So Now We Enter Twenty Twelve

There have been many predictions over the years about the world ending in 2012.  It is honestly kind of surprising how little I have heard of that recently, considering the modern media's primary marketing tactic of trying to scare everyone. (It must be a conspiracy to hide the truth from us;)  We managed to survive the Y2K bug without too many issues, and 5-21-11 passed without much besides a couple off brilliant pranks, so it is easy to see that people have a tendency to get all worked up over things that turn out to be nothing.

Back in high school, I was a bit stressed about the Y2K thing, but spending most of New Years Eve watching the preceding 16 time zones make the jump without much issue prevented a tense moment at midnight.  Regardless of the practical realities, I have been concerned at some level about 2012 for a long time.  Some part of me has trouble believing that we will make it through the year.  For example, I have credit cards that expire in 2013, and every time I am entering that info for a purchase, somewhere in the back of my head there is a little voice commenting "It will be interesting to see if that ever happens."

Now obviously I am not convinced that the world is about to end.  If I was, I wouldn't keep heading down to work in LA every month, or investing in the future in any other way.  I am honestly not sure what else I would do differently, as I have mentioned before, I am already pretty conscious about how I spend my time, not wanting to waste the time that God has given me.  But some part of me is a bit concerned about the wide variety of prophecies and predictions that all point to 2012.  I believe there is something to certain types of prophecy, that it is possible to see things about the future in certain instances.  There is also the issue that people's fear can actually lead to something bad happening.  For example if everyone hoards supplies, this actually causes the shortage they were concerned about, in a self-fulfilling type of way.  Also people who believe there is no future to prepare for can do some pretty irrational and scary things.  So while there may not be any cosmic calamity in 2012, mankind may inadvertently create one.

Any anxieties I do feel about the potential issues of 2012 have been decreasing as the date approaches, regardless of the fact that most of the predictions center another 11 months away.  Now that we are nearly there, 2012 doesn't seem like such a foreign concept, and the world hasn't totally changed.  Well in reality the world has totally changed, but it doesn't feel like it, because we have experienced every intermediate step, and had time to adjust accordingly.  If someone woke up from a ten year comma, I am sure some things would seem alarmingly different. (Face-what? Smart-phones? Justin who? etc.)  Obviously this process of development is not about to stop, so it will be interesting to see what new changes the next year has in store for us.  Happy New Year!

The Difference Between Belief and Faith

Beliefs are ideas that you hold to be true in your mind or heart, while "faith is confidence or trust in a person or entity."  You can believe in God without having trust in him.  "Even the demons believe—and shudder!" (James 2:19)  This verse can be a bit confusing or troubling until you take note that faith is not attributed to the demons, only belief.  Beliefs are tied to knowledge and discovery, while faith moves us to action and change in our lives.

Beliefs can be communicated with mere words, while faith cannot.  "Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do." (James 2:18)  This is presented as a challenge, since faith cannot be demonstrated or communicated without action.  This is not to say that beliefs are not important, they actually form the foundation for faith, but a foundation with nothing built on it has lost its purpose.

Thinking something to be true is just a belief, while publicly proclaiming that belief is an action, and a demonstration of faith.  Saying a prayer out loud adds weight to it, since that action requires more faith than just thinking it in your head.  Proclaiming it in public further magnifies this effect, as it is a further demonstration of faith.  Awhile back, I mentioned requesting a miracle on Facebook.  Using a public forum for that prayer was a deliberate demonstration of my faith, intended to add weight to that prayer request.

I have been going to a fairly "outside the box" bible study type group for over a year now, without really feeling any of the things that other people seem to be experiencing there.  My continued attendance is a sign of my faith in the significance of what I was witnessing there, even if I couldn’t necessarily understand it.  The first time I did feel anything outside the ordinary, (last night) I was unsure of what God was trying to tell me through that feeling.  My first reflex in most areas of life is to conceal what I am feeling, which is usually a sign of a lack of faith or trust, not to mention that it doesn’t help strengthen relationships.  Instead I openly shared what I was feeling at that point, in an attempt to discern the meaning of what was happening to me.  Acknowledging what I was feeling to those around me, was as significant of a step as perceiving the feeling to begin with, in that is shows trust in the people around me, and faith that God has put them there for a reason.

Hearing what God is telling us doesn’t require nearly as much faith as sharing what God is telling us.  That is one of the many principles that lead me to post things on here, that for a very long time I have kept to myself.

Elementary Deductions Leading to Bourne Moments

So, random topic of the day: the Bourne movies.  I am not sure why they have been on my mind, since I haven't seen them in quite a while, but I my thoughts keep coming around to the same aspect of them.  Each of those movies has at least one moment where the main character totally amazes those who he is speaking to (usually by phone) with a very simple statement.  Usually it is something that reveals he is intimately aware of things that are going on, when they least suspect it. ("She is standing right next to you")  Usually it betrays the fact that he is looking right at them, when they believe they have complete privacy. ("You should get some rest, you're looking tired")  While his statements can be a useful means of intimidating his adversaries, at a certain level, he is totally showing off. ("If you were in your office, we would be having this conversation face to face")

Although the opportunity doesn't frequently present itself, I love it when I can successfully pull off a Bourne Moment.  Mine never happen over the phone, because then I wouldn't get to see the look on their faces. (Besides the fact that I am not a big fan of phone conversations, and don't go around spying on people like that.)  Usually they are initiated by someone saying something like: "You would never guess," followed by me summarizing whatever I know about that situation.  I can't even describe how much amusement I derive from those occasions.

I am a big fan of Sherlock Holmes books (and movie, TV shows, etc.) for similar reason.  Usually the observations and deductions involved in those stories leave the characters (and the reader) totally surprised and amazed.  In a similar fashion, I am a fairly observant individual, leading to an awareness of many things that other people would never suspect.  That is usually what sets me up to take advantage of those opportunities when they present themselves.

Sometimes I know things that take a long series of steps to really explain how I figured them out.  Other times I am aware of things, and have no explanation for how I possibly could have known them.  This used to be troubling to me, primarily because I didn't understand how it could happen.  Now I recognize that God can be the source of those ideas and bits of knowledge.  I am never conscious of him communicating those things to me, they just sort of show up among the things I remember knowing, with no explanation.  It can be related to the concept of prophesy, but it is not necessarily associated with things in the future, although it can be on occasion.  Realizing that prophesy is not necessarily about the future either was kind of the turning point in my understanding of how these things all fit together.

Things that are Easily Accessible Can Feel Less Valuable

It is interesting to recognize the thresholds that we have to overcome to do certain activities.  I am most conscious of this in my own life in regards to recreational activities, which are usually less of a deliberate priority to me.  Opportunities that are more difficult to take full advantage of usually have a higher value in our minds.

For example, I have a dirt bike sitting right outside my door, and lots of space to ride it, yet I have rarely done much with it for the last couple of months.  Other people have to haul there bike somewhere else just to use it, and they still manage to do that every week.  The motivation to put that much effort in, comes from how much they value the time they spend doing that, but that value is not entirely dependent on how much they enjoy it.  There is also an expectation level for accessibility that we become accustomed to.

