera continued to work after I poured the water out of it and let it dry.  But that was the same camera that had gotten run over by a truck during staff training, and while smashed up, and at least a millimeter thinner, it still took good pictures all summer.  It did not survive another water incident the next week, finally giving up the ghost one day before camp ended for the summer.  It had been through a lot and served me well.  Chris, my kid who tried to get sent home Week3 was back in my cabin that week, with his older brother as well.  His attitude was quite a bit different after his first week with me, and he came back again the following summers as well.

That weekend was the Staff Banquet, as the season drew to a close.  I am not a big fan of fancy events, but I had some good conversations with people, and some of them were already starting to head back to school.  The high adventure was finished, but we had another week of Whitewater Camp, this time running concurrent with usual horse program.  With only one cabin of guys that week, I was looking forward to another DA week, especially since I hadn’t particularly been as excited about whitewater rafting as most of the other staff.  There was one male camper for the horse program that week, and I anticipated supervising him for the two days that the rest of his cabin was on the river.  It seemed like that could be a pretty cool scenario, a cabin of one camper.

Unfortunately, between people leaving, and other issues arising, I found myself with another full cabin of campers, and heading back out onto the river.  BullsEye, the only staff member who didn’t really want to do whitewater, was the only one who ended up going twice.  They even sent some staff members up for a day to do it so they wouldn’t be ‘left out’ since they hadn’t been whitewater counselors either week.  (Life can be rough;)  The one horse camper I left behind was a bit young and immature, so that ‘cabin of one’ might not have been as enjoyable as I had hoped it would be anyway.  Between gospel in the stars on Monday night, Tin Cup Tuesday night, sleeping outside because of the one-on-one ratio Wednesday night, and cabin sleep-out on Thursday night, he hardly spent any time in a cabin.  And he totally hated sleeping outside, so it was a tough week for him, even with all the attention while we were gone.  For me on the river, the trip was pretty similar to the week before, just as cold, but without the novelty of trying something new.  It was kind of a strange way to end the summer, but as soon as it was over, and with the requisite trip to Mongolian BBQ with the staff on Friday night, I was headed down to LA the next morning, back to ‘real-life.’

He “Escapes” at Last

Friday morning came much too quickly, and I soon found myself getting ready for staff meeting.  I pulled Rocky aside and told him that I didn’t want Brandon around for my cabin huddle, and he agreed to have Mouth supervise him during that time.  Everything else went smoothly that morning thru the end of gazebo.  While we were transitioning over to the lecture at the canteen, Mouth pulled me aside to confirm my request.  I quickly explained that Brandon had been a major distraction at Illuminaria, and Mouth decided to confront him about that right then.  He called Brandon over to chat with us.  “So Brandon, BullsEye tells me that you were causing problems last night, so you are going to hang out with me today during cabin huddle time.”  He didn’t like that at all.  Brandon took major offense to any form of correction that week.  Mouth saw that he wasn’t taking it very well, so he ushered them away to start that little chat early, skipping the group lecture too.  My cabin huddle went well that morning, and we actually stayed on topic and discussed God and the Bible.  I struggled to cram everything we had missed out on earlier in the week into our single remaining hour.  Once that was done, I dropped my kids off at the rifle range on my way back to Wild Oak.

I had the activity period off, and didn’t feel a need to go anywhere else to help out.  Rocky and Joy were in the kitchen when I arrived, and I had a chat with Rocky about the situation since I really had not gotten much chance to discuss it with him since the decision Wednesday night to have Mouth assist me.  After a few minutes, he had to go take care of something at Frontier.  Joy had heard a few things we talked about, and was curious about some more of the details.  That was when it first dawned on me that anyone who hadn’t been to staff worship Monday evening had not heard anything about what happened.  I spent the next hour telling her the story in detail.  I ended up re-telling it to Paladin and Buffalo at the end of the next week.  Besides that, no one knew what had happened.  It is kind of strange to think about the idea that something like that could take place with so many people nearby, and they have no idea about it.  It makes me wonder about what crazy experiences other counselors had that I never ended up hearing about.

