The Possibility of Not Coming Back

I have had a number of unusual and somewhat awkward conversations in the course of making preparations for my trip to Europe.  It is always strange to discuss the possibility of your own death, which has been a topic recently.  The trip that I am about to embark on is no more dangerous than my usual ones.  Actually, it is probably much less so, since I won't be filming military exercises or working at heights.  The difference this time is that all of my immediate family is with me, so if we all fall victim to the same tragic incident, there will be no one left back home to "take care of things."

So I have had to talk with a couple different people about what should happen in that extremely unlikely eventuality.  Most of the details of those arrangements I am not comfortable talking directly about with anyone, even those involved, for a variety of reasons, including the overwhelmingly likely possibility of my safe return.  So instead, after giving each individual a general heads up about the existence of the issue, I wrote a series of letters to different people, to be found and sent if that situation arises.

That combined with creating and signing a will for the first time in my life was kind of a strange experience as well, since that is not something you can do in private, but requires numerous witnesses.  Anyhow, I have done it, and in such a way that I shouldn't need to revisit the issue for a long time, at least not until I get married.

The tricky part is to set things up in such a way that accounts for both the possibility of an individual issue, or one that affects the rest of my family.  Lean too far towards assuming one scenario, and the other will not be sufficiently accounted for.  Not that you can ever really fully prepare for things like this anyway, only God can.

So tomorrow I will be on my way to Europe, on my first international adventure.  Lord willing, I will return in two weeks.  (But if I am destined to die in a plane crash on this trip, given the preference, I would like it to be on the way back;)

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

I have had quite the intense series of experiences, since my last post about vulnerability.  I am very much in favor of vulnerability on paper, but experiencing it isn't always how I imagine when writing about it.  The title was "The Power of Vulnerability," and it should be remembered that things which are powerful are inherently dangerous.  Dangerous things should be handled with care, and deliberate precision to avoid hurting someone.  So I usually experiment with vulnerability in very controlled circumstances.  I had an experience that was very counter to that approach, later that day.  And exactly as I had written, I saw that I had the opportunity to withdraw from the situation, but chose not to, after a pause to recognize that fact.  Vulnerability can not be forced upon someone no matter how crazy or unexpected the circumstances.  I don't regret that approach to the situation I was confronted with, but it definitely wasn't easy.

I am pretty well known for being very blunt and direct.  Most of my friends can handle that kind of objectivity pretty well, because if they couldn't, we wouldn't still be friends.  The best example of this, is probably something I told a friend a few months back when she was struggling with an issue that affected her physical appearance.  "You're very physically attractive, so occasional bouts of ugliness could be a good thing, to help you identify who really cares about you, and values who you are on the inside."  (And we are still friends, believe it or not.)  So with this in mind, I was somewhat surprised to realize the degree to which I have not been direct in one particular situation over the last year.  In an effort to avoid being offensive or threatening in any way, I had been going in the opposite direction to an unhealthy degree.  I am seeing the negative results of that happening, so I don't expect to make that mistake again anytime soon.

I think I am pretty good at dealing with rejection.  (That comes from having lots of experience;)  But I got to experience rejection from the opposite side for the first time last week.  It was a fairly minor situation, and even then was much harder than I would have expected.  I don't fully understand why it is that challenging, especially with someone you hardly know, but I am sure the issue is magnified, the closer you are to the person in question.  This leads to the issue of leaving a door open, to soften the impact.  Ironically this is something I did last week, without even being conscious of it, and for no real good reason.  So I can now understand the temptation to do so in even tougher situations, but the results are probably rarely good.  Without having some first hand experience from that perspective, nothing I was told, or read in books, would have really conveyed that level of understanding.

I also frequently tell people, "I would rather have the hard truth that be living a lie."  That is another concept that has recently been illustrated to me as a solid reality.  I am still confident that it is wise and true, but not always easy.  Still, in the long run the benefits will outweigh initial pain.