Something that is easily accessible usually decreases in perceived value over time.  I don't go skiing in Southern California, not because I don't like skiing as much as other people down there do, but because it doesn't seem worth it to me.  I have a hard time justifying spending three hours traveling each way, to go do something that I used to have available just an hour from home when I was growing up. (Not to mention that the snow is nowhere near as good down there.)  It is not that I don't enjoy the experience as much, just that I don't value it at the same level as people who road-trip all night to Mammoth for a couple hours on the slopes.

The same principle applies to the way we develop and maintain relationships.  When I lived in LA, I used to host large BBQ events every time I returned to NorCal, to see all of my friends at once.  Those were a lot of work, and I actually didn't always get as much time to talk with people as I would have liked, but it did at least give me the opportunity to see everyone while I was in town.  Now that I spend most of my time living up here, I don't do that nearly as frequently as I used to.  I actually BBQ much more now than I used to, nearly everyday because the threshold is much lower now that I have my own grill outside.  But since it is no longer out of the ordinary to do so, and it is not unusual for me to be in the area, I don't necessarily invite people over to celebrate the occasion.

Sometimes it feels like I saw my NorCal friends more frequently when I lived in LA than I do now that I moved back up North.  Either I am not putting as much effort into connecting with them now that they are (relatively) more easily accessible, or they are not putting as much effort into seeing me.  I am not sure which reality would be more troubling, but one issue would certainly be easier to rectify.  It could also be a perception thing, since I could be seeing them exactly as much as before, but spread out over my longer periods of time in NorCal.  Regardless of what the exact case may be, ideally I should be spending more time with them now that I am up here more, especially since I am spending a lot less time working.

Those low thresholds lead us to take certain opportunities for granted.  Looking at how much more accessible God is to us than he was to the people of the Old Testament (now that the “Curtain” is torn) can lead us to the same conclusion.  Are we fully taking advantage of that opportunity, or does that just cause us to undervalue that relationship as well?

Paying Attention To What We Do For Attention

I have had a theory for a long time, that everything in life can be filtered down to a desire for attention.  Paying attention to something presupposes that there is nothing more important for us to be thinking about or doing in that moment.  If someone is paying attention to us, it validates us and our desire to be significant or matter.  We give our attention to those we love, and desire others to love us by giving us their attention.  Whether it is a child on a swing yelling "Mommy, look at me!" or a girl putting on makeup to enhance her beauty, or a guy demonstrating his strength to show off, it is all motivated by a desire for the attention of others.  Successful communication requires attention to be paid, especially by the listener.  I think this also summarizes the basic pattern of relationships, giving each other our attention.

In its negative form, children frequently act inappropriately out of a desire for attention, because they subconsciously recognize that it is natural for people to focus more on problems than solutions.  Even if the result is them being punished, at least that means their parents were paying attention to them.  The actually phrase "paying attention" is significant in that it illustrates that our attention is a commodity that we must actively choose to bestow on others around us.

This is related to the idea that our time is a commodity, and how we spend it reflects our values.  Paying attention requires both our time, and a deliberate focus on caring about the outcome of what we are doing.  It is very possible to give our time but not our attention to something.  When we are just mindlessly going through the motions, or are distracted by other things that seem more important, we aren't really paying attention.

An examination of the deeper principles of the Bible reveals that God strongly desires our attention as well.  This is what prayer essentially is, talking to God and listening to him.  God makes a significant point about not wanting people to forget what he has done, for his chosen people in the Old Testament, and for everyone through Jesus in the New Testament.  This is similar to the way that people want their roles and contributions to be acknowledged and remembered, which I have thought about a lot recently, while spending a week working on the credits for my movie.  We are instructed to have God's word on our minds at all times, and not to let ourselves be distracted by the world.  He expects to be the most important thing in our lives, and when the credits for the universe roll, God will be listed in every position, and have all of the credit and glory.

The fact that we all desire the attention of others, leads to the situation of there being many demands on our attention.  Entertainment, media, and advertising are all constantly bombarding us with requests for our attention.  Our family and friends seek our attention, whether they voice that request directly or not.  Our employers expect us to pay attention at work, and our teachers and professors demanded it in school.  With all of these things fighting for our attention in very visible and sometimes obtrusive ways, it is easy to miss the soft voice of God in our hearts, who is also looking for our attention.

It is a bit sobering to contrast this principle of our innate desire for the attention of others against the amount of time I spend alone.  I don't think that is necessarily an indication that I am failing in some way, but I don't think that is how God intended us to ideally live.  Spending so much time alone may make it easier to hear God at times, but God also speaks to us through other people around us.  "It is not good that the man should be alone;" (Genesis 2:18) I probably spend too much time alone, but that is a default state that I have trouble overcoming.  Opportunities to interact with others rarely seem to flow naturally, and are a constant struggle.  While I have a desire for the attention of others, my need to appear independent, both to myself and others, limits how far I will go in seeking the attention of others.  And sometimes it feels like no one really desires my attention, which is why work can be such an addictive draw to some people.  I know one place where people care whether I am around or not, and while at a certain level I don't necessarily enjoy being there, it does admittedly fulfill certain needs and desires.  Work is probably the one thing that I let myself focus too much of my attention on, but that pattern has definitely improved over the last year, so I am clearly growing in that regard.

Anticipating the Excitement of Anticipation

Anticipation is a complex concept in its own right, but it is especially active and easy to observe at Christmas time.  Much is done in anticipation of Christmas, and those who find "the holidays" to be a trying time of year probably have their expectations set too high.

Wrapped gifts sitting under the tree before Christmas technically perform no function, but they excite the spirit of anticipation of what is to come.  Part of this is the desire to find out what is inside, but in some cases this is known, so there is also the desire to actually use whatever is contained within the gift.  Once they have been opened, the anticipation is gone, but now the gifts are functional.  Toys are being explored, books are being read, games are being played, and tools are being used.

While my impatient younger brother's first instinct was to rip open every gift in sight, I was a little more careful.  For example opening the biggest present first will cause one to under-appreciate the other ones by comparison, as they are opened later.  I am sure this principle was originally enforced by my parents, but I fully grasped and embraced it from fairly early on.

I used to wake up about 4am every Christmas, and wander out into the living room.  All the Christmas lights would be on, and after an eager examination of what was waiting under the tree, to "take stock of the situation," I would sit down in the rocking chair.  I would just sit there for the next few hours, taking it all in, and appreciating in the moment, like at no other point in my life.  It's probably the only time I can recall consciously being at peace growing up, and I reveled in it.  Eventually my brother would wake up around 6am, and the excitement of Christmas would affect him a little differently.  He would be bouncing off the walls until my Mom got up a few minutes later, and let each of us open one present.  I assume she selected those deliberately, as something that would keep us amused for a couple hours, so that she could return to bed, and my Dad could continue sleeping.  Eventually of course, everyone would get up, and we would all sit around the tree, opening gifts.

Besides the anticipation of discovering what exactly is under the wrapping, there is also the anticipation of seeing how other people will react to the gifts you have selected for them.  There is also an interest in what other people are receiving, since as a family we share things, so what is given to one is usually given to all, in a sense.  Clothes are an exception to that premise, but games and books will be shared over time.