So we talked about that until lunch, when my cabin returned from the rifle range.  I confiscated a number of 22 shells during that meal, most of them were without powder, but of course Brandon had managed to get his hands on a live round.  I returned them all to Paladin to make a point.  Ironically I never did ever find out if the blade situation ever got dealt with.  I never heard about it again, so they either took it, or he never brought it out again for the duration of the week.

After lunch, we all headed out to the paintball field for the last activity period of the week, which went well and was a lot of fun.  That was the last scheduled event before Friday afternoon, so we finished cleaning up, and headed down to the basketball courts.  Most of my kids got picked up pretty early on, and Brandon was the last one left.

Rocky was hanging out with us when Brandon’s parents finally arrived.  Brandon pointed out that they had brought their dog that was blind.  I had heard of dog’s being blind before, so that didn’t seem like it would be too big of a deal.  Brandon also made some weird comment like: “Maybe we should leave HIM here for a week, and see if it helps him see the light.”  I immediately thought of a comment Mouth had said about how Brandon told him that the longer he was at camp, the more he felt that he was coming out of darkness.  Brandon and I never ended up having deep talks like that, but I guess Mouth was able to get through to him on that level.  As it was though, that comment was one of the only signs of positive progress with him that I personally witnessed all week.

His parents came down to greet us, and thanked me for my efforts with their son.  They still seemed like fairly normal people, so I couldn’t really figure out where Brandon was coming from.  Rocky talked with them for a few minutes as well.  At one point Brandon gave me a courtesy thank you, but it was a pretty surface conversation with his parents.  I reached down to pet their dog, and a bit of a shock. Not to make any unfounded accusations, let’s just say that I don’t think that dog was born blind.  That was the only piece of the puzzle that I ever saw that bore evidence that this kid had other major issues where he was coming from to deal with.

Once they left, I was greatly relieved to be released from the responsibility of supervising Brandon, and Rocky and I headed over the horse show.  I had a chat with Kevin later that evening, where I explained how it bothered me that Brandon had such a negative impact on the rest of my guys, but we both agreed that Brandon had showed some level of improvement from his experiences that week.

After that I headed home to do laundry and catch up on some sleep, before returning the next morning for the 4x4 trip, and to start it all over again the next day for a new week.  This was by far my most difficult week, and my most challenging experience at Wolf Mountain.  This is not in anyway a story of an average week at camp, but does describe the types of decisions and choices that have to be made on a daily basis.  This was also the week that I felt closest to the rest of my kids, and I consider the whole ropes course sequence of events with my campers that week to be one of my greatest accomplishments at camp.

I was told later the next week that Brandon’s parents had called to report that upon returning home, he had been behaving like a totally different person.  He seemed much happier, and claimed that he wanted to be a counselor someday.  He had also said that I did a good job of teaching him things, which was interesting since up until that moment I assumed that Mouth would have been his idea of the ideal counselor, since they had had much deeper talks together.  My only explanation for that would be that maybe he was the most hostile towards me because I was the one he respected, and he didn’t know how to handle that.  But honestly, I really don’t know at all what was going on in his mind that whole week.  I saw very few signs of significant progress myself, but everyone else seems to be of the opinion that camp had a major impact on Brandon that week.  It would be interesting to know where he is now.

