On the Consumption of Alcohol - From One Who Can't Get Drunk

Alcohol is an interesting substance.  Its use is another controversial topic from a Christian perspective.  Similar to sexual issues, it is addressed directly in the Bible, but many aspects are open to interpretation.  Abusing alcohol, by drinking too much or too frequently is explicitly prohibited.  But some Christians have erected other "fences" around the issue, using those limits to justify outlawing all consumption of alcohol.  While that may be an acceptable outcome, doing something for the wrong reasons will eventually lead to problems.

Jesus’ first recorded miracle as to turn water into wine.  Jesus shared wine at the last supper, presumably red wine since it represented his blood.  Paul advises Timothy to drink wine instead of water exclusively.  So clearly the Bible does not completely prohibit the consumption of alcohol.

There are lots of potential negative consequences of drinking alcohol, especially as usage increases.  It impedes one's judgment, and relaxes their control over their actions.  This could encourage someone to do something we will later regret, especially if it is something they would not normally have otherwise done.  In this modern age, drunk driving also endangers the lives of innocent bystanders.

So I don't think there is anything wrong with taking a stand against drinking, and even encouraging others to abstain as well, but doing so based on the idea that it is prohibited in the Bible is the wrong approach.  If you are going to completely abstain from alcohol, do it because of the natural consequences as opposed to because God doesn't want us to drink, as if there is some intrinsic evil property to alcohol.  Now God may not want a certain individual to drink, as in the case of a Nazarite, (see Samson-Judges 13) but that is a case for select individuals, and should not be used to govern the general population.

I have a much more impartial perspective on this topic than on the sexual one, because I have no personal interest or struggle with this issue.  I don't even like drinking, so I am not necessarily bothered by that option being taken away, but I also don't like seeing people deceived about the nature of God, and what he says.

I drink very rarely, not because I think it is wrong, but because I don't particularly enjoy it.  I don't usually like the taste, and between having a high metabolism, and a strong stomach, alcohol has very little effect on me.  I have had people in college try to get me drunk, and I played along, out of curiosity I guess, but never felt any different from the experience.  The best they could say was that after a lot to drink, I seemed a little more relaxed.  But it never really appealed to me in the slightest, so I only do it once or twice a year, when the situation calls for it in the name of being polite.  (My brother on the other hand joined a fraternity in college.)

I recently removed a number of pictures from my Facebook profile that showed me drinking.  I put off doing that for a long time, because it felt disingenuous to artificially modify the image projected there, because I have nothing to hide in that regard.  But because the occasion of my concession to have a drink is so rare, it is usually an event unto itself for my colleagues (or a Kodak moment).  This had led to a disproportionate number of those types of photos online, which I eventually realized justified an intervention on my part in the name of accuracy.  But in general I don't try to mold my image so much as I try to mold my life.

Obviously alcohol should not be abused or used in excess, so that means it should be used with care.  This is due to both God's statements about drunkenness in the Bible, and the clear practical realities.  I personally see no reason not to totally abstain from drinking as well, but I would do so based on the potential consequences, not because God prohibits it.  And I would also advise being carefully about judging others for their choices in that regard.  But as for me, I will continue to do so sparingly, when it seems appropriate for social reasons.

Urgent Reasons for Marriage

It is interesting to see how the last few post evolved from relationships and marriage to sex and marriage.  I got onto the relationship focus as I read through the middle of 1st Corinthians.   Then sitting in on a couple of sermons during a singles retreat at the camp I was working at, shifted my mindset towards the struggle against lust.  I have one more set of thoughts to post before I turn the topic elsewhere, as to not get too rutted in a single subject.

Paul tells us we should aim to be content in all things.  I would say that I am as content as I can imagine being in my current position.  I do believe that marriage and raising a family will "improve" my life at some point in the future, but it will also add difficulties I can't even fathom right now.  I ready to accept those difficulties, because from a certain perspective, I have pretty well conquered my current phase in life, and I am looking for what is next.  Now I was successful in that previous phase because with God's help, I approached it carefully and deliberately, with reasonable goals.  So I don't want to rush in to anything in whatever the "next" phase is, but I am trying to prepare for it properly.

Wanting to get married for its own sake is not a good foundation point, so I try to keep things in balance by waiting for the Lord's timing.  But I try to be prepared for the opportune moment, when the rights door is opened to me.  Patience is a challenge, but why?  What is the urgency we feel for things we desire?  The end of my last post prompted me to re-examine my motivations and desires.

Sexual desire is one reason that I want to get married, and it is one of the issues that makes that topic more urgent in my mind.  It's not the only factor, but I will admit that it plays a role in my priorities in that regard.  If I lost the desire or ability to have sex, I would still want to get married.  Sex is an important aspect of marriage, but not the primary focus.  In that case, I would still want someone else to share life with.  But admittedly the issue would become less urgent.

