In the traditional approach to finding a potential spouse, the girl is supposed to be looking for a strong, dominant guy who can take care of her and protect her. I hear it complained about a lot that those guys are hard to find, and that none of them "step up to the plate" to pursue a woman. The only ones who do aggressively pursue women, are the shallow ones who are just looking for sex. For a long time I have argued that this is due to the fact that most girls turn all of the "decent" guys down, which decreases their motivation to keep trying. Also, most of the decent guys are responding to societies demand to temper "strong masculinity" in the name of reducing violence and being more sensitive. And I see the church just further perpetuating that issue.
But I have a new theory to explain that phenomenon, not that the old one was wrong, just that it wasn't sufficient to explain the full magnitude of the problem. If the most effective way to make a male more submissive is to withhold sex from him. Technically, from the world of domesticated animals, we can see that the MOST effective method is a bit more permanent, but luckily society has not gone that far yet in its crusade against masculinity. But there are tons of secular books out there about how women can take control of the men in their relationships, and make them more submissive to their wife's desires, by withholding sex from them. This idea is common knowledge, and in the church it is opposed by the idea that sex shouldn't be used as a "tool" in marriage. But no one is denying that approach works as advertised.
But what does that say about the traditional approach to premarital sex, as it is applied to our current society? It appears that the church is using the same principle on a much broader scale. This becomes a problem when you factor in that now days, people aren't usually getting married until they are close to 30. Part of this is because we have added so many steps to the process of growing up (like college), partially because women are encouraged to have a career before getting married and having kids, and because that makes them less desperate to find a husband. Giving women more independence is not necessarily a bad thing, but total independence from each other is bad for either gender. "It is not good for man to be alone." The result is that, especially in the church, there are a bunch of available males who have had their strength and resolve weakened by years of waiting. Ignoring certain desires does weaken them over time. That is the whole premise behind resisting temptation.
Now if we add on top of this the fact that a normal engagement takes place over years, based on the number of extra steps we have added to marriage, and there is no foreseeable return on energy invested. The only immediate return one will see is if he is getting his girlfriend to sleep with him right away. And that is why usually the only strong guys that girls find themselves aggressively pursued by, are ones all the other guys know are slime-balls who are just trying to sleep with them. And because every decent guy recognizes that trend, even though many females are blind to it, none of the respectable guys want to be seen by their piers as “on of those players,” so their pursuit of a girl will not be nearly as aggressive or flattering. The end result is that the situation appears hopeless, and that both sides have all but given up, just hoping for a miracle to fall into their lap, as the only way to break the impasse. And that is probably not a health approach to developing a serious relationship, even on the rare occasion that it actually works.
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