I received a good deal of office supplies wrapped up as Christmas presents, especially in high school and college, courtesy of my mother.  That is one tradition that I will avoid replicating with my children, because while I value giving gifts that fill needs, those needs must be things the recipient values filling for the gift to be meaningful.  It also severely curtails the level of anticipation when there is a pattern of gifts with little meaning, especially if the need they were intended to fill was more than covered by something similar received the year before. (Not that I am bitter about unwrapping another scotch tape dispenser every year;)

Anyhow, I have realized that I experienced very little anticipation for Christmas this year.  I have hardly noticed the decorations that appearred around, and while I did go Christmas shopping, I saw little reference to Christmas besides the ridiculously overcrowded shopping centers and parking lots.  Being quite sick for the last two weeks probably contributed to missing out on all off that, but the fact that Christmas is tomorrow definitely feels a little jarring.  I will have to be a bit more deliberate in my preparations next year, to better experience the anticipation of the coming event.

The Magic of Christmas

Christmas is an interesting time, probably the most all encompassing holiday we have.  It has its own season, its own music, and a whole selection of traditions to go with it.  It can be associated with Santa Claus and reindeer, or with evergreens, holly, and mistletoe.  It is the most widely celebrated Christian holiday, and while much has been added as distraction from the original purpose, I believe most people are at least aware of the origin. This is as opposed to Easter, the details of which, many non-Christians have little comprehension of.  One possible reason for this is that the "baby Jesus" is a lot less threatening to the selfish American lifestyle than the "risen Jesus" is.

Gift giving is more associated with this holiday than any other, and while that aspect has been over-commercialized, I believe at its core, that is a reasonable way to celebrate the gift that God gave us on the first Christmas.  I still have trouble giving for the sake of giving, to people who really lack nothing, but that's okay, probably an area where I, not the world, need to change and grow.

The magic of Christmas, as experienced by a child, is an interesting phenomenon.  I had a realistic understanding of the world from an early age, so the concept of Santa was easy for my mind to refute, even though my heart wanted to believe it.  I was aware of the vast scope of the earth, making it impossible for one person to visit every house in one night, even if he could fit down the chimney.  Even though my rational mind was conscious that it was impossible, I maintained the charade for quite a while.

I remember writing a story in early elementary school, proposing a combination of solutions to the problem of how it could be possible.  It described a group of individuals, including Santa Claus, Saint Nick, Pierre Noel, Father Christmas, and a few others up in the North Pole, laying out their plan to utilize the various time zones and the international dateline in their favor, giving them about a 36 hour window to complete their massive task.  (I knew the world was big, but obviously couldn’t nearly grasp how big.)  The fact that they only had to make it to the houses of “good” children obviously worked in their favor as well.  (From certain theological perspectives, that caveat might have even made it “possible”)

I had another interesting issue influencing my perspective on Santa, in that no matter how cool the presents were that Santa gave me, they didn't hold a candle to the presents from my grandparents.  I owe a lot to my grandmother in that regard.  There is no doubt that she played a significant role in shaping me into the person I am today.  Christmas was a catalyst in that process, in that it gave her an excuse to bless us with gifts.  She did many other things as well, but I still have an entire building in my parents backyard filled with the thousands of Legos that she gave to me and my brother over the years.  Those provided us with countless hours of fun, as well as the source material for many a school project and science experiment.  In college I used them to make videos, and as models for animation, and they have been the inspiration for many other endeavors since then.  I have taken reasonably good care of them, and fully intend to pass them on to my children, some every year, from Santa Claus.

Gifts - Finding a Need to Fill

After spending the day Christmas shopping, I have a number of thoughts on gift giving.  I have never been particularly big on giving Christmas presents.  Admittedly I was big on receiving them when I was younger, but that was before I had the option of buying things for myself.  Ever since I headed to college, the same pattern has emerged at Christmas time.  I usually get into town a day or two before Christmas, and do a whirlwind pass through overcrowded shopping centers to pick up a variety of items that I am rarely totally satisfied with.  It has been pointed out to me that this sits in stark contrast to the way that I approach nearly every other situation in life, as the meticulously prepared, detailed planner.

It really comes down to priorities, and I am beginning to recognize that giving Christmas presents isn't an important priority to me.  This is not because I don't care about those around me, but because I am someone who values filling a need, which is rarely what is happening at Christmas.  I spend forever looking for gifts, but usually settle on something simple, that meets whatever I feel the minimum requirements are.  Basically I have trouble spending a lot of money on something that isn't really needed.  If I don't know of any needs that I am trying to meet, looking for something that meets a need I didn't know existed is rarely an effective strategy.  During the rest of the year, I have no hesitation to give away things whenever I see a need that I can meet, but I don't give just for the sake of giving.  And I don't usually wrap those things up with a nice bow on top either, usually valuing function far over form.

For example I usually give my dad books for Christmas, since he is an avid reader, but I have given him ten books in the last two months, just because I thought they would apply to his life.  They weren't wrapped or anything, and it was fairly low key, but wrapping up a similar one and calling it a Christmas present feels kind of ridiculous.

When my brother was younger, he had an interesting habit of giving gifts to people that were things that he actually wanted.  This has made me particular sensitive to that inclination, even though we all live in separate places.  If one of us gives another a game for Christmas, we are all going to end up playing it together, so from a certain perspective, we are really buying it for ourselves.  If I come across a cool game during the year, I buy it, and share it with my family when I get home.  I don't usually wrap it up and call it a "present."  It will usually reside at my parent’s house after that, so it is pretty much the same as giving it to them, without all the formalities.  While I do that frequently during the year, doing something similar at Christmas seems fairly contrived by comparison, especially since I usually have trouble finding new things to do that with at Christmas time.

And then there is the issue of duplicate presents.  We all know each other well enough that if an obvious present exists for someone, more than one person will frequently give it to them.  My dad and I have both given my brother the same book on numerous occasions, and I have gotten the same thing from both of my parents before, and even one thing twice from the same person. (Reasons not to do your Christmas shopping over a long period of time, especially if you wrap the gifts as you go.)

Anyhow, this year I got an early start, and did some of my shopping two months ago.  This was followed by ordering the rest online a week ago, giving me just enough time to discover that even though they were “shipped” with tracking numbers, the items I was looking for are actually out of stock until after Christmas.  So I ended up braving the crowds four days before Christmas, in my earliest trip yet, to collect a number of items that will suffice, but are not as good as the ones I had on order.  Next year I will have to plan ahead more, and get my order in earlier, we’ll see how that goes.

Let the One Who is Without Sin Cast the First Stone

So while doing some research into the origins of the Pentecostal movement a few weeks ago, I came across an interesting idea.  Something I was reading referenced John Wesley's doctrine of Christian perfection, defined as: "the belief that it is possible to live free of voluntary sin."  That is a pretty big issue: whether or not it is possible to totally overcome our sinful human nature.  I was raised Catholic, so I was always taught by implication that this was impossible, otherwise why are all of the "best" Catholics the ones going to confession every week?  On the other hand, by the time I started going to confession, I was past my "immature" stage, and had to be pretty creative to think up things to confess to the priest.  But if I had continued going once I hit puberty in high school, that never would have been a problem again.