On the other hand if the girl I was interested in marrying had an issue that prevented a "regular" sexual relationship, that would be a similar but different problem from the previous one, because it involves more sacrifice, from a certain perspective. (Willingly giving up something that is already gone in the first case) While I am sure it would cause me to take pause, and pray about whether that was really where God was leading me, it wouldn't be a deal breaker.  If the issue was purely psychological instead of physical, I would see that as a bigger problem, because that would be a more significant difference between us, and our perspectives and values.  I would have an issue with that difference, on the grounds that I am looking for someone I have a lot in common with, and those desires are a significant part of who I am.  If the issue was simply a physical problem, then it would be less troubling in my mind, because characteristics of our body are less reflective of whom we are on the inside.  Regardless, the end result would be the same, in that marriage would not lead to the anticipated healthy outlet for sexual desires, which would no doubt be tough, but would reveal the true depths of the feelings involved in that relationship.

The intent of having children is a practical factor that relates to both sexual functionality (for reproduction), and a the sense of urgency, to a degree.  My 62 year old uncle got married and had a kid in the last two years.  I would prefer to start that process at a much younger age, so that I can keep up with my kids, energy-wise, not to mention live to see them graduate college.  While I would love to hurry the process along, the wise course of action appears to wait for God to open the right doors.  (So hopefully he starts doing that pretty soon;)

The Biblical Relationship between Sex and Marriage

Most of the Bible's references to the link between sex and marriage are indirect, assuming that the link is familiar to the reader, without ever directly spelling it out.  I am not trying to disagree with that perspective, but to learn about God's intent for that both sex and marriage by exploring the link between the two.

I have a pretty clear idea of what sex is, although I don't really understand why I find it so desirable, nor why God created it that way.  On the other hand it makes perfect sense to me why marriage is desirable, and why God created it: "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Genesis 2:18)  But it is less clear what exactly marriage is, and is our modern implementation of it what God intended?  And how does that relate to sexual intimacy?

There are obvious and clear consequences, both physical and psychological, of sexual intimacy.  The possibilities of pregnancy at an inconvenient time, as well as the issue of STDs are physical risks.  The psychological consequences are the bonds formed by sex, which some people refer to as "soul-ties," as well as the potential feelings of guilt and regret.  Sex clearly has an impact on the relationship between the participants.

From a purely logical perspective, marriage lowers those risks.  It is difficult for two virgins to contract an STD from each other.  Marriage (ideally) provides a stable environment for potentially raising a child.  The level of commitment between the involved parties should overcome any potential psychological changes to their relationship.  So it is not illogical to link sex with marriage, but there is a big difference between something being imprudent or risky, and it being morally wrong.

What other aspect of Biblical morality changes so much depending on the context?  Imagine a man and woman in a room together, and they are having sex. (Don't get too carried away;)  What they are doing is either very wrong or very right, but the only differentiating point is this thing marriage.  Did Adam and Eve get married?  What is marriage really?  At a certain level, marriage is a covenant commitment.  It is also a legal status, an event in time, an extension of a family, and a physical illustration of a spiritual reality.  What aspect of marriage is the part that suddenly makes sexual intimacy morally acceptable?

One more complication is that the Bible clearly allows for men to have multiple wives.  If we are to view marriage as an illustration of how our relationship with God is supposed to look, (as the bride of Christ) this is a one-to-many type relationship as well.  Now I have no interest in having more than one wife, but the concept of being married to more than one person definitely challenges my modern conception of what marriage is supposed to be (Finding my other half).  Biblically, the reason why sex is linked to marriage may have more to do with the fact that women needed men to commit to protect and provide for them (and the children that sex produced), as opposed to some overly spiritualized magical effect of marriage on the relationship. (see Deuteronomy 25:5)

One result of this link is that desire for sexual intimacy becomes a motivation for marriage.  I can see both good and bad sides to this.  If we assume that the differences between males and females make them ideally suited to help each other in pairs, and therefore marriage is inherently beneficial to them, then factors encouraging marriage are good.  But there is more to marriage than just sex, so strong sexual urges could lead to marriage for the wrong reasons, which would be a negative effect.

The Power of Lust, and the Power of Weakness

By certain definitions, lust can apply to many things, but I will limit this post to how it applies to sex.  In a general sense, lust is defined as a self-absorbed desire.  Contrast this with the fact that sex was designed to be a relational bond, and any selfish approach towards it is clear to cause problems.  Besides the selfish issue, lust for anything is a sign of priorities out of order.  The Bible lays out a host of specific boundaries, as well as a number of principles, limiting how sexual desires should be gratified, and most lustful desires fall outside of those boundaries

Sex or lust is the only "vice" that I feel any temptation towards.  I don't smoke, not because it’s bad for one’s health, but because I have not even the remotest desire to try it.  And while I occasionally have a drink to be social, I have no real interest in that activity.  And drugs are totally off my radar; I usually even avoid taking medication unless I really need it.  But I can relate to people's fascination with and interest in sex. (Not necessarily all of those interests, but the general struggle with lust in its many forms)

