It is Amazing that I still got an "A" in Physics

I once again went through my sixth block class with my mind completely focused elsewhere.  I was of course kicking myself for not handling the previous situation differently, but not sure if that would have really mattered.  I was fairly emotionally stressed, and to be completely honest, I was probably at least as afraid of potential "success" in that realm, as I was of failure.  Ironically, I had little control over the outcome, as far as I could tell, but I had no intention of turning down any direct requests.

I played the events of the last hour over in my head endlessly, trying to analyze them as impartially as possible.  Had that really just been happening?  Or was it all just in my head?  It is extremely difficulty to compensate for ones strong emotions when trying to think clearly, and make an honest evaluation of a situation.  As much as you try to compensate for the potential for your desires to cloud your judgment, it is impossible to strike that balance perfectly.  As expressed in "A Beautiful Mind," you can't think your way out of a problem, if the problem itself is in your mind.

Once class was over, I headed back outside, into the real world.  While class was in session, it paused any social interaction, and gave me time to think and contemplate.  But once the bell rang, I had to step back outside, and that aspect of life resumed at full speed.  As I left the classroom, the same one as before, where I could see out unobserved, I saw that W would a few steps behind me on the sidewalk.  Given the events at lunch, I was even more bent out of shape about that than usual.  As I was walking along, one of W's friends Mark approached me and starting talking.  Based on an earlier unrelated incident, I was not a big fan of Mark, and didn't trust him at all.  I knew him and we had classes together, but we rarely interacted beyond that.  I believe his opening line was: "So I hear you like W."  Well that put me at DefCon-1, since I had never had a conversation like that, especially with someone I didn't really know, and definitely not within earshot of the girl we were talking about.  I doubt I gave him an affirmative response, probably a non-committal, "Oh is that so?"  He continued: "So we decided that you should ask her to the dance."  Instead of inquiring who "we" was referring to, I pointed out: "Isn't she supposed to be the one asking me for this one?"  I don't remember his response, if I even stuck around long enough to hear it.  Instead I bolted down the first hallway that we came to, reflexively trying to escape the uncomfortable conversation.  Looking back I can see that he was trying to help me out, likely at her request.  But at the time, I was certain that he was trying to embarrass me in some way in front of her, or something like that.

I can’t remember for sure, but I think that was the same day that she had a dead battery, and came into the lab after school, looking for someone to give her a jump start.  Since I didn’t have a car, I wasn’t really in a position to help her, even if I had been in a normal frame of mind.

That conversation left me in an interesting position, once I had some time to think about it.  Should I actually take Mark’s advice?  I had no idea whether or not that reverse tradition was actually implemented by students as much as it was talked about.  Seeking advice from others would have been wise, but this was a long time before I learned the value of conversations like that, or became comfortable doing so. (At least as comfortable as one can get when sharing their feelings)  Should I continue to wait for her, or had that been her move?  Since waiting to see what happens next takes place by default, with a lack of initiative, that is how it played out.  Nothing out of the ordinary happened for the next week, and while I didn't pass up any golden opportunities, I didn't actively seek any out either.  The dance happened, and I even ended up going to the first half of it, since I helped set up the sound system.  She was there, but we didn't directly interact at all, a fairly anti-climatic finish to the previous week.

Not much significant happened on that front for the rest of the school year, but we managed to have some random awkward encounter nearly everyday.  I felt trapped, and powerless to deal with the problem, since nothing I tried to do seemed to ease the situation any.  I was incapable of talking with her about anything at all, let alone the situation that had developed, which I continued to suffer through on a daily basis.  This probably would have been overshadowed by any "real' struggles taking place at the time, but by Junior & Senior year, I had high school pretty well figured out.