I am sort of conflicted on the answer to this.  My brain believes it could be possible, but concedes that there is little evidence for it.  My heart on the other hand is convinced that it is impossible.  But there were a lot of things that appeared to be impossible in the past, that are now common occurrences, so there is something to be said for ignoring the fact that certain things are "impossible."  Having the right mindset can be a powerful tool for change in the world.  I am just concerned about the personal worth and validation aspects that are tied to this question.  If it is in reality not possible, then the constant failure experienced from that perspective and the resulting guilt, will be magnified by that belief.

While it may be possible, especially in the short-term, that lack of sin obviously isn't the key thing God is looking for in mankind.  Abraham sinned (pre Mosaic Law), King David's sin seemingly increased throughout his life (under the law), and by Paul's own admission, he continued sinning (no longer under the law).  It would appear that the absence of sin is not meant to be the primary aim of our Christian lives.

Everyone always says "It not a religion, its a relationship" but what does that really mean?  I get the first part, that's pretty clear.  I find it amusing that I hear similar anti-religious sentiment from Christians and non-Christians alike.  Religion is "faithful devotion to an acknowledged ultimate deity" so that doesn't seem like such a bad thing.  But the idea of achieving Christian perfection seems like it would be a product of the religious aspect of faith (devotion to doing the right thing) as opposed to the relationship aspect of it (loving God).

I have always maintained that my "relationship with God" is limited not by my lack of understanding of God so much as it is limited by my lack of understanding of relationships.  And more specifically, my lack of Love for God is a result of the environment I was raised in.  It was pointed out to me a few years ago by a perceptive outside observer, that what my family called "love," everyone else refers to as "loyalty."  I pointed this out to my parents directly, and after thinking about it for a second, they conceded that it was probably accurate.  There is no question that we have a reliable devotion to supporting each other when needed, but the emotional component is basically totally missing in our family.  This became more apparent through the process of my parents splitting up over the last two years.  So while my family is probably not going to change, it is easy to see the impact that has on my relationship with God.  I am very loyal to God, but the emotional draw towards him is something I don't experience, and that is probably a problem.  The concept of praise and worship is something I have gotten used to, but is not something that I have ever really embraced for its own sake.  While I obviously still sin, and have not achieved Christian perfection, the idea of "following God" comes much more natural to me, and I can grasp that aspect of faith.

Sleep: Can't Make It Happen, Can't Live Without It

So I managed to get to sleep last night, unaided and for a full seven hours straight.  That was a big improvement over the last week, but problems sleeping are not unfamiliar to me.  Sleep has always been a strange concept to me.  We go lie down, close our eyes, and lapse into a state of unconsciousness for an unknown period of time.  It lasts until either something disturbs our slumber, or our body just decides to wake up.  What's more, we usually spend 1/4 to 1/3 of our time in that state, which has always struck me as a huge drain on our time.  It is clearly necessary at some level, as it is easy to see the consequences of not getting enough sleep, but the amount needed varies greatly as we grow up.  The requisite amount declines from all-the-time for newborns, to hardly-at-all by the early twenties, and then slowly increases throughout our adult life.

I have had trouble getting to sleep for most of my life.  I may have spent as much time staring at the ceiling in bed as I have actually sleeping over the course of my life.  I was the kid asking to get up and go to the bathroom or get a drink of water a hundred times a night, primarily because I was bored.  I had an 8 o'clock bedtime growing up, and my Dad would usually watch TV until midnight, but I would hear him go to bed every night, and that didn't necessarily lead to me going to sleep.  The only consistent exceptions to that problem have been times when I haven't been getting much sleep.  So I am always either having trouble sleeping, or not getting enough sleep.  I rarely got more than 4 hours of sleep any given night during my sophomore year of college, but amazingly enough, for the first time in my life, I was able to fall asleep within minutes of laying down.  Past that point, lack of total sleep has about a 50/50 shot of allowing me to sleep easier, as opposed to preventing me from sleeping at all.  These situations are usually a few weeks at a time when I am traveling, and working long hours.

As for why I have such difficulty falling asleep, I am not sure.  First off, there was the obvious fear of not waking up.  Parents out there: probably not wise for the last thing said, before you leave your kid alone and turn out the lights, to include: "...and if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to keep."  (Because that will be the primary thing on their mind for the next couple of hours.)  I have discussed that fear before, so it doesn't need to be re-addressed, but that clearly isn't the only problem, because I did eventually get over that issue, but still had trouble sleeping.  Now maybe that just set me up to have a messed up sleep pattern for a long time afterward, but I definitely set new patterns in college and the problem has returned at times since then.  My boss's theory is that my brain just doesn't know how to spin down, and admittedly many of my best ideas and solutions occur to me about 1am.  That doesn't help me get to sleep though.

And then once we are asleep, there are dreams.  Our brain must just be bored while our body is taking a break, and we aren't consciously limiting or steering it, so it goes to some weird places.  While that may be one way that God talks to us, I have no doubt that it can also be a source of torment.  When I was younger I would have the strangest nightmares on a fairly regular basis.  Now that only happens if I get too hot, presumably my brain is overheating.  Admittedly that is a much more effective solution from my brain's perspective, because I am now REAL careful not to sleep somewhere too hot.  Mike, the guy who usually could care less about the heater or AC as long as it is somewhere between 50 and 90 degrees, suddenly cares a LOT more once its time to go to bed.  "No we will not have the heater on all night!  That's why God gave us blankets.  Goodnight."

I am told we always have dreams, at some level, but there is the issue of remembering them.  Back in elementary school, I used to dream entire days of my life before they happened, which can become an issue when you start to confuse memories of them with real memories.  Maybe I still do dream entire days, I don't know, because I rarely recall any of my dreams by the time I wake up.  On the rare occasion that I have some idea of what they were about, every bit of that is wiped away within a couple minutes, even if I concentrate on it.  So if God is trying to tell me something in my dreams, the message is definitely not getting through.  Anyhow, suffice it to say that: sleep is never something that has come naturally to me.

The Power of Faith and Prayer

I have been quite sick for most of the last week.  That made my last few days at work a real struggle, and the drive back north quite a challenge.  I had a throat problem that was a constant source of discomfort, and caused coughing, sneezing, or clearing my throat to be quite painful.  As I was lying in my hotel room Tuesday night, I was very conscious of the fact that I hadn't gotten more than four hours of sleep for the past three days, and had work the next day followed by a 400 mile drive home.  My condition continued to deteriorate as it got later, becoming far worse than the previous evenings.  It got to the point where my throat was so bad that I was beginning to have trouble breathing.  That happened once before, about five years ago, the day of college graduation. (Finals week had been real fun)  The fact that they had done very little for me at the hospital on that previous occasion, combined with the fact that I was in no condition to drive myself, pretty much removed the option of seeking further medical care.  At that point, I was quite conscious that prayer was about the only thing that was going to be able to help me.

