Choosing Family

Family is an interesting concept to think about.  We all use the word all of the time, but do we really stop to think about what it means?  With two notable exceptions, we don't get to choose our family; that is determined for us.  Family members are usually related by blood, and therefore have much in common with each other.  There is a big difference between being "like-family" and being "family."  You can be as close or intimate as a family member, but no other relationship will have the same irrevocable longevity.  Friendships rise and fall, but family relationships will in some degree last forever.  Nothing can be done to change the fact that two people are related to each other.  It is in their DNA, part of who they are, down to the last cell.

The only time that family members are "added" without being genetically related is through adoption or marriage.  Both of those are very significant relationships, designed to be as permanent and significant as genetic family relationships.  In the case of marriage, this permanence seems to be breaking down in our culture, with over half of marriages being temporal relationships that come to an end.

Adding someone to an existing family is an interesting process, which I have had very little experience with.  Most of my aunts and uncles were married before I was born, and almost none of my cousins have married yet.  So I have rarely had to accept someone new into my family.  The one cousin who has married, eloped in Vegas, presumably to avoid much of the pressure that might be experienced in my family, from the process of adding a new member.  He says it was the best decision he ever made, but I don't see myself taking the same approach anytime soon.

Dating is basically examining the possibility of adding someone new to your family.  This affects both the one dating, and the rest of their existing family.  Now, other family members don't have control over that relationship, and rightfully so.  But decisions made in that regard reflect on and affect the rest of the family, just like every other decision we make.  So others should be honored in the decisions that we make in that regard, which usually includes listening to their input, especially since it is healthy to get an outside perspective in those cases.

My mom started dating her old high school boyfriend after my parents split up.  That felt strange to me on a number of levels.  Your parents dating anyone is automatically uncomfortable.  The fact that her whole family already knew him from way back was strange, so he was only "new" to me.  And the fact that they unsuccessfully tried to keep that whole relationship on the down low didn't exactly build trust.  My dad has dated a variety of people as well, and I doubt I will ever get used to the idea.  My brother has a long record in that regard, but the idea of him dating is to be expected, although we go about that in very different ways.  It kind of blows my mind how different our experiences are in that regard.

For a variety of reasons, my family members are definitely not the first people I talk with about dating or relationships.  We have very different values and perspectives on those types of relationships, so I have usually avoided discussing that subject with them unless directly asked.  Not that it's wrong to do, I am just not comfortable with it.  But at a certain level, I kind of look forward to the idea of adding someone to my family, someone who is my deliberate choice to include in that family.  But I have to be ready to become part of their family, and of course they have to be willing to be part of my family.