Unfamiliar Territory

This whole story probably wouldn't even be worth the effort I am investing in it, if it wasn't for the effect that it had on daily life for the next year and a half until I graduated college.  I think the situation that developed from that really defined my perspective on relationships and dating for many years.  In reality, asking someone to a dance is really not that big of a deal, but it was the first time in my entire life, that I had outwardly expressed interest in a girl, and to her directly.  I had never even talked with other people about feelings like that, let alone with the object of my interest.  I had also never had anyone do that to me, so I had no idea what her perspective on that would be.  I basically had no idea how to act around her after that, and felt like she was probably watching everything I was doing, whenever she was around.  So that made me slightly insecure around her, or more accurately, completely incapacitated.

Somehow, I would always know, about 5 seconds before I would run into her.  I have no idea how that happened, since it is (on paper) impossible, but I always knew.  That was just enough time to get nervous, for my blood pressure to go up, and for my brain to just overload and "reboot" if you will.  By the time she would come around the corner, or through the doorway, I was basically frozen, at least mentally, and I figure I must have had a deer in the headlights look every time.  She probably treated me reasonably normally, with a "Hi Mike" anytime that was the appropriate greeting, while I would maybe get out a stuttered "Hi," if I could pull myself together that far.  This usually happened in some form everyday at school, a bit different each time.  I didn't have any classes or other regular interactions with W, but the school isn't that big, with only two main hallways, so it is bound to happen at random.

The next dance was the Sadie Hawkins, about two months later, where traditionally the girl asks the guy to go with her.  This is probably good thing, from a practical growth standpoint, allowing student to experience things from the opposite perspective; Girls seeing what its like to have to take the initiative, and guys being at the mercy of the girl's interest.  So while the emotional side of me had high hopes, the rational side of my brain didn't let me get too carried away.  I don't think she had given any signs about how she felt about me, and even if she did, I wouldn't have been able to interpret them with any degree of unbiased accuracy.

So similar in timing to the previous event, things got interesting on the Thursday a week before the dance.  I was eating lunch with Gus, one of the other students in Thunderpaw, and we were the only two left at our table near the end of lunch.  W was eating a few tables away, and as always, I was very conscious of her presence there.  We had finished our food, and were just talking at that point, but most of my focus was what was going on at W's table, way off to my right.  She was standing up, and her friends were waving and encouraging her to do something.

She headed towards us, which definitely got me hear rate up.  She covered half the distance to my table before pausing, turning around, and darting back, which led to a little more commotion with her friends.  I have very good peripheral vision, so I can stare at something without pointing my eyes at it.  I probably appeared to be very focused on Gus and our talk, when in reality I was closely observing what was going on over there.  As the pattern began to repeat, I realized that Gus was talking about taking off, and going to work in the lab.  I panicked a bit on the inside, and was quick to point out that there was another class in there at the moment, since they had the opposite lunch schedule.  That was true, but that didn't usually prevent us from going in there and working during lunch.  I just didn't want him to leave, because then I would have no good excuse to continue sitting there, to see what happened next.  I don't just sit around doing nothing very well, it just feels awkward.  That makes me a more productive person, but means I rarely really relax.  Based on my preference against having an audience when approaching W, it would have made more sense to let him leave, but I wasn't thinking very clearly at the moment.  So we continued talking, as I pretended to ignore that W headed over my way two or three times, but never got all the way to us.  Eventually she sat back down, presumably giving up, and the bell rang shortly thereafter.

It would perfectly reasonable, both at the time and looking back now, to assume that with a little wishful thinking, I was probably jumping to conclusions about what had been going on there, if it wasn't for what happened after classes got out for the day.

Learning How to Wait-Probably an Essential Skill

The next day was Friday, and I didn't see W even once all day, which was fairly unusual, so I would have to wait until after the weekend.  That evening, while I was helping my Mom make dinner, she asked in her teasing way, "So, are you going to find a cute girl to ask to the dance?"  My normal answer is a sarcastic "right," and to roll my eyes.  Instead I just dropped an "I already did," and ducked out of the room.  My recollection is that she was peeling carrots, and I heard her drop both the peeler and the carrot into the sink as she stared at me walking away.  Obviously I had to eventually provide more details, and she was convinced that I needed an answer before Monday, in order to prepare.  I called W's house, but she wasn't home.  So I had in interesting chat with her dad instead.  Talk about being out of my depth, and I still didn't have an answer.