Now I am not one to avoid praying, but I usually hesitate to ask others to pray for me, and I usually try to keep my prayers "reasonable."  But this time I didn't just want to "feel better," I needed to be able to breath, not be in pain, clear my lungs, and get some sleep to be rested for my trip the following day.  And I needed that all to happen immediately, which is not the position from which I normally approach God.

I decided it was time to buck that trend and show a little more faith.  I posted on Facebook asking for prayer, specifically requesting a miracle.  Some of my friends wouldn't be fazed by that in the slightest, but for others, well it would raise a few eyebrows.  I saw that public post as a significant aspect of my prayer to God.  It technically isn't the same as the effect of praying out loud, but it is similar.  It demonstrates a faith that God can and will intervene, in a way that makes a statement to others.  Plus, it got other people to pray for me as well, and which should be a beneficial thing as well.

So, interestingly enough, a number of things happened directly after that.  First, I had no more of the acutely painful symptoms, like coughs and sneezes, for the rest of the night.  Within a few minutes I started swallowing, which had the effect of clearing my wind pipe.  I swallowed every 3 seconds for the next two hours, but that allowed me to breathe properly.  This was not some little subtle change, and while I was still in extreme discomfort, I felt no further "pain."  By midnight that issue had passed, my lungs finally felt clear, as well as my ears, sinuses, and nasal passages.  But even after all of those symptoms had cleared up, I was still unable to sleep.  I was conscious of the changes taking place, both while they were happening and after it was over.  I was grateful that God had responded, but I was still concerned about my needed rest.  During the following hours, I composed and published my previous post, read, and prayed.  Recognizing the significance of my previous post on Facebook, I updated it to acknowledge that I had been experiencing the requested miracle, but was still seeking rest.

What followed was one of the only nights of my life without a moment of sleep.  And while many of my symptoms returned by the next day, their severity paled in comparison to their previous state.  I spent the first half of the day in the office, followed by an incredibly challenging 10 hour drive north, but I knew I needed to get home in order to give my body a chance to recover.  I still have yet to sleep since then without the assistance of NyQuil, a fact that really troubles me, but in all other ways my body seems to be pulling itself together.

"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." (James 5:16)  After reading a lot about prayer and miracles and faith in the last few months, it has been interesting to observe God’s response in this situation.  From one perspective, a rather significant aspect appears to have been totally ignored.  On the other hand, I made it back home safely, which was the desired outcome of that request, but at considerable unnecessary hardship and risk.  That leads to the question of how much our level of faith effects the responses we receive to our prayers.  Did I have less faith that God would grant me rest?  It would seem logical that I would have had more faith directly after witnessing the response to the first part of my prayer, but that isn’t always how things work.  And the story isn’t over, as I head to off bed in a few minutes.  Sleep has been a frequent (but not necessarily constant) challenge for most of my life.  I will expand on that larger struggle in my next post.

Fearing Death as Opposed to Valuing Life

As I have mentioned before, I am someone who is very conscious of the fact that I have a terminal "condition" for which there is no cure.  When I was younger, that fact was the source of a significant amount of fear, of my own inevitable death.  It is natural to fear the unknown, and death is a huge unknown, but fear can not be allowed to control us.

Learning the basic Biblical principles about life, death, and salvation in grade school helped alleviate that to a degree, but it was still something keeping me up at night by the time I got to high school.  It wasn't until I came to recognize that there were things I would be willing to risk my life to protect, that I was able to deal with that fear.  Assuming that was true, I should logically be more afraid of failing to protect what I cared about, but I am confident that I would always give that my best effort, which is all that could ever be done, so that scenario was much less of an unknown, and therefore less feared.  You can't necessarily reason your way out of most psychological issues, but in this case I would say that it allowed me to "put things in perspective."

So what was it that I discovered that I would be willing to risk my life to protect?  The Columbine High School shootings had quite an impact on me for a couple reasons, and caused me to ponder the question of: "How would I react in a situation like that?"  The honest assessment at the time was: probably run and hide.  This leads to the question of: "How would I feel afterwards about doing that?"  That line of thought, combined with a few other emotional awakenings, brought me around to resolving not to run from the challenges of life, especially at the expense of those around me.  This tempers that fear of death, and harnesses what remains to help one value life instead, which is a much healthier reaction to that reality.

Now there is a big difference between risking your life and sacrificing your life.  I have come to terms with the first, but the second is still something I wonder about.  I have no doubt that in certain cases I would not hesitate, but would I sacrifice my life to demonstrate my faith, like we see happening in the New Testament, and even today in places around the world?  I can't honestly be confident that I would in cases like that.  It is still something I am working out.

On the other hand, the aspect I have less trouble with is in defending those around me, especially members of the opposite gender.  I would contend that there is an innate protective instinct that males have, specifically targeted towards females, valuing their lives over our own.  Now of course there is a the brotherhood aspect between males, of looking out for the other guys on your team and watching each other's backs, but that is one step lower on the rungs, when a choice has to be made between them.  This is one reason there continues to be resistance to giving women combat roles in the military.  Putting females into risky or dangerous situations runs counter to the way men are wired.  When faced with choosing between a man and a woman to save, it will always be the ladies first, at whatever the cost, while the guys are expected to be able to take care of themselves.  While this isn't necessarily the most logical approach, values can and should take precedent over pure reasoning.  I am sure this is not some cultural thing that we learn, it is a deep seated God given instinct that all men have.  The only exceptions to be found will be extremely selfish guys, where that instinct has been buried by self-serving impulses, overvaluing their own lives.  The Titanic provides a number of illustrations of varying manifestations of this instinct and the impact it has on our accepted culture and values.

In nature there is a much more universal tendency among other animals, for mothers to be protective of their offspring.  That of course holds true with humans as well, and is the counter instinct to the one I am describing.  Women react in similar ways when their children are threatened, as men react when women are threatened.  And men are usually more protective of their female children.  For example consider the stereotypical intimidating talk between a father and his daughter's boyfriend.  There is no equivalent in reverse; guys are expected to be able to take care of themselves.

Men are expected to risk or sacrifice their lives to protect their wives, but there is no expectation of the reverse.  Women are expected to support their husbands in certain ways, but not necessarily to protect them.  There is nothing wrong with that, it is just one of the natural differences between the roles men and women play in the world.

So while I don't necessarily look forward to my death, whenever that may occur, fear of that moment is no longer the primary topic on my mind.  Instead that consciousness of mortality helps me more fully value the time I do have ahead of me in this life, regardless of how much I may have left.

From Where do we Draw our Identity?

The examination of our identity is a complex concept to define and discuss, let alone recognize within ourselves.  In a way, identity really comes down to how we are described, by ourselves, others, and God.  Where we grow up and the family we are raised in play a significant role in forming our identity.  I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, but we must recognize what artificial limits it places on our identity.  The country we live in defines us as Americans, although that can mean different things to different people, and may not mean much to God.  Our level of education and how we received it also play a large part in our identity.

Christians are frequently advised to draw their identity from God alone, but what how do you do that at a practical level?  And does that mean that the rest of the things in life shouldn’t be part of our identity?  While I would agree that we shouldn't find ourselves dependent on anything else in this world, because any part of it could disappear at any moment, that doesn't mean that we shouldn't care about those things.  Those are all factors that help shape our identity, and largely factors that we don't necessarily control.  Those are things that are supposed to help shape our identity, not become our identity.  The beliefs we hold, what we value, and the principles we adhere to are the identity that God sees, and those are all things that, while influenced by outside factors, are based on decisions that we make.