Lust is an extra challenging struggle, for a number of reasons.  For one, the problem can exist entirely in your mind, even if you exercise complete control over your physical actions.  I have always found the idea of controlling my thoughts to be a bit ridiculous: my mind goes a mile a minute, and I have enough trouble steering thoughts in the right direction, (staying focused and avoiding distractions) that I can’t fathom stopping any from ever going in the wrong direction.  Beyond the psychological aspects, there is an obvious biological element that plays a role in how and when the problem manifests. (Supposedly that is true of drug addictions and such as well, but I have no experience with that.)  Lack of a healthy outlet for sexual desire is not the source of lust, but it definitely can increase the issue by another order of magnitude.

Part of me is aware that: if it wasn't for this one weakness, I would find it much more difficult to relate to other people's consistent moral struggles.  Since there is at least one aspect of my life or thoughts that I don't wield complete conscious control over, I have a lot more sympathy and compassion for the struggles and failures of others.  I am not perfect by any means, but that is the one issue which consistently illustrates to me my own shortcomings and weaknesses.

Besides the effect that it has on my perspective of others, weakness towards lust also plays a significant role in my relationship with God.  Being conscious of my own weakness makes it easier to recognize my dependence on his mercy, both in forgiveness for past transgressions and strength to avoid future ones.  I have by now figured out that it is not a problem that I can solve on my own.

In his book "The Screwtape Letters," C.S.Lewis refers to the idea that God can grant a reprieve in regards to lust: "the Enemy (God) has, for the time being, put a forcible end to your direct attacks on the patient's chastity."  I would love to know what exactly he is referring to here, since I have yet to experience it, but others have described something similar to me.  While I have, at moments, found it easier than usual to prevail in the constant struggle with lust, those periods of time are much shorter than the months that are alluded to in the book.  This is followed shortly thereafter by the statement that: "your man has now discovered the dangerous truth that these attacks don't last forever" which is something that I am also still waiting to discover.  I have difficulty believing that this is a realistic possibility, “but with God all things are possible.” (Matt 19:26)

Sex (That Ought to Increase my Search Engine Optimization)

It would seem that no other word elicits such a strong reaction in our culture as the word "sex."  In its simplest sense, it refers to the concept of gender, but most frequently it refers to a set of intimate actions.  Those actions are some of the most controversial ideas in our culture.  The spectrum of different meanings and values assigned to those actions by different groups is wider than any other possible topic.

From a certain perspective, most of the actual actions that are encompassed by the term "sex" would seem totally absurd to an asexual entity. (You're going to do what?)  But humans seem to have some innate predisposition towards those things, which defies logic and reason.  The only aspect of sex that is logical is the part it plays in the reproductive process.  And that only applies to the most basic forms, and in no way explains the pleasure aspect of sexuality.  Sexual desires are very powerful, and powerful things can be dangerous if not handled with care.  The liberal approach of embracing every sexual pleasure has led to the development of all sorts of strange variations and permutations, which are clearly getting out of control.

From a conservative perspective, sex in all of its forms, is this "thing" that is viewed as bad, and to be avoided and suppressed for so long, and rarely even talked about.  And then one day when you get married, all of a sudden it is okay, and even a good thing.  That dramatic shift is something I still don't fully understand.  I know all of the facts and details; I just don't understand why God would structure things that way.  Very few other moral things in life change that much depending on the situation.  One thing is for sure, I am completely confident that God intended for people to get married earlier.  That would alleviate much, but not all, of that struggle.

The struggle itself is rooted in the pleasurable aspect of sex, which is something that God clearly created that way.  I have heard a number of intellectual explanations proposed for why he created things that way, but none of them have given me a solid grasp of what his purpose in doing that must have been.  The negative results of that potential pleasure seem to far outweigh the positive ones. (Strengthening aspect of marriage, compared to adultery, lust, deviance, and rape, among other things)  While I look forward to the positive results it should have on my eventual marriage, I find it hard to imagine what it would have to be like to make it worth the problems I see it causing.

Marriage-Can a Relationship Last a Lifetime?

Sustaining any close relationship over a long period of time is very challenging.  Things are always in motion, so people are always getting closer together or farther apart.  This is easy to see in friendships, since they usually have a shorter cycle.  While some friendship last for a long time, they usually fluctuate depending on the season of life, with our closest friends varying over time as we grow.  The issue with marriage is that it has to survive the same natural fluctuations as friendships, but without the resulting lulls.  Constantly growing closer would be ideal, but how can we make that happen?  One thing that I know is possible, is that two people can constantly learn more about each other, and that continuous exploration and discovery will probably help them maintain motion towards each other, as opposed to apart.

