Accommodating Others vs Ones Own Needs

There is an interesting balance of power in any relationship, between getting one's own needs met, and accommodating the other person's needs.  In the traditional male/female relationship, the male is "supposed to" be the leader, while the female supports him in that role.  Regardless of whether you agree with these traditional gender roles, there are obvious potential issues when it comes to implementing them.  There will inevitably be conflict in any relationship, since humans are imperfect.  Much of the conflict will be about whom controls the relationship, which was spoken of in the Garden of Eden, "you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you" (Genesis 3:16b).  That desire for control in our relationships is easy to see today, the question is how to handle the conflicts that tension creates.

In the Old Testament mindset, the leader was served by those around him.  But we see Jesus reversed that balance of power, declaring that "whoever would be first among you, shall be servant of all" (Mark 10:44).  So the leader should be ensuring that the needs of the followers are being met.  But where do the leader's needs fit into the picture?

I read something interesting recently, that provides an interesting illustration of the power dynamic in a relationship.  There was some female claiming that she knew she could control the relationship she had with her boyfriend when she got him to let her drive instead of him.  Reading that brought me to a pause.  I had been conscious, even before reading that, of times I had let girls drive.  I was aware that when I am in the passenger seat, I am surrendering some level of control.  I didn't like it, but I accepted it as a necessary concession, since males can be a lot more threatening than females.

Guys don't go around worrying about things like rape, because they usually possess a level of physical strength that will protect them in most situations.  Girls rarely have that in their favor, and are therefore more vulnerable.  I deliberately try not to be intimidating in any way when dealing with females, as I figure that helps build trust more effectively.  So I cede a certain level of control to them, to make them more comfortable.  But I am beginning to question whether or not that is a wise approach.

I have long been aware that girls are attracted to confidence, but there is a fine line between that and arrogance.  Arrogance is portrayed in a very negative light in the Bible, so I try to avoid being perceived that way at all.  I have female friends who tell me they are "intrigued" when a guy takes control, and isn't too concerned about their preferences, which is hard for me to relate to.  "Choices are stressful," I was told, and while that is true, it’s not a good reason to avoid them.  Some females seem to be looking for someone to control them, if that will release them from responsibility for themselves, something I would never consider giving up.

One of my favorite quotes about the challenge in relationships is "guys are looking for a good girl who will be bad just for them, while girls are looking for a bad guy, who will be good just for them."  I can easily see the general truth in that statement, but it is still impossible for me to really understand the female perspective that leads there.