I had received my first real compound bow for Christmas the previous month, and it got a lot of use that weekend.  I spent hours out in the field, shooting a single arrow into my haystack, and then retrieving it (aka deep in thought).  That got me nowhere, but it was all I could do at that point.  I probably prayed about it a lot, but I am not even sure what I was praying for.  I am not sure if I was more nervous about her saying "no," or the ramifications of her saying "yes."

I finally managed to catch-up with W right before classes started on Monday morning.  I only remember the results of that conversation as well, as opposed to exactly what was said.  I guess her cousin had been trying to set her up with someone, and that had come through, so I was out of luck.  I don't recall that being the reason for the original "Maybe," but I am willing to take her word for it.  It was both a crushing blow, and a giant relief.  I had been rejected, but no longer had to worry about the answers to all of those logistical issues that would have arisen.

I had Calculus later that day, and the topic came up with my classmate of course.  "So are you going to find a girl to ask to the dance?"  "I did, she said No."  "Oh yeah, sure you did.  You're full of ****."  And he turned back to his assignment.  The girl sitting behind us, who had heard our earlier conversations, asked: "Wait a minute, you're not kidding.  That really happened, didn't it?"  Shrug and a nod.  The horrified look on her face was actually encouraging; at least someone understood.

I did end up going to that dance anyway, alone.  From a practical perspective, I realized I needed to have a better idea of what that would entail, before I contemplated trying to invite someone to one again.  I basically did nothing but stand in the corner with a couple of other people I knew, but I got to see "what the big deal was," if you could call it that.  I have absolutely zero inherent interest in dances (or dancing), but it was the only context that I could imagine exploring serious guy-girl relationships at that point in life.  That situation was also probably a key motivation in getting my drivers license.  I'd had my permit for nearly a year by then, and had put off getting my license to avoid an increase in my parents insurance.  But I wanted a "potential solution" available if I found myself in that position in the future.

One Small Step For (A) Man, One Giant Leap Without Looking

Low and behold, when I walked into that classroom after lunch, W was sitting with her friends, right outside.  That wasn't exactly uncommon, so hardly a miracle.  While I was staring out the window at her, trying to decide what to do, I thought: "Alright God, that's great and all, but there is no way I am going to do it with so many other people around."  The instant that thought went through my mind, every single other person at the table turned, grabbed their backpacks, and headed off to class, leaving her sitting there alone.

"Okay, Okay God, I get it."  So I took a deep breath, headed out the door...and walked right past her.  What can I say?  It suddenly seemed like a good time to get a drink of water.  So there I am, at the drinking fountain, kicking myself mentally.  I took another deep breath, and headed back the other way.

I remember sitting down next to her, and I know that I was there talking with her for two or three minutes, but the details of what exactly was said were wiped from my memory immediately.  It was by far the most emotionally stressful thing I have ever done.  I could feel every vein and muscle in my body for the next hour or two, as hormones and adrenaline surged through me.  I haven't felt anything like that, that strongly, ever again.  Even as I was walking back into the classroom, asking myself "what just happened?" the details had already faded.  I did know that the answer was "Maybe," which was better than no.  She was nice in her response, and I remembered her saying something about maybe having to work that night, but most of the other specifics were already lost by the time I stood up.  That is really unusual for me, in that normally I can remember most conversations I have had verbatim, even months or years later.  And of all of the conversations that I could be playing back in my head hundreds of times, that one would have been on repeat for a long time.  I have experienced a milder form of memory block like that (which I believe other people might call "normal") in similar types of situations that have occurred since then, but nothing that extreme.

