I am someone who has a number of different things to be "proud of." This has led me to be concerned that I may find myself falling into the trap of pride, as described repeatedly in the Bible. Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. (Proverbs 16:18) But the type of pride being discussed in verses like that in the Bible, are related to the belief that some people are intrinsically superior to others, and a need to prove to oneself and others that one is a member of that superior group.
"Lust may drive a man to sleep with a beautiful woman - but at least lust makes him want HER. Pride drives a man to sleep with a beautiful woman just to prove he can do it and to prove he can do it above the others." This quote is from a book I read by Timothy Keller. I had to read it a few times for it to really sink in, and for me to recognize the significance of it. As someone who can definitely relate to the issue of being motivated by lust, I had previously assumed that is what motivated a variety of other actions I had observed but didn't understand. Not only can I not relate to the issue of pride as he described it, I had never even dreamed that other people thought that way.
But after reading that, and thinking about it, I have concluded that he must be right. It explains so many behaviors that had previously been a mystery to me. The primary one being the pattern of a guy sleeping with a girl and then never speaking to her again. In my mind, if I was going to ignore my moral and ethical boundaries, once I got a girl to sleep with me, I would keep coming back for more, as much and as long as possible. Because the need I would be meeting is a biological and emotional one, for release of sexual tension and lustful thoughts. People who follow the opposite pattern are trying to meet a totally different need, looking to feel significant or valuable. They do this by trying to prove that they are more valuable than someone else. When a guy with this attitude convinces a girl to sleeps with him, it makes him feel more valuable than her, which is what he is looking for, as it validates what he is insecure about. On the flip side, this can make the girl feel less valuable as a result of that exchange, which explains another phenomenon that I never understood.
There is a strong conception that the girl will frequently regret sleeping with a guy by the next morning, especially if he is never heard from again. I always assumed that this pattern was based either on the fact that inconsiderate guys don't make sure the girl's physical needs are met as well, or feelings of guilt over the ethics of premarital sex. I now recognize that many girls who put themselves in that scenario on a regular basis DO get their physical needs met, and are not concerned about the ethics of it at all. I have definitely observed the "walk of shame" on weekend mornings in Hollywood. But because the girl is "giving IT up" for the guy, and the guy is "taking" them, they feel like they are being used up in some way. I bet most of them couldn't even identify what it is, but I am going to describe it as self-respect and dignity.
Self-respect is similar to pride, but without the negative connotation. So people with a pride issue try to augment themselves, by sapping the self-respect or dignity of others. The same principle is at work when a schoolyard bully starts a fight. Forcing your will on another saps their dignity, and builds up the perpetrator’s pride in himself. Doing it to someone in the bedroom is just a more extreme method, and the victim is in a much more vulnerable position. This would also explain motivations for sexual assault by perpetrators who have other options available to them for sexual release. It is not about biological urges nearly so much as emptiness they are trying to feel with significance. That emptiness is only supposed to be filled by God, who is whom we are supposed to "get" our significance from, not by taking it from someone else. To some, who have a better inherent understanding of other people, this all may be obvious. But as someone who frequently doesn't understand why other people do things, it is a pretty big epiphany.
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