It is widely held idea that men have a predisposition to wrap up their identity to an unhealthy degree in their job and career, while women are more likely to do the same with their family and children. 
I had been finding myself concerned by signs that I might be drawing too much of my identity from my job. (How we spend our time is a good indicator of what we value)  This applies both to my current specific role in my company, and to my career as a whole within the industry.  I have learned a few things recently that have helped put that concern into perspective.  While it is true that my position in both plays a part in how I view myself, I could definitely adapt to life without either of those things present.

I recently watched a movie that involved people being laid off from a large corporation, and how they reacted.  They were losing their source of income, their office, their company phones and vehicles, and some of them understandably took it really hard.  But the flip side of this, is that the reason all of those things were tied together, is because they relied on their employer to provide all of those things, and were not accustomed to taking responsibility for those aspects of their lives.  That is a practical manifestation of what happens at an internal level with our identity.

If our identity is too dependent on any of those factors mentioned above, instead of on the resulting values and principles they are meant to cultivate, then a change in our situation can have a dramatic effect on us.  God intended for us to be people of strength, integrity, and character, and that identity is what we are supposed to draw on regardless of the situations we find ourselves confronted with.

My career has helped cultivate certain characteristics and values in my life, specifically patience and perseverance, hard work and confidence.  Those aspects of my identity are what God sees, and they will remain, even after my job is a distant memory.

The same approach can be applied to family members, all of whom will someday die, but have an effect on our identity that can out live them.  In those cases, it is important to avoid drawing your identity from who your parents or spouse is, as opposed to recognizing how they have helped you grow into the characteristics of your God given identity.

Speaking - When Action is Given to Words

In balance of the valuing words versus action, speaking aloud draws on the power of both.  Verbalizing our words gives action to them.  Words can do more than just describe the way things are.  Words have the power to change the way things are.  Blessings and curses used to be much more widely regarded as carrying weight and power, not just predicting the future, but moving it a certain direction.  While we usually see them in writing, like the ones recorded in the Bible, they were originally always spoken aloud, adding weight to what was being said.

From a certain perspective, I am probably viewed as someone who rarely talks, but others who I am more comfortable around may occasionally wish I would shut up, or at least slow down.  In most situations I listen more than I speak, and I aim to keep it that way.  You aren't learning anything when you are the one talking.

I have definitely been known to leave a lot of things in life unsaid, preferring to communicate many things primarily through my actions.  I am pretty good at doing that, but I probably should not lean so heavily on that means of communication, since it will only get you so far.  Words are a clearer, method of communication, less likely to be completely misinterpreted.  While it is harder to lie or deceive with our actions than our words, it is still possible.  It is better for our actions to punctuate our words, than for our words to punctuate our actions.

Words can be written down, but that is not the same as speaking them out loud.  I am someone who finds it easiest to express himself in writing. (I even find it easier to express things to myself in writing, hence these posts)  But this may cause me to miss out on the potential power accessed by speaking things out verbally.

And I am just beginning to learn about the effect that words can have in the spiritual realm.  It is unclear whether our thoughts can be perceived by spiritual beings, but it is widely accepted that our words can.  That is an important aspect of prayer, and while I usually prefer to pray silently, since I have no doubt that God knows our thoughts, I may undervalue praying verbally.  Even outside of the Christian perspective on the spiritual world, there is a pattern linking the power in magic to the spoken word.  The stereotypical image of a witch stewing her cauldron isn't about reciting the "magic thoughts," and casting spells is always portrayed as being based on speaking the correct words aloud.

So speaking our words out loud can add a certain weight and strength to what we are saying.  Words written down have no inflection or volume, so more can be communicated using the same exact words if they are spoken aloud.  But this leads to further need to take care in what we are saying, since words have power, especially in that form.

The Significance of Words Versus the Value of Actions

So I think I have talked about relationships and marriage enough for a while, although I am sure it will come up again in the future.  A number of books I have read recently have touched on the power of words, and how we use them.  This has led me to re-evaluate the emphasis I natural seem to place on actions over words.

While I like to consider myself a man of my word, I have always been more concerned about actions than words.  I usually take an approach of: "well that sounds good, let’s see what actually happens."  I am not sure why that is, I am unaware of any specific reason when growing up that would have discouraged me from fully valuing words.  But I recognize that I usually lack a deep trust of what other people say, especially if it in any way conflicts with what I observe from their actions.

As for my words, I usually consider myself to be very careful when I speak, in regards to the accuracy and truth in what I am saying.  I have been starting to realize that I may need to consider being more careful in regards to sensitivity and the effect that my words have on other people, beyond just how technically correct they are.  How the things that we say are received by those we are talking to is an equally important half of the communication process.  As someone who is accustomed to being "right," I can defend nearly every statement I make with: "Well, it's true."  But since I rarely take words to heart with the same level of depth as most others do, I am less conscious of the emotional effects they can have.  But words have meaning, and that makes them significant.

As for the connection between words and their meanings, I am not such a fan of the post-modern idea that those accepted definitions or relationships are all relative.  Things have names for a reason, and while there may be limits to how far you can read into that, they shouldn't be changed arbitrarily.  There is significance to the meaning of words, and to the things we say, especially when you view it from a spiritual perspective.

Interestingly, saying or professing that you believe in Jesus is usually regarded as a more significant aspect of Christian faith than the actions that should result from that.  I definitely default to valuing the reverse, but that may not necessarily be a good thing.  I usually take the James 2 approach of "show me your faith apart from your works" to justify that method of evaluation, but words have meaning and speaking them can be an action.

I am clearly not an evangelist; I just don't have the outgoing personality to converse easily with strangers.  I also feel a much stronger calling to help existing Christians grow and explore their faith than to share with other people something they may not even be looking for.  That combined with my analytical approach to things seems to place me firmly in the office of teacher.  While that seems fairly clear, I am not sure how it is supposed to effect what I do on a daily basis.  But that doesn't mean that my faith has no effect on the lives of non-Christians around me, I am just not very vocal about it.  "Preach the Gospel always, and if necessary, use words" is a quote that I hear thrown around, although a little research reveals that no one really knows where that came from.  I usually use that type of idea to justify my approach to "sharing my faith," but that works both ways.  What if it is necessary to use words?  I am not always able to provide the words I'd like to in those moments.  Sometimes it just flows, and sometimes it doesn't.  I have no idea what the difference is between those situations, besides God.

Similarities and Differences in Finding a Partner for Marriage

I had an interesting conversation over the weekend with one of the only married couples that I am close to.  They were trying to describe what they saw as the differences between males and females, which was kind of discouraging to be honest.  Their basic premise was that they would never really be able to understand each other's perspective, but that they had to be sensitive to those differences in how they thought.  And that the burden for this weighed primarily on the guy, since girls were more sensitive to conflict and rejection.  The husband agreed with this perspective, but I can't help but wonder if he has been brainwashed by his wife, since their views were nearly identical.