I was a bit distracted for the rest of that class period, to say the least, but luckily I do fine in that class, so it wasn't an issue.  As soon as school got out at the end of the period, I headed to the Multimedia Lab, "my" space, to decompress a bit.  Steve and the girl he was with walked in almost immediately.  He could tell something was off, so he asked me what was up.  As I tried to figure out how to respond to that question, having never even talked about things like that before, the girl beat me to the punch.  Girls must have a sixth sense, to know things like this, but she totally called it.  "I bet he just asked someone to the dance."  I kind of shrugged and smiled.  "Who was it?"  I told him, and he asked "What did she say?"  "Maybe."  "Well, cool dude, catch you later."  And he disappeared out the door.  Heart to heart guy talks...solid.

I was pretty stressed for the rest of the day.  When I got home, I went out to the shed, and built something, just to have a distraction, and to process things.  I didn't tell anyone else, and just waited to see what happened.  As someone who rarely acts impulsively, and always has a backup plan for his backup plan, I was in an interesting situation.  I had just asked a girl to a dance, but I had never even been to a dance, or really knew what one was like.  I didn't have my license (that happened the following month) or a car, or any other solutions to the myriad of practical details that would present themselves.  Not my normal method of operation, to say the least.

Making Life Complicated

Over the course of that first semester of Junior year, I developed a pretty strong interest in a particular girl.  She had been in half my classes as a freshman, and we used to take the same bus home.  Junior year, she was hanging out with my friends in Thunderpaw a lot, specifically waiting for a ride home after school from one of them on a daily basis.  Anyone who knew us could probably identify her from this story, but I don't think anyone in my current audience fits into that category.  Regardless, for the sake of some semblance of anonymity, I will refer to her simply as W.

In an amusing story, as a prequel of sorts, she is one of two girls that one of my friends ended up asking to the Fall Homecoming Dance that year.  (The situations that people get themselves into in High School;)  I would have been happy to help him out of his predicament by taking her off his hands, but I had never done anything in that social realm before, so I never even suggested it, although I listened to him labor over the situation for quite a while.  He did end up going with her, and I don't know what happened to the other girl.

For that entire fall semester, she hung out with my friends in the Multimedia lab after school.  She was by no means hanging out with ME, but we did talk occasionally during those times, and I got to know her a bit. (Probably more than any other girl I knew at the time, but that's not saying much)  When we returned from Christmas break, she had gotten her own car, and no longer hung out waiting for a ride everyday, so I saw her a lot less.

It is interesting looking back to see what other events affected my emotional state at that point.  I sustained two separate injuries the day after New Years, a good knock to the head fromm falling down the stairs, and then a slide tackle during indoor soccer that night that basically burned the flesh off my right hip.  Those two events were the first time I had cried out in pain in seven years.  I didn't all out "cry," but I definitely let myself have a vocal reaction to sudden unexpected pain.  I believe those physical events had some effect on the magnitude of my emotions over the following weeks, like the first splashes of water that start eroding a dam at its breaking point.

Not seeing W as much when we got back to school, I definitely "missed" her more than I would have expected.  All of the feelings related to that, got a whole lot stronger all of a sudden.  A few more outside factors combined to give me an added "push" in that direction, around my 17th birthday.  I used to sit next to the quarterback for the football team in Calculus.  My birthday fell about a week and a half before the Winter Homecoming dance, so that led to a conversation about how I had never asked a girl on a date.  So his solution was, "you are going to find a girl, and ask her to the dance."  Well, there wasn't any question in my mind about who that would be; it was only a matter of "could I actually do that?"  And if so, "how?"  Of course, he was half teasing me about this, and as the QB, he had a slightly different perception of girls, and interacting with them, than I did.  But something I heard a few years later, that I have observed to be true, is that "talking about things makes them more real" than when you are just thinking about them.  So I am sure that conversation had an impact on transitioning from just thinking about it, to actually doing something.