The fact that this relationship is between members of opposite genders makes it more challenging, since they come from totally different perspectives.  That difference makes even simple friendship more complicated.  I was unable to develop a simple or relaxed friendship with any girl for many years, not for lack of effort.  Since college, I have had a little more success in that regard, but it is never easy, and sustaining it is even harder.  (Girls just make things complicated;)

Marriage or the potential for it, amps up the emotional aspect of a relationship, with many hopes and dreams wrapped up in the possible outcome.  For some reason this frequently causes people (male and female) to act completely irrationally.  Small conflicts that would normally have no effect on a simple friendship can grow rapidly if left unchecked.  The greater amount of time spent together increases the volume of these potential issues as well.  And having kids would add another order of magnitude as well.

It is interesting to observe the effect that proximity has on a relationship.  In college, or living at camp, people who are “in a relationship” can eat every meal together, even though they aren’t really living together.  The positive side of that constant contact is people get to know each other better, and more genuinely.  On the other hand, out in the real world, the effort required to develop a relationship to that level causes people to have a more full appreciation for what they have invested their life in.  But I would imagine that the default contact of the smaller environment would make for an easier transition to married life, when you are together nearly all the time.

When you are living with someone else as a roommate, while many of your belongings may become physically integrated, for example in the kitchen, there is still a differentiation between what is mine, and what is yours.  Getting married involves totally integrating your lives, and (ideally) those differentiating labels disappear.  There is no longer a mine and yours, but everything is ours.  This should include not just physical belongings, but plans, hopes, and dreams.

Like all things in life worth having, I am sure marriage will require consistent effort and patience.  If at age 75, I am sitting next to my wife on the porch, and we are both still smiling, I’ll know it was worth it.  Until then, I will have to trust my observation of older couples who have succeeded in navigating the course together.  Unfortunately those cases are rarer than they should be, but that doesn’t make them any less powerful of an illustration.

Forms of Social Communication and Their Effect on Dating

Among the other various "rules" of dating, there exists the idea that the guy should call the girl a day or two after a date.  I guess that is supposed to be his signal of continued interest.  Although I have always been aware of this custom, until recently I never really applied it.  One reason for this is that I rarely viewed these planned events as "dates," in regards to all of the extra baggage, (including this idea) that is attached to that term.  In my mind, I was just going somewhere to hang out with a girl.  So I wouldn't necessarily follow up with a call or other message a day or two later.

Not only that, but I actually would do the opposite.  If I spent a few hours talking with someone, they should be all caught up on any "news" in my life, so it will be a while before I have anything else significant to tell them.  Since I don't really make small talk all that well, (which is all that follow up would be) I won't have much to say.  Instead, I wait until it is time to catch up or get together again before contacting them.  I have no idea what impact totally ignoring that custom may have had on my potential relationships, but I will try to be more conscious of it in the future.

That leads to the question of how best to communicate with people in that regard.  This is where I see an option like Facebook as a valuable tool.  It is the least intrusive form of communication that is still reliable.  Email has become very business oriented, at least to the under 40 generation. (Those over forty seem to use it primarily to forward pictures of cats)  Sending an email without much content besides: "Hey what's up?" will stand out in certain circles, same as a phone call can.  Either one can get the legitimate response: "You know, I am at work" but if someone is checking their Facebook messages, clearly that is not an issue for them at the moment.

As an aside, I used to consider text messages to be inherently urgent, back when I was paying ten cents apiece for them. I was stunned to find out that certain friends in college had forwarded their AIM accounts to their phones, while I was sending them "How's it going?" type messages because I thought they must be bored in front of their computer at the moment.  While there is nothing wrong with any of that, the fact that it bothered me probably says something about how I view my value in regards to other people's time.  But it may just be that I didn't like the idea of crying wolf, because normally when I am trying to get a hold of someone, it is for something important.

Anyhow, so Facebook provides a method of communication that only intrudes into someone else's attention when they invite it to do so.  This has given me a forum to do much more social communication than I ever had in the past, and splitting my time between two geographical locations means that all of my friendships are long distance about 50% of the time.  In regards to dating, my only "relationship" since Facebook was invented, involved communication evenly split between phone/txt, Facebook, and Skype chat.  I have over 500 texts accumulated with another friend, since that is her preferred form of communication.  But not much real communication takes place in that medium, especially compared to the extended dialogs I have with people on Facebook over many months.  It is interesting to scroll back through them and see what I was thinking about in the past, and how things have changed since then.  I anticipate a similar experience someday re-reading what I have written on here.

Dating, Whatever That Is

I have always disliked the word "dating" as it applies to relationships, due to the ambiguity of that term.  It is hard enough to define the specifics of something as intangible as a romantic relationship, without having words with multiple accepted meanings.  Going on a "date" with someone doesn't mean that you are "dating" them, and even if you are, that can entail totally different things, depending on who you ask.  Other terms like "going steady" or "being exclusive" have obvious connotations that are widely accepted.

People also make a big deal about whether an event is a "date" or not.  In high school, people go to a dance "as friends" or "as a date."  From a certain perspective, any planned event to get together is a date, but people have added a lot of baggage to the term.