I have heard other married guys dismiss the possibility of ever understanding females, and vice versa.  I guess one could make a case that the idea is to find one that you understand well enough to live with, but I can't help but hope to someday actually be on the same page as my future wife.  I will admit that a majority of the time when I am interacting with girls, I am totally lost as to why they do what they do.  But there are times when I can relate to what they are doing and why, which is an improvement from farther in the past, when I never had any idea what they were doing, so I may be growing in the right direction.

I am conscious of the fact that singleness isn't a disease to which marriage is a cure, but I do have a certain discrete desire to find a partner or companion with whom to share life with.  If I just wanted to be married for the sake of being married, I have had opportunities to make that happen.  But I am not looking for a relationship that I can survive, I am looking for one that I can really connect through.  Growth is a significant factor in any marriage, and a key part in deciding who to marry, should be recognizing how partners can help each other grow.

The two conflicting schools of thought about who one should marry can be summed up as "opposites attract," versus "cut from the same cloth."  On the one hand, being different allows a couple's opposing strengths and weaknesses to complement one another.  My parents always described themselves as completely opposite, and claimed that strengthened their marriage and helped them make better decisions together.  The fact that they are divorced now speaks for itself, but even before that, I was always aware of the level of conflict that those differences created.  I have always preferred the idea of marrying someone who I was already similar to.  While being very different would give me more opportunities to learn from my wife, I would much prefer to learn with my wife.  While there may be things we both struggle with, it will be easier to relate to and respect those challenges if we approach them from a similar perspective.  It will encourage us both to grow in those areas together.  If one partner has a strength in a certain area, there will be little incentive for the other to grow in that regard if their partner can deal with those challenges for them.  That can be a good and efficient thing in some instances, but it will be something that separates instead of unites them.

Now I realize there will always be differences because everyone is uniquely created, and you will learn from any relationship because everyone has something to offer or teach you.  But most people would agree that both parties should share similar values and principles before pursuing a serious relationship.  So it seems safe to conclude that in an ideal relationship, there should be a balance between similarities and differences.  As we discussed earlier, there are a wealth of fundamental differences between males and females to start with, so it seems like the challenge would be in finding the similarities to balance those out.

I am someone who is quite conscious of my own unique traits, and was recently described as "someone who wears their uniqueness on their sleeve as opposed to hiding it."  That can make it harder to find those similarities, leading me to explore relationships that I knew didn't really fit.  While I learned a lot from those experiences, I know they weren't really an ideal match.  For a long time I held little hope of actually finding someone who was anything like me, to really identify with or relate to.  Now that I know of at least one other person who fits that description, it is easier to believe there might be others out there.  It seems that the bigger challenge may lie in finding one who identifies and relates back.  That is exponentially less probable, so we see where the part about trusting God comes into play.

Trusting God Versus Ourselves

The idea of trusting God with your future hinges on the debate between God's sovereignty and mankind's freewill, which is a huge topic. (I have always been a "meet God half way" kind of guy.)  Regardless of the specifics of how it works, let's assume that at the very least, God plays a role in that process, and that he intends good things for us.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

I usually find it easy to trust God with certain aspects of my future, but not others.  Worrying about something could probably be defined as the opposite of trusting God about it.  For example I don't worry that I will run out of food or money or a place to live.  I am confident that he intends for me it have a fruitful and fulfilling career, and that he will continue to provide me with opportunities in that regard.  I have little anxiety about failing to be successful in that regard, and I trust that God will be with me through that process.

On the other hand, something I find it extremely difficult not to worry about, is relationships or the intention to someday get married.  I have trouble trusting that God has a plan for that part of my life, and that he is preparing me for future opportunities in that regard.  That is something I believe at an intellectual level, but it sure doesn't feel true most of the time.  The degree that I spend time focusing on or worrying about those issues would indicate that I am not trusting God with them.

I have been realizing recently, that I may not really be trusting God, even with the issues I don't worry much about.  I may just be trusting myself, and my own capabilities in those areas, believing that I am capable of handling those issues on my own.  Otherwise, why would I trust God in some areas and not others?  It is obviously harder to trust in things we see less evidence of, so recognizing progress in certain areas may explain that trust in those aspects of life.

So I trust that I will have a successful career, but I have trouble trusting that I will someday be happily married.  How can I tell if I am trusting God or just myself with those issues?  At the end of the day, is there difference?  And how do we learn to trust God with those issues we frequently find ourselves worring about?

Controlling the Things Around Us Versus the People Around Us

Modern Americans are accustomed to exerting a tremendous level of control over their environments with relative ease.  We move at high speeds inside individual enclosures with full climate control, that we can steer over smooth man-made pathways.  This is of course while we take navigation cues from a system that finds our location for us relative to a constellation of satellites, as we listen to audio entertainment when we aren't talking on the phone.  All of this is just to get home, where we turn on the lights, and use hot water to wash up, before picking up the remote, so we don't have to walk all the way over to the TV.  We toss a meal from the freezer into the microwave for a minute, while we move our laundry from the washer into the dryer.  Any of this sounding familiar?

Interestingly, when even a single aspect of the services that support this level of comfort fails, it totally destroys the illusion that we are in full control of the things around us.  (Guess who still didn't have electricity at work again today?)  Being able to see past that illusion should be a positive thing, since it really is just an illusion, and we are actually at the mercy of both God and the events of the world around us.

There is nothing wrong with taking advantage of modern technological conveniences, and using them to improve and control the environment we live in, but becoming dependent on them can be a real problem.  One hundred years ago those services were all completely unavailable, all of the time.  That should tell you something about how important or essential those things truly are at the end of the day.  It is good that we are able to use these tools to improve our lives, but the level to which it has increased our expectations is probably working against us.

Besides the obvious dependency issues, it can contribute to a deeper problem.  Being able to so easily control the things around them, can lead one to expect to be able to control the people around them as well.  Technology is by no means the root source of this issue, which has existed forever, but like so many other things, technology takes it to a whole new level.  For example twenty years ago, parents couldn't expect their children to stay in constant contact with them, because the means of communication didn't exist to make that a possibility.  Finding someone in a crowded area required a precise, predetermined location to meet at, and usually a fair bit of waiting around as well.

I am by no means innocent of all this myself.  The tendency to try to control people is a problem I only began to recognize in my own life within the last year or so. (It just comes naturally, when you are someone who always knows the "right" way to do things;)  I usually require everyone who is trying to interact with me to have a plan, and am rarely willing to "just wing it."  I can be the most patient person the world in certain ways, but in other ways the least.  I can't stand it when people are late, seeing that as a waste of time for everyone.  This does lead to some well deserved teasing on the rare occasion that I am late myself.

It would be easy to point to my parents as the primary source of this problem, since they make great role models for it.  But to do that would be overly simplistic, especially since my brother isn't that way nearly as much, so there must be more too it.  They say that recognizing the problem is the first step to solving it.  When the issue was first pointed out to me in a way I understood, I was cognizant of it effecting nearly every interaction I had with others.  I am seeing it happen a lot less now, so either I am growing in that regard, or am just less conscious of it taking place.  I see no reason why I would become blind to it, and I know I am learning to be more flexible, with my own plans and others, so hopefully that means I am growing.