Hope and attraction are not the same thing.  They are distinctly different emotions, and both very powerful motivators, but they don't have to be inherently tied together.  I was aware of what is looked like to have one without the other, but not the reverse.  There are a number of people in the past who I have been attracted to, that my better judgment told me were not individuals with whom it would be wise to pursue a closer relationship with.  So I didn't hope to do so, but that didn't affect the reality that, I at some level found them attractive.  That is the more obvious form, but is the reverse possible?  I am not sure, but I am aware of the power of hope.  And as is the case with vulnerability, that power can be dangerous if not handled with care.

The Power of Vulnerability

I have just watched an interesting series of TED talks by Brené Brown.  She studies vulnerability, which seems like a pretty esoteric job, but she makes some interesting points, that I can relate to.  This has provided an unexpected segue from my recent topic of privacy, to the next set I have been preparing.

The opposite of privacy is vulnerability.  Privacy is keeping people out of our lives, while vulnerability is letting them in.  Keeping people out, to prevent them from hurting us, also prevents them from helping us.  Letting them in is to risk rejection, but the potential rewards are great.  The only way we are going to develop deep connections with other people, is by being willing to let them in, to reveal our true selves, and be vulnerable to them.  This desire for deep connection with others is part of how God designed us as humans, to connect both with him and each other.  So what makes it so difficult to let ourselves feel vulnerable?  It would appear to be shame that hinders the process.  Shame gives us a fear of disconnection from others, based on judgment of our own imperfections and weaknesses.

"Vulnerability is not weakness…it is our most accurate measurement of courage." (Brené Brown)  Being vulnerable requires courage, and won't exist without it.  While external situations can weaken us, they cannot force us to be vulnerable against our will.  The alternative of building up walls is always an available reaction to situations where we find ourselves in a position of weakness.  Those walls eventually imprison us, cutting us off from connecting with those around us.  The only way to counter these walls built of fear and shame is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability comes in many forms.  Some forms are obvious, like the process of pursuing romantic relationships, while others are more subtle, like sharing creative ideas at work.  I have a very interesting track record in that regard, being well known in my industry for my technical innovation and expertise, I still shy away from offering my opinion on "creative" issues.  The value of what I say in the technical realm is measured against how true it turns out to be.  The value of what I say in the realm of creative ideas is measured against how much other people like my ideas.  You have to be willing to be wrong in order to venture into the creative realm.  While it is possible to be wrong about technical issues, the smarter and more experienced you are, the less that will happen.  With creative issues, not everyone is going to like your ideas, no matter how "good" they are.  So you have to be prepared to accept criticism if you are going to step into that realm.  Being prepared to accept criticism is clearly a manifestation of vulnerability, and I am aware that I steer well clear of offering creative ideas, and for that reason.

Being willing to try new things requires vulnerability as well.  We run the risk of discomfort or failure whenever we try something new.  If we are unwilling to accept that risk, we will never be able to grow or change.  Being willing to step out of our comfort zone is a prerequisite for growth, but that requires a willingness to be vulnerable.  So if allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is instrumental to our growth, how do we do that?  I am sure there are many answers, but being more open with others is a good first step.  And how does one go about doing that, when it can be so uncomfortable?  One deliberate way is to let others see our thoughts and feelings, which is what I have been trying to do on here.

To be the US President...or Not

When I was younger, I had a desire to become the US President.  Best I can figure, the only reason I had any interest in that, is because of the power in entailed.  I had a fear of a variety of potential global issues, and I thought that was the only way to gain control over them.  For example, if the Anti-Christ showed up, I would just send the Navy SEALS after him.  Part of it was a fear of government control, after reading about things the Nazi's did and such.  Being in charge would be an effective way of ensuring that the government didn't overstep its bounds. (Ironically, the government controls the life of the President in more detail than any other person in the country.)

In case it is not obvious, I will not become the US President, at least not in this lifetime.  Even if I wanted to, the media does a pretty thorough investigation of potential candidates, and I believe no one would make it that far without a few things to hide.  I have very few of those potential issues in my past, but I am unwilling to hide those things that are there.  Some are actually sinful, while others are merely politically incorrect.