So I prayed about it that night, and decided to try to do it, if the opportunity arose.  I don’t think I even saw W the next day, let alone in a situation where I could talk to her.  I realized when praying about it again that following night, that there was only one way that I could imagine actually being able to make it happen.  In order to actually do something like that, I would need the time to summon up the courage and prepare, in a situation that I was familiar with.  W frequently sat on a table outside my 6th block class right after lunch, and the classroom had mirrored windows, so you couldn't see inside.  So my prayer that night was: "God, if this is something I should do, then I need her to be sitting out there after lunch tomorrow, for long enough for me to prepare and do it."

This begs the question: "why would God care about making that happen?"  Well God created relationships, intimacy, and marriage, among many other things.  Now regardless of how significant it may seem at the time, who you go with to a high school dance isn't that important in the grand scheme of things.  But who you develop relationships with will have a significant impact on your growth in every different aspect of life, and I do believe God is pretty interested in who we are growing into being.  So I will keep praying to God for guidance in regards to developing relationships.

Finding my Stride

By Junior year, I finally got a handle on High School and began to find my place.  It was no longer something I was just surviving.  On paper, I had a very difficult schedule that year.  The school was structured so that we had half our classes on one day, and other half the next, giving us three two hour blocks of class.  The way my schedule worked out, I had Pre-Calc, Calculus, and Physics in one long "math day."  The calculus teacher wanted me to try to take those first two classes concurrently, to demonstrate that they weren't articulated as much as they should be. (That they didn't build off each other)  The physics class was taught by another math teacher, in his first year teaching that class, so we did very little practical experimentation, and a whole lot of theoretical computation.  Ironically' based on my strengths in that area, that was my "easy day."  The other day was Honors English, Honors US History, and Multimedia (which was my only "fun class," although that doesn't mean it was easy).  Those classes are the ones that actually resulted in homework and assignments that I couldn't just finish during class.

The Thunderpaw Multimedia class gave me something to do after school, and a consistent group of people to work with.  It was a student led class, with a teacher who was fairly hands off, supervising the process more than teaching at all, which worked in the innovative environment that he had cultivated within that organization.  Most all of the members of that class were hand picked as self motivated individuals, and the system resulted in a tremendously productive organization for its size.  The class was led by a number of "managers" who were skilled in different areas like video editing, graphic design, and web development.

I was initially assigned to the Live Broadcast division, which was managed by Steve, who became my closest friend in high school by the time we graduated.  I totally re-engineered the system that we used to shoot the schools football and basketball games.  Ironically this didn't actually directly involve "computers" back then as much as it would now, and our system was mostly composed of re-purposed linear editing hardware.

Do to that role, I ended up going to a lot more sporting events and being much more involved in other school activities that year.  Even though I wasn't officially involved with student government that year, I helped Steve bring the Student Body Spirit Rally's to a whole new level.  And somehow I also got involved with helping put on the school dances, due to my knowledge of sound systems, but that is a longer story.

Outside of school, the highlight of the previous summer was learning how to sail small boats at Scout camp.  I got to go on a 50-Mile backpacking trip in New Mexico for two weeks at Philmont the following year, which was quite an adventure.  I made the transition to indoor soccer, which I continued playing, in various capacities, through the end of college.  I also worked as a soccer referee, which was my primary source of income throughout High School.

Technology in High School

My second year of High School presented a very different set of challenges than the first, but was still pretty rough compared to the last two, by which time I had "figured things out."  I tried out for the soccer team that fall, since that had always been my sport of choice, but had to drop out because I got really sick the week before school started.  I had done a week-long 50 Mile backpacking trip with Scouts that summer, and that pushed something out of balance in my body.  That whole year I ended up getting bloody noses on a daily basis, which was inconvenient, to say the least.

My "fun" class for the year was "Building Computers," which didn't really have much in the way of curriculum, but provided the resources to learn, by combining the most tech savvy students, in a classroom full of computer hardware to play with.  I learned more from the others in the class than I did from the teacher, and we played a lot of games as well, but once again, I know it was helpful in preparing me for where I am today.