Then there is the distinction between dating and courting, which usually casts dating in a negative light.  But other people's definition of dating easily encompasses both variations.  Regardless of that, I am a fan of that distinction for two reasons.  For one, it adds some level of definition to the vagueness of what dating is, and because I like the deliberateness behind courting.  While I am not a fan of many of the rules commonly associated with courting, I like the idea of pursuing a relationship specifically for the purpose of exploring the possibility of marriage.

On the other hand, that potentially negative perspective on certain types of dating causes certain people to fear being in any way associated with the process.  Someone with a high degree of anxiety about dating is probably going to have trouble even being friends with a member of the opposite gender.  I know I was that way in high school, and to a degree in college as well.  Having no experience in that area, I didn't know where the lines were drawn.  I was very interested in being friends with girls, but didn't want them to get the wrong idea, which usually led to me being very passive in that process.

Under a broad definition, I guess I have gone on "dates" with at least seven different girls over the last ten years.  Must most of them would (accurately) claim that we were "just friends."  Only two of those people were girls I was "dating," or more specifically: "in a relationship with." (That widely accepted phrase brought to you by Facebook)  Neither of those relationships involved anything close to courting.  And while I like the idea behind courting, I appreciate what I was able to learn about girls and romantic relationships from the two girls I have "dated."

Progressive Stages of Intimacy

For a long time I have had trouble with the concept of applying what I know about the relationship of marriage, to how I relate to God.  Not having directly experienced marriage yet is the first obstacle, but I have observed other marriages, so that is a starting point.  Then there is the issue of gender, with mankind inferred as fulfilling the female role of marriage with God, which makes my masculine side uncomfortable.  But there is much that does make sense for them to have in common.  Both are a serious commitment or covenant, as a result of persistent pursuit by both parties, involving trust, fidelity, and perseverant self-sacrifice.  As for the gender roles, there is the expectation that God will "take care of us" and protect us, and that we can count on him.

Until recently, it hadn’t even occurred to me to view that connection between those two relationships from the other direction.  What can I learn about marriage from my relationship with God?  From a bird's eye view of the Bible, I see it describing our relationship with God as something that grows over time, rarely all at once.  We see this, among other ways, in the analogies that are used to describe that relationship, which include progressively increasing levels of intimacy.  We as the clay, and God as the potter, describes a relationship where the two elements have a common goal, but little more connection.  There is a stronger connection between a shepherd and his sheep, with the shepherd caring for them, and the sheep actively following him.  A servant and master have a stronger connection still, but not the intimacy, that you would see with a Father and his children, where there should be deep love and affection running both directions.  But God takes it even farther, using the bride and bridegroom illustration, which is clearly the deepest form of intimacy that we can experience during out human lives.

The same things apply to marriage, in a variety of ways.  It is obviously a serious commitment should not be undertaken lightly, so it is generally accepted that it is unwise to marry someone you just met.  I know someone who got engaged within two weeks of meeting their fiancé, a situation of great concern to everyone who knew them.  But this idea of progressive levels of intimacy can be taken much further.  I would go as far as to say that it appears ideal to go through progressive stages of intimacy (acquaintances, friends, dating/courting, engaged, and married) in a slow and deliberate fashion.  Many people try to start new relationships at the dating stage, while others have no interest in progressing past that point.

Trust is built one step at a time, and there are few shortcuts.  Even knowing someone as an acquaintance before you really become friends teaches you something important about a person: how do they treat people they don't know very well?  That is something you will never again have an outside perspective on.  It is an accepted idea that we tend to be more forgiving of people that we are more intimately associated with, which is an important component to justice at an academic level.  But on a practical level, it also makes us blind to their patterns and tendencies. 

It should be obvious that I am not a big fan of the idea of “love at first sight.”  All of the girls I have ever been seriously attracted to, (to the point of action) were all people I didn’t even take notice of initially.  It was only later, after I got to know them more, that I started seeing them in a different way.  Possibly because of that trend, the idea of looking for someone to marry seems foreign to me.  I am not just going to up and meet the perfect person for me to marry; and even if I did, how would I know?  The fact that I am always slow to develop relationships with other people is probably a significant factor in this perspective, but I believe it to be true beyond that limitation in my life.

I do not usually consciously value first impressions as much as I should (seeing a first impression as the first year that I know someone) but I know early stages of a relationship are an important part of building a strong foundation.  Intimacy is an important aspect of a marriage, but developing that takes many progressive steps, as trust is built over time.  It is the same with our relationship with God.