Shortly after my arrival at a conservative Baptist Camp during my last trip, the dinner conversation turned towards the possibility of overt miracles and healing.  I voiced my opinion that they are not only possible, but happen more frequently than most people recognize.  Asked if I had ever seen one, I answered "not overt things like that," thinking primarily in terms of healing.  It later occurred to me that that statement wasn't technically true, and while I wanted to address that oversight later, I was never able to steer the conversation to that topic again.

In reality, I have seen the cloud of the glory of God, as it is described numerous times in the Old Testament.  It happened on three separate occasions, and not just fleeting glances, but I spent an hour at a time staring up at it at close range.  I was looking around for any alternate explanation for what I was seeing, and asking myself: “is this really happening, right here, right now?"  I asked my friend next to me to describe what she was perceiving, to make sure that it was the same thing.  How ironic if we had all been in awe, each seeing something totally different, and being totally unaware of that fact.  She described it the same as I was seeing it, a streaming pillar of swirling gold, "falling" up instead of down.  I was obviously in the presence of God, but since I truly believe I am always in God's presence, that idea didn't phase me as much as it could have.  I wasn't afraid of what I was seeing, nor overwhelmed by power and glory, or anything like that.  I mostly was praying, asking God the logical question of: "what are you trying to tell me or teach me through this phenomenon?" but with no clear answer.

So I guess I can shutter the doors of the Presidential campaign I started in Kindergarten.  Our society is not going to elect someone to an important office who is totally crazy. (Hopefully)  And most people in the US have no structure under which to fit that story, besides the "crazy" pile.  That's before I mention that I prayed over a body, looking for fulfillment of a prophesy that I would someday raise the dead.  That was specifically prophesied to happen in a literal sense, not a metaphorical one, and without any precursor miracles or healings leading up to that event.  The idea kind of scared me, since it presupposes that I will be directly dealing with death, which is something I would rather avoid.  But being able to raise the dead would be a useful skill if I was President.  (It might even get me re-elected;)

Managing One's Image or Reputation Online

There are lots of books and articles about social networking, and what you should and shouldn't put online.  This becomes an exercise in fabricating an "image" of someone who doesn't truly exist.  Either people are trying to appear to be responsible citizens to potential employers who may Google them, or trying to seem attractive to the "right" person in online dating.  There are entire companies dedicated to search engine optimization and online reputation management.

I have a fairly common name, which can be a disadvantage in certain ways, but it does make me relatively anonymous online.  Even this site, which has my first and last name right up front can't really be directly linked to me without some exhaustive research.  Googling my name reveals nothing connected to me in the first 100 results, although I was in the top 10 for a while earlier in the year.  Anyone who didn't already know me would have difficulty finding any information about me online.

Ironically in my case, that is usually a disadvantage, since most all of the information about me on the internet is positive, if it can be discovered.  I have written for a number of different websites, and am mentioned by name in many technology articles.  But if I want to find articles that reference me and my work, I usually Google my co-workers names, since they are more unique, and return the desired results.

If people are worried about photos of what they do on the weekends ending up online, maybe they shouldn't be doing those things.  The only thing I have done to manipulate my online "image" is un-tag some photos.  Due to the fact that I rarely drink, my colleagues make a point of documenting when I do, which leads to an inaccurate "picture" of my habits in that regard.

I know someone who is extremely careful about segmenting which of her friends can see different things she can post on Facebook.  On the other hand, I ignore all but the most broad privacy controls, and just make a habit of NOT posting anything that I wouldn't want the entire general public to see.  This results in being less open online than many other people, but I can be less concerned about who might see what.  This site is an exception in regards to not being open online, but that is because I am trying to grow in that regard.

That can be taken too far the other direction, with people publicly reveling in sin, so I guess there is a balance.  The need for transparency within our community is an idea that only makes sense applied to believers.  If that is to help purify the community, people with no shame being open about their exploits will have the opposite affect, communicating that "everyone is doing it" and that "it's no big deal."  Ironically the same principle still applies at either end of the spectrum: "actually BE the person that you want others to SEE you as."