The Power of Electricity

The power went out at my office this evening.  That used to be a common occurrence, but hadn't happened since the day we move into our new building over a year ago.  Our battery backups kept things up long enough for everyone to save their work and shut down, so the only thing we really lost was time, but it was interesting to see different people's reactions.  People who are only used to the city have no idea what to do without power.  It seems like they think power grows on trees (specifically those tall skinny ones with perpendicular branches, and really long, thin, connected foliage, right?).

In most industries, that situation would be considered a perfect excuse to head home, since it was already late in the evening, but people in Hollywood are just different.  Their projects are already on tight schedules, and working constantly is just part of the culture.  Most people tried to wait it out, and stuck around for an hour or so, but after a few drinks and no sign of repairs being made, they took off.

DWP estimating 10-12 hours when we finally got through to them on the phone to report the problem, since 50,000 customers were supposedly down due to high winds damaging transmission lines.  Anyone planning to do a late shift was out of luck, and it was interesting to observe everyone counting the cost of what possibly missing the next day worth of work would mean for their project schedules.

I had just finished disconnecting everything and was locking the door when the lights came back on two hours later.  That necessitated another hour of work to get all of the servers back online, as well as the phone system and storage network, all of which have to be booted up in the right order for things to work smoothly.  It is amazing to think about how much complexity there is in an average office, none of which would have been an issue even twenty years ago.  What will it be like in another twenty years from now?

It was probably good timing in a way, since I was in town to make sure everything came back online properly.  And since we are in the process of designing the power system for our next building, having this happen now will help people realize the value of having backup solutions for greater security.  But regardless of how much we invest in redundant systems, there is still only so much power that we have to control our situation and circumstances.  We aren't God after all, although sometimes we'd like to think we are.

Understanding How Something Works is the First Step to Fixing it

I have always been someone who is fascinated by figuring out how things work.  That has led to a number of occasions where things didn't necessarily fit back together as well as they did to begin with, but you have got to take some risks if you are every going to learn anything.  Now the most obvious form that this takes is with mechanical and electronic objects.  My grandparent's barnyard was full of interesting items, from motorcycles and go-carts to farm equipment.  With the other side of the family, it was things like circuit breakers, appliances, or plumbing.  A lot of ideas learned from doing that got tested and implemented with my extensive collection of Legos.  As I got into high school, I started toying with computers and figuring out how they worked, both hardware and software.  And then I started networking them together, and connecting cameras and televisions.  This eventually led to my career in media technology, as the guy who knows how everything works, from camera lenses to phone systems, and tape decks to mail servers.

But "everything" is a bit of an exaggeration.  The same principle of needing to understand how something works before you can fix it can be applied to many other areas in life.  Not understanding how your mind works can prevent you from fixing certain habits or overcoming fears.  Not understanding how other people work can make it difficult to fix or improve friendships.  Not understanding how the spiritual world works can make it nearly impossible to fix spiritual issues.

Now every once in a while you may be able to "fix" something that you don't understand, if you keep trying different things at random.  But you usually run a risk of making things worse instead, if you don't know what you are doing.  For the more important things in life, I don't want to go shooting in the dark, hoping that things I am doing are improving my situation.  I want to understand what I should be doing and why.

The first thing I do when I see something new is try to figure out how it works.  With physical objects, you figure that out by observing the individual pieces or taking them apart.  It is less straightforward to do the same thing with ideas and concepts, but there may be something to gain from taking a similar approach.  That is what I am attempting to do here, examining new ideas one piece at a time.

While I may know how to fish out a video cassette stuck in a tape deck, or troubleshoot a fibre-channel storage network, I don't know how to fix everything.  So I just try to keep learning how everything works, and it seems wise to focus my attention on areas I know need fixing.

Taking Risks can be Dangerous

Earlier in the year I came to the conclusion that anyone who doesn't find themselves needing to wear a helmet on a regular basis, is probably not really living.  You could say I wear a number of different hats, depending on whether I am climbing trees, dirt biking, horseback riding, or just supervising construction at my new office.  Pretty much any activity that requires a helmet entails some level of risk, and risk is an important part of life.  In most cases it is a prerequisite for growth and learning.  In finance, the potential return on an investment is usually linked to the level of risk.  In relationships with other people, the depth of connection or intimacy developed will be limited if either party is unwilling to take the risk required.  That will apply to your relationship with God as well.

So how do we handle all of these things we encounter in life that are risky?  There are a variety of ways to approach risk management, depending on the situation.  Much of the training for ropes course work revolves around risk management.  Physical risks are managed by having backups in place for the systems being used.  Ideally, if any one piece breaks, something else will still be able to support the load.  Frequent close inspection of everything being used, occasionally from an outside perspective can also minimize risks.  For the mental and emotional risks, taking things one small step at a time and slowly working up to the bigger challenges can help prevent risks from becoming overwhelming.  Doing things as part of a group can be helpful as well, so that you have the support of a team backing you up.

About a year ago I was invited by my roommate at the time, to attend a small group bible study.  He warned me that it would probably be outside of my comfort zone.  The other members of the group had a fairly different idea of who God was and what he would do, than I was familiar with.  After taking a few steps to manage the risk, like observe a similar but smaller gathering, and arrange to go with a group of people I knew and trusted, I went and checked it out.  It was fairly shocking at a certain level, but I learned a lot, and walked away with a lot to think about.  When my roommate asked what I thought of the experience the next morning, I only had one observation: "Definitely very dangerous."

The idea of being dangerous is an interesting concept.  The word usually has a negative connotation, but it is not necessarily a bad thing, unless you are afraid of risks in any form.  Being dangerous usually requires some level of power, and involves risk.  Objects can be dangerous, ideas can be dangerous, and people can be dangerous.  I have been reading John Eldredge's book Wild at Heart, and his premise is that all men desire to be dangerous in some form. "If you do not supply a boy with weapons, he will make them from whatever materials are at hand."  He sees this as a positive thing, an important part of life.  I don't necessarily disagree, but the idea takes a little getting used to, especially since our politically correct culture frowns on anything that could be construed as promoting violence.

As someone who studied fencing as a martial art, and a skilled archer who goes by the name Bull’s-Eye in certain circles, I don't know what it is like to be totally devoid of that trait, so I may under appreciate it.  But from another perspective, my life hardly scratches the surface of what is possible in that regards to being dangerous.  I know guys trained as Navy SEALS who are far more dangerous than I will ever be, and I accept that.  They make many sacrifices to be in that position, which I value and appreciate but am not ready to make myself.  (I am pretty perseverant, but sometime during the cold water endurance part of that training, I would be done)  But I suppose I am dangerous enough that I don't feel insecure about that aspect of my character.  Both risk and danger are not things that are missing from my life.

Keep in mind that taking risks does not make you dangerous, but you can't become dangerous without taking some risks.  Interestingly, you can replace dangerous in that statement with rich, friends, married, Christian, or a variety of other terms, so we see that risk plays an important role in most aspects of life.  But because of that, it is important to take steps to manage risks wisely.