All Things are Related to Relationships

The next few topics I have in mind all focus on relationships.  I have been putting these off for a while, since I didn't want that to appear to be the primary topic of this entire endeavor.  But even if it was, that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing.  If a deliberate examination of and discussion about the nature of relationships on here improves my understanding and approach to them, that will be well worth it.  I have another site dedicated to examining the development of technology in the world of video post-production.  I have been writing on there for four years, and my career in that industry has really taken off during that period of time.  I can only dream that this process could have the same effect on my relationships with others. (Regardless, I will return to other topics in the future, but relationships may last a while)

While any two objects in the universe have a relationship of some sort, (words are on pages, in books, at the library, etc.) that is not what I mean by relationship.  The interactions between people form the basis for the most complicated relationships in the universe.  While I am interested in better understanding all forms of interpersonal relationships, I will be primarily focusing on two specific types for now.  The first is a relationship with God, an entity that the Bible establishes personhood to.  The second type I want to examine is romantic relationships, including both marriage and the process leading up to that commitment.  These two types of relationships are very connected from a Biblical perspective, and that link is why I am examining them together.

Marriage is supposed to be a physical illustration of the relationship between us and God.  This "relationship" between those two concepts works both ways.  We can learn how we are supposed to relate to God by examining the strong marriages around us, but we can also learn about how our marriage is supposed to be, by examining how our relationship with God is, or should be.  So things written in the Bible about marriage should apply to our interactions with God, and passages about our relationship with God should apply to an ideal marriage.  And the Bible has lots to say about both types of relationships.

Is Strength the Difference between Success and Failure?

I read "Wild at Heart" a while back, and the premise of that book is that the primary question central to a man's life is: "Am I strong enough?  Do I have what it takes?"  This is not necessarily limited to physical strength, but includes intellectual and emotional strength.  One side effect of that insecurity is that men hesitate to risk putting themselves in situations where they may appear to be lacking strength if they fail.

This is as opposed to women, in that line of thought, whose biggest concern is being beautiful, which will only really be reflected in their relationships, not their accomplishments.  Obviously these are both broad generalizations, but I have seen evidence supporting both ideas in the events around me over the last few weeks, when observed from that perspective.  It has been interesting to look farther back, to see how that principle may have been at work in my life.

I have never really viewed myself as someone with superior physical strength, at least in the traditional bodybuilding sense.  I have always been a fast runner, but could barely bench-press my own body weight.  But I can climb an 80 foot tree with 50lbs of gear on my harness, so I am clearly not totally lacking in physical strength.

But the aspect of "strength" in which I most clearly excel is intellectual in nature.  From one perspective, I have no question in my mind, and am totally confident, that I "have what it takes" in that regard.  But upon deeper introspection, I have realized that is not entirely true.  This issue manifests itself in my life in my approach to technical problems versus creative ones.  I have a level of natural talent in both areas, but I usually steer far clear of creative questions in my professional life.  This leads to statements like: "That is a creative question, which you guys are going to have to figure out.  Once you decide what you want, I can tell you how to do it."

I am realizing that is caused by the high standard for being "right" that I have set for myself.  If I propose a solution to a creative problem, it is quite likely that someone else may come up with a better option, or an improvement to my idea, which indirectly makes me look inferior.  While this is possible with solutions to technical problems as well, it is much less likely.  Technical problems usually have a "right" answer, and I am someone who can usually figure out exactly what that is.  I am probably one of the best in the world at finding quick and efficient solutions to technical problems in the sphere of my professional life.  With such a high reputation when viewed from that perspective, I hesitate to offer my "opinion" to questions of a creative nature.  In those cases the only "right" answer is the one that other people agree is optimal, a criterion which I have no control over.

When working on my own projects, I have no issue with making creative decisions, but in the realm of my job and professional situations, I have trouble taking that risk.  From a practical career perspective, I need to get over that insecurity about how my creative ideas and opinions are received in that context, in order to continue moving forward, since I have pretty much topped out on the technical side.

Feel of failure in regards to emotional strength is another whole issue, which plays out primarily in relationships, as opposed to accomplishments.  I anticipate that will be one of the primary topics in my next few posts.

Planning to Control Your Life

I have always been someone with a precise idea of what I was doing next.  Originally this came from my parents, they had a precise idea of what they wanted me to do next, but eventually I took ownership of that course.  Planning can obviously be a very helpful thing, and is definitely necessary to an extent.  But planning, like anything else in life, can become a negative thing if you find yourself focusing too much attention on it.  God has a plan for your life as well, and your plan should account for that fact. (James 4:14)

Besides that, focusing too much on the future causes us to miss the present.  There is a balance to be found between investing in the future and seizing the moment.  I have many options available to me in my future, as a result of past investments I made for the future.  That future is now, so that investment was worth it, but it was definitely a gamble.  If I had died at 23, I would have spent nearly my entire life preparing for a future that I never experienced.  Since then, I have made a major theatrical film, spent five more summers at camp, and established a large degree of financial freedom.

When I was in high school, I developed a vision of what I wanted to do in my career.  I laid out a series of goals that I wanted to accomplish.  These included: being the "technology guy" at a small company, building the entire infrastructure for a company from scratch, using the newest and fastest computers on the market, helping to develop new cutting edge tools, and creating new ways to do existing tasks.  In the five years since I graduated college, I have managed to clearly accomplish every one of those objectives.

My plans have helped me succeed in areas of life that I naturally excel in, but in aspects of life that I struggle with, my plans have been of little assistance.  Certain things can’t be calculated and planned, and that is where we see our need for God and his plan for our life. (Proverbs 19:14)  Giving up control of our lives to God is no simple task, and requires faith, which is why it is an important step.

I like to compare planning in my life to the little computer game where you lay pipes trying to stay ahead of the flow of water.  Sometimes you have a lot of extra pipes ahead, and other times you are barely keeping up, but the water approaches at a constant speed.  Time is like that flow of water, constantly marching forward, whether we are prepared or not.  And as far as the pipes go, in my life, the water reached the end of the pipe around November of last year.  This didn't result in a big mess the way I previously feared it might, but it definitely changed things.

Nothing bad has happened as a result of the removal of my own death grip on the course of my life, so I am learning to trust God in new ways.  In certain ways it has given me a whole new perspective on the smaller details, and I am becoming more flexible with the few plans I do have.  I am also letting go of the control I usually exert over those around me, which is an issue that God revealed to me last spring.  It is all sort of a process of “loosening up” about life in general.  God has blessed me, and my barns are full, but what should I do next?  The Bible makes it clear what not to do, (Luke 12:16-20) but I am still seeking guidance from God about how best to use the position he has put me in.

Giving based on Needs versus Tithing based on God's Provision

While I don't consider myself to be lacking in generosity towards God or those around me, I have never had a deliberate and consistent approach to tithing.  Since tithing is an Old Testament concept, under "The Law" that Jesus has already fulfilled, it technically shouldn't be a requirement any more.  The same could be said for a lot of other things in the Old Testament, but that doesn't mean that tithing is not a good kingdom principle.  Jesus commended those who gave all that they had, which is a much more than the standard tithe.

While I have always been one to put money in the offering plate at church, up to this point most of my giving has been dictated by the level of the needs that I perceive around me.  This is different than giving based on the level of provision in my life, presumably from God.  God has blessed me with a lot, by any measure, so I should probably be more cognizant of that in regards to my giving.

The first practical question, since I don't have a consistent source of income, is: what figure do I calculate my tithe from.  My first inclination was to base it on the amount of money I "earned" from my work in any given month, regardless of when I received payment, which is frequently months later.  This is how I do most of my accounting and budgeting, so it seemed natural.  After I thought and prayed about it, the issue that was revealed is that method makes no concession for the possibility that God can provide us with money that we don't necessarily earn.  For example, I got a sizable refund when I switched my car insurance to NorCal, because rates are lower up here, which wouldn't appear when totaling what I earned, but God provided it none the less.  Gifts I received would be similarly ignored in that system.

Instead it seems better to total up all of the money I receive from any source in a given month, and use that as the basis for how much I aim to give.  That leads to the question of: to whom should I be giving this tithe to?  That is something I am still working on figuring out, but it will not be a simple single answer.  I will still give to the churches I attend, and when I see needs arise, but whenever that doesn't reach the level of a standard 10% tithe for that month, I will set the excess aside, to be used at the next opportunity God provides.  Longer term, this will probably entail lowering the threshold for what I classify as a "need" in order to meet that objective, which is a good thing. 

I have a number of possible needs to contribute to, many of which I already do, but I could do so at higher levels.  I also have another method of giving that is a bit more unorthodox.  When people I know are trying to raise specific amounts of money, to support their own ministries or fund mission trips, or things like that, I always have trouble determining how much to give them.  One solution I use to that question is to ask them to let me know how much they still need when their deadline approaches, and offer to cover the remainder.  Among other issues, this approach only works if I trust the recipient to continue fund-raising after I make that guarantee, but more often than not, they will end up reaching their goal without further assistance from me.  And when they don't, then I have no doubt in my mind about how much God wants me to give them, nor the value of that contribution.  Even if they don't end up needing money from me, there is value to what I am doing, in absorbing risk, and hopefully easing any stress they have about failing to meet their goal or deadline.  It could be argued that God is the one they should be relying on and trusting to come through for them in that situation, but at the end of the day, are we not all His instruments?

But in order to give a full tithe I am going to have to start doing more actual giving, as opposed to just making offers, or I am going to have to start making a whole lot more offers.  That could turn out to be an expensive proposition, but tithing is supposed to be establishing a minimum level of generosity, not a maximum one.

Feelings versus Emotions and How We Control Them

I would contend that feelings and emotions are not the same thing, but emotions may be a subset of feelings.  Emotions are felt, but many other things are felt as well.  If you bite on the end of your finger you feel pressure.  If you touch an ice cube, it will feel cold, and a stove will feel hot.  These sensations are clearly feelings, but obviously not emotions.

If you lose something important, you may feel sad as a result.  If you discover that someone stole what you are missing, you may feel angry.  If you manage to get it back, you may feel happy about that.

Pain is an interesting feeling, because it can be a both a physical sensation, and an emotional one, depending on the situation.  It is clearly a physical sensation when we injure our bodies; it is the body's primary way of communicating problems to the mind.  But we can also feel pain in a very real way without a physical source, purely from the situation we are in or our relationships with others.

Since emotions effect how we feel, this brings up the question of, can we control them?  I have been raised being told constantly that we choose how we feel, and I never believed that for a moment.  At least in its simplistic form, I am sure that we can’t will ourselves to be happy or for our pain to go away, but we can consciously ignore or suppress our feelings.  I would argue that we don't directly consciously control or feelings or emotions, but that over time our reactions to them will effect how we experience them.

This is easier to illustrate with physical feelings.  Put a hat on and you will feel it constricting your head, good luck consciously willing that feeling to go away, but if you wait a few minutes, you won't even notice it anymore.  Pain works the same way over longer periods of time.  If we ignore physical pain for long enough, we will adjust to it, and while it will still be there, it will not have nearly as strong of an effect on us.  There was a time in my life when no amount of physical pain could cause me to cry.  I had built up enough walls internally, that I observed my pain more than I felt it.  Emotional pain was still able to penetrate to a degree, but that was probably muted as well.  It is probably easier for us to build up a tolerance for emotional pain, as it is usually less of an acute sensation.  We become numbed to our problems if we continue to ignore them.  In this way we definitely can control our feelings, and our emotions.

If we suppress our emotions, they don't necessarily cease to exist; we just become less conscious of them.  Since they are very much still there, that leaves the potential for them to grow in strength while we aren't paying attention, and "sneak up on us" unexpectedly.  This is why some people emotionally explode at a minor provocation after keeping things bottled up inside for a long time.

I know people who deliberately cry if it has been a while, just to get it out, as a catharsis or sorts.  In that way, it is possible to consciously influence our emotions in the immediate, but I would say they are fairly limited.  If you deliberately dwell on sad thoughts, you will feel sadness, and if you focus on your own failings you will feel guilty, but only for a short while.  Those "artificial" emotions don't compare to the ones that occur within us naturally, based on our situations and perspective.  Those situations and perspective are results of decisions we have made, so in that way we influence our emotions as well, but this is an indirect relationship.  I can’t just consciously will myself to be happy all of the time, I have to make decisions and choices that eventually bring about that result in my life.

Love is also an emotion, but that is only one of its many forms.  We may not necessarily be able to control who we love, but we certainly choose who we show love to.  Maintaining deliberate control over our actions regardless of how we feel is a way in which we can control our feelings as well.

Knowing in Our Minds versus Knowing in Our Hearts

There is a difference between knowing something in your mind, and knowing it in your heart.  I have heard it said recently: "they are so close, yet there seems to be no direct route between them."  Things in your mind compose what you know, while things in your heart determine who you are.  Things that you know in your heart are operating behind the scenes, shaping the perspective that you view life from.  For example, believing that there is a God with a plan for your life, totally changes how you perceive and interpret the things that happen to you.  It is not just an idea that you classify as true, and file among the thousands of other facts stored in your mind.  It starts out as simply an idea that you learn about, but then as you believe it enough to let it effect your actions and decisions, it becomes something more.

It is not that these ideas actually reside in our organ that pumps blood, but they exist outside our conscious thoughts, affecting us at a deeper level.  We probably use the term "heart" to describe that deeper place, because that is usually where we feel the most acute sensations when experiencing strong emotions.  And our emotions are strongly influenced by what we believe in our hearts.  As much as I would like to be able to do so, my conscious mind can’t dictate or control my emotions.  At a certain level, my heart can.  If someone you know dies, consciously thinking in your mind about the fact that they should be in a better place, doesn’t necessarily make you feel any better, but knowing that in your heart can.

There are a variety of things that I believe with my mind, that have yet to fully infiltrate my heart.  That is usually a slow process, but it doesn't have to be.  Recently I have been learning a lot about God and how he operates in the physical world.  This has transformed much of what I believe in my mind, but it will take longer for those new ideas to transform my heart.  Believing that God can perform a miracle comes from the mind, while trusting that He will perform a miracle comes from the heart.

I have little trouble believing that God will take care of my basic physical needs, because he has been faithful in that regard for a long time, giving that idea time to settle firmly into my heart.  Believing that God with continue to provide me with positive relationships with people around me on the other hand, is something I have trouble believing in my heart.  Because of this, I constantly find myself striving to make that happen on my own terms.  This method is a constant struggle, and has frustratingly inconsistent results.  I am still learning how to trust God with this issue.

On the other hand, there are certain things that I believe with my heart, that my mind has trouble grasping.  I believe I know certain things about God's plan for me, that an objective view of the facts provides little evidence for right now.  Only time will tell if I am correctly interpreting what God is telling me, but he continues to do so all of the time.