The End of a Very Long Night

Once we had finished Illuminaria, we all hiked down the hill into Wild Oak.  I sent the rest of my campers into the cabin to prepare for bed, while I held Brandon back to talk with him.  I explained that I have a chat with each of my campers on the last night of camp, so I wasn’t singling him out, but that I had a few questions for him.  We talked for awhile, but nothing significant came out of that discussion.  Mouth and Paladin were waiting for him in Pinto cabin when I was done.  I followed him up, to ask Paladin to supervise my cabin while I had individual talks with my campers, as had become our regular practice.  He agreed, and left Mouth and Brandon alone, heading over to my cabin.  I had explained how this was to work to my kids earlier, so the first one came down with little delay.  I filled out the survey paperwork over the course of my discussions, but added one more question to my regular list.  Normally I ask them if they have any questions or comments about camp in general, and then about God, the Bible, and things that we discussed in cabin huddles.  This time I also asked if they had any questions about the situation with Brandon, as to why he was still here, etc.  There were quite the variety of responses, but they seemed to understand that he was still there because it was good for him, not because he deserved it per se.  I managed to dodge questions pertaining to exactly what had happened during dinner on Monday, because while I was being pretty open with them about the situation, that didn’t seem like a necessary detail to divulge.  I wanted to know what they would be telling their parents when they returned home, and make sure that I had addressed all of their concerns.  I figured it would be nice to avoid another complaint like my “BullsEye is a militant counselor” one from Week 4.  It is not that I was really worried about that, I just wanted to make sure that they had an accurate idea of what was going on, and why.  A few interesting details came to light over the course of these discussions that I would never otherwise never have discovered.

In a discussion with one of them, “Well I hope that you don’t feel that Brandon’s presence here this week has been too detrimental your experience at camp.”

“No, not really.  I only feared for my life once.”

“Excuse me?!?”

“At carnival tonight, he picked me up by my jacket and was threatening me.”

“What happened?”

“Someone had thrown a water bottle or something at him, and he wanted to know who did it.  I was just the closest one next to him,” my camper replied, as if those actions were somehow justified.

“Well what happened then?”

“He calmed down after a minute and put me down.  I have sort of kept my distance since then.”

“Why didn’t you tell someone about it?”

“It wasn’t that big of a deal. That would have only made him angry with me.  I have been trying to be nice to him, because he kind of scares me.”

“Well I am sorry that this all had to happen during your week at camp.  You have done a great job dealing with it all.”

It became clear through these talks that the cabin had definitely banded together to deal with Brandon, so I guess their closeness as a team is one positive result loosely stemming from Brandon’s presence that week.  But that aside, I came to really understand the effect that Brandon had had on these kids that week, and concluded that agreeing to keep him in such close contact with them had probably been a mistake on my part.  Between that and his behavior during Illuminaria, I decided to make sure that he would not ruin the last cabin huddle that my cabin was scheduled to have the next morning.

Mike was the last guy to come down and chat.  He had totally recovered from his ropes course ordeal that afternoon, and we had a good talk about it.  At the end of our discussion, I asked him if he knew what my name was.

“No.”

“Remember when we were up at the top of the Leap of Faith this afternoon?”  He nodded.  “And Mouth was trying to get your attention and he yelled ‘Mike!’ up at us?  And we both yelled yeah back down at the same time?”

“Yeah…?”

“Think about that for a second.”

It took a good fifteen seconds, but finally I could see it dawn on him as he started to smile.

“Really?”

“Yep” I gave him a hug. “Alright kiddo, time for bed.”

Being around 1am, that was an understatement.  When we got back into the cabin, I found that Paladin had been keeping them busy by filling out the camper feedback forms.  The first words out of his mouth were a statement about having no biased effect on them, which is interesting, because each of them said something like “Paladin is the coolest instructor in the world” on them.  I guess that was just a weird coincidence.  Right before he headed back to Pinto for the evening, Paladin had a quiet chat with me.

“So I have been talking with your guys, and they tell me that Brandon called you a Jack*** three times during Illuminaria.  Is that true?”

“Pretty much”

“Well I have talked with all of your other campers, and every single one disagrees with that.”

“Really now?  How about that.”

“Yeah, so obviously Brandon was wrong, so you shouldn’t let what he says bother you.”

“Ah…don’t worry, I wasn’t planning to.  I don’t put much stock in the idle remarks of my emotionally unstable problem campers.”

“Oh, and your campers didn’t believe me at all when I told them your last cabin complained that you were a militant counselor.”

“Well I guess that problem has been solved then now, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah, have a good night BullsEye.”

“Good night Paladin.  Alright everyone, it is definitely time to go to sleep.  Have a good night.”