As a random side note, the teacher from that class, who was also one of the Ski Team coaches, got indicted for sexual abuse a couple months ago, for incidents that allegedly took place around the time period that I was at school there.  I never saw any sign of that at the time, but looking back I can recognize that I was much more distant with him than I naturally would have expected to be, since we had fairly common interests (computers and skiing).  I will chalk that up to God looking out for me.

That class also prepared me to building my own computer, which I did halfway through that year.  That was the biggest expense of my life up to that point. (Although ski team was a close second from the year before)  That computer got me well situated me for my next step, which I really didn't see coming.  Colfax had a Multimedia program called Thunderpaw, which was a student run company within the school.  They produced the school clothing line, an online store, and a coffee shop at sporting events, as well as a variety of video and print projects.  While that would seem like an obvious fit for me, most of the people in the program were a bit "artsy" for my tastes, so I had no interest joining it for the first two years.

Then in April, there was an anti-drunk driving program put on at the school, called Every 15 Minutes.  They staged a car accident in the stadium, and demonstrated the entire process that took place at the scene of a major accident, to the students who were in the stands.  They continued the re-creation off property, at the hospital and morgue, as well as parents houses.  This was all filmed by the Multimedia class, edited overnight, and shown at an assembly the next day.  I was impressed with the scope of the project, and what they had been able to put off in such a short time, with the logistics that were entailed.  So that prompted me to sign up for the class my junior year, which became the dress rehearsal for what I now do for a living, as well as my primary social environment for the rest of High School.

The Real Presence of Good and Evil in the World

Anyone who doubts the real presence of evil in the world, (as a distinct force, and not just the absence of good or charity) needs only to look in the news.  Some would claim that the similarities between violent shooting sprees are the effect of disturbed individuals copying each other.  I would beg to differ for a variety on reasons, including the timing of this incident.  The story below is based mostly on second-hand information, about things that I can't verify.  The incident is more important in this context for the questions it raised than for the potential outcome that was adverted.

One of the few people I knew going into high school had some pretty strange friends, who I got to know from hanging out with him.  They in turn knew some even stranger people, who would occasionally end up each lunch at the same table, or things like that.  There are just some people I wouldn't go out of my way to associate with, because I find it hard to relate to their choices.  High school can be a rough transition, and people find a variety of approaches to fit into the new environment.  So there was this one guy, trying to look tough in this leather biker attire, with skulls and such.  It looked ridiculous, because he was a scrawny little kid underneath.  We talked a couple of times over lunch and we took the same bus, and he definitely made me uncomfortable, but I was polite enough to passively converse, or at least listen.  He definitely had trouble fitting in, which got worse as the year progressed.

In April I guess he started making violent threats, but I didn't hear about that until later.  Many of the people he was threatening were those "mutual friends" that I had met him through.  My understanding of the story is that it had happened enough over a couple weeks for the school administration to know about it, but nothing had been done in response, besides possibly talking to him.

And then Columbine happened.  So then they followed up on those threats, and it was discovered that he wasn't just bluffing, but had been stockpiling a collection of weapons and ammo.  I heard they came and arrested him during class, and needless to say, we never saw him at school again.

I have always been conscious of the fact that the tragedy at Columbine probably prevented me from having to experience something similar.  In college, I became friends with a girl who was there that day, but I never told her about that connection, since I wasn't sure where that fell on the sensitivity scale.  ("You went through something intensely traumatic, but on the positive side, it prevented it from happening somewhere else.")  I have no idea how that would be received, so I just never went there.

But that incident caused me to think a lot about what I would do in a situation like that.  I eventually came to the realization that I feared lacking courage more than I feared dying, in a situation like that.  That is what got me past an obsessive fear of mortality that had plagued me for years.  For a long time, I heard very little about any reactions in those situations besides panic and fleeing, which was discouraging.  Does everyone else have the same over-riding fear of death that I had until age 14?  In the recent shooting in Aurora, there were a number of stories of guys who died protecting those around them, which gives me a bit more faith in the human race.  I hope that I would be able to react in a way that, at the very least, makes the situation better, and not worse.  If I can bring it to a conclusion, so much the better.