I have had quite the intense series of experiences, since my last post about vulnerability. I am very much in favor of vulnerability on paper, but experiencing it isn't always how I imagine when writing about it. The title was "The Power of Vulnerability," and it should be remembered that things which are powerful are inherently dangerous. Dangerous things should be handled with care, and deliberate precision to avoid hurting someone. So I usually experiment with vulnerability in very controlled circumstances. I had an experience that was very counter to that approach, later that day. And exactly as I had written, I saw that I had the opportunity to withdraw from the situation, but chose not to, after a pause to recognize that fact. Vulnerability can not be forced upon someone no matter how crazy or unexpected the circumstances. I don't regret that approach to the situation I was confronted with, but it definitely wasn't easy.
I am pretty well known for being very blunt and direct. Most of my friends can handle that kind of objectivity pretty well, because if they couldn't, we wouldn't still be friends. The best example of this, is probably something I told a friend a few months back when she was struggling with an issue that affected her physical appearance. "You're very physically attractive, so occasional bouts of ugliness could be a good thing, to help you identify who really cares about you, and values who you are on the inside." (And we are still friends, believe it or not.) So with this in mind, I was somewhat surprised to realize the degree to which I have not been direct in one particular situation over the last year. In an effort to avoid being offensive or threatening in any way, I had been going in the opposite direction to an unhealthy degree. I am seeing the negative results of that happening, so I don't expect to make that mistake again anytime soon.
I think I am pretty good at dealing with rejection. (That comes from having lots of experience;) But I got to experience rejection from the opposite side for the first time last week. It was a fairly minor situation, and even then was much harder than I would have expected. I don't fully understand why it is that challenging, especially with someone you hardly know, but I am sure the issue is magnified, the closer you are to the person in question. This leads to the issue of leaving a door open, to soften the impact. Ironically this is something I did last week, without even being conscious of it, and for no real good reason. So I can now understand the temptation to do so in even tougher situations, but the results are probably rarely good. Without having some first hand experience from that perspective, nothing I was told, or read in books, would have really conveyed that level of understanding.
I also frequently tell people, "I would rather have the hard truth that be living a lie." That is another concept that has recently been illustrated to me as a solid reality. I am still confident that it is wise and true, but not always easy. Still, in the long run the benefits will outweigh initial pain.
Hope and attraction are not the same thing. They are distinctly different emotions, and both very powerful motivators, but they don't have to be inherently tied together. I was aware of what is looked like to have one without the other, but not the reverse. There are a number of people in the past who I have been attracted to, that my better judgment told me were not individuals with whom it would be wise to pursue a closer relationship with. So I didn't hope to do so, but that didn't affect the reality that, I at some level found them attractive. That is the more obvious form, but is the reverse possible? I am not sure, but I am aware of the power of hope. And as is the case with vulnerability, that power can be dangerous if not handled with care.
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