Privacy-Good or Bad

Privacy is an interesting concept to ponder.  It is really about how much we let other people or entities into our lives.  What we let other people know about us plays a big part in that issue.  In this day and age, with the development of the internet, privacy feels like a thing of he past, but is that good or bad?  Why is it that we don't just expose everything about ourselves?  My theory is that it comes down to insecurity, that people don't believe that other people would accept them if people knew everything about them.  Basically everyone recognizes their own sinfulness, at least subconsciously, and is ashamed of it.

While I believe that sin should be neither ignored nor flaunted, the shame that leads to hiding it doesn't help to remove the problem, it just buries it, where it is harder to deal with.  And I have no doubt that God wants us to “deal with” sin, and approach the problem head on when ever possible.  No one is perfect, and the sooner we all accept that fact, as it applies both to ourselves and to those around us, the better off we all will be.  Think about what affect both parts of that realization would have on the concept of forgiveness.  But unless that happens, everyone goes on hiding things from everyone else.

The traditional American view on privacy is: "It's a free country, so I can do whatever I want, and it is none of your business."  I tend to agree, as it pertains to the government, or other organizations, but what about other individuals?  Taking that approach with everyone we know is not going to foster intimate relationships with others in our community.

God can perceive everything we think and do, so we have absolutely zero privacy from him.  Anyone who doesn't recognize that is deceived.  But what effect does that reality have on our approach to life?  It is my observation that those who are under the illusion that they can keep secrets have a tendency to make bad decisions.

There is a Biblical basis for being open with others about your own mistakes and shortcomings.  "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." (James 5:16)  While the Catholic Church has taken this in a direction that is hard to support, I do believe that there is value to confessing our sins to one another.  If done the right way, it can foster accountability and promote trust.  I am a firm believer in the idea that we can not overcome sin on out own, but only through the grace of God, and experience has taught me that this frequently comes in the form of support from those around us.

But it can be extremely difficult and painful to confess our sins to others.  It requires trust, and nearly always entails a huge level of risk.  By revealing our own shortcomings, we risk experiencing rejection instead of support to change.  Unfortunately in the church’s rightful crusade against sin, sinners are wounded in the conflict that is supposed to be liberating them.  Now I myself have never been wounded by “the church” in that way, but for good reason.  I have never trusted “the church” with the issues I was struggling with.  I have only shared with particular individuals in my life, after spending years building up a significant level of trust.  I believe in the benefits of being open with others, but that can be very difficult to do.  My writings on here are small steps in that general direction.

Discovering God’s Will by Considering His Favor

So I have been wrestling with a hypothetical question for quite a while now.  The principle of the idea, in regards the role we play in God's provision, is far more important that the example I am going to look at: If God told me that someone was going to give a million dollars or something else of great value to my ministry, should I go ask them for it directly, or just wait for them to send it to me?

What role does our initiative play in that process?  Do we run the risk of screwing things up if we attempt to make them happen on our own strength?  Or does God value the faith that action would take, and bless the outcome?

I have been reading some books by Loren Cunningham, who founded YWAM.  Much of his approach to finding direction in life and ministry is based on observing God's provision.  But how can one decipher the direction God is leading us if we are actively seeking the things we are eventually provided with?  Was it God or us that led to a breakthrough in a particular direction?  This directly ties to understanding God's favor.

A little over a year ago I had an interesting conversation about God's favor, and how we can recognize it in our lives.  It was based on a sermon that someone in my Bible Study had been listening to, and there were three main aspects.  God's favor is revealed in the interests and desires he places on our hearts, the natural talents and skills he has given us, and the patterns of blessing and success in our past.  In my case, technology is clearly an area in which God has gifted me, and has blessed me greatly in those pursuits in the past.  Camp work and lifestyle is something that He has given me a great desire for, and some of my talents are applicable in that environment.

There have been paths that I felt God wanted me to take, which I was not initially passionate about.  I then prayed for a strong desