Last week I visited a Bible Study group that was studying the book The Five Love Languages. Unbeknownst to me, the group was composed entirely of married couples, making this a more applicable subject for them than me. Regardless, I happened to find that book on my Mom's shelf the day before I attended, so I was familiar with the subject by the time I showed up.
Attending the event itself served as a good reminder that marriage is not the idyllic dream that many single people subconsciously view it as. I first got introduced to that idea at a Bible Study in LA that I attended in 07-08, which I label "The Realities of Marriage." I got a peek under the hood at a number of new marriages, and was pretty shocked at the amount of conflict I discovered. This was followed by transitioning to a different community group in the same church in 09-10, where the couples were starting to have babies, which taught me "The Realities of having Children."
Filling out the love languages survey that evening didn't reveal any huge surprises about myself. My primary "language" is Quality Time, with Physical Touch not far behind. For a long time I have tried to reconcile the idea of touch being how I wanted a partner to express her love to me, with the fact that I usually avoid letting people touch me at all. But I guess there is some logic to that, if one takes the perspective that I consider touch to be fairly intimate, and am not ready to share that with most others. Growing up attending a Catholic church, I was always apprehensive about the "sharing of the peace" which was entirely composed of shaking hands with strangers. And this came directly after the "Our Father" where everyone held hands. But I also wasn't big on hugging until the congregation I attended in college forcibly battered down that wall in my life with their after-service customs. I eventually came to understand that can be an important part of connecting with other people, or being part of a community.
One interesting thing that has occurred to me in reading that book, is that some of these languages are inherently reciprocal, while others are not. Good luck touching someone without them touching you at the same time, and it is difficult to spend time with someone, without them spending time with you. So if both partners share that "language," they will both be getting their emotional needs met by the same event, and the more one meets the needs of their partner, the more their needs are getting met automatically. With gifts on the other hand, it is quite possible for that to be a one way street, with nothing coming back, even if both partners value that language. The same is true for acts of service and words of affirmation. In those cases, the emotional support flows in each direction completely independently.
I thought that was a pretty profound observation when it came to me during the meeting, but no one else seemed particularly impressed. I realized that my perspective was exactly the opposite of theirs, in that they are committed to a particular partner at this point, and have to figure out how to make that work. So it doesn't matter if some possible combination would be optimal, they are only focused on how to best deal with the combination in their own marriage. I on the other hand, am still trying to find a suitable partner, so the idea that certain languages are more compatible or reciprocal is relevant. Since both time and touch are inherently reciprocal, I guess all I need to do now, is find someone who "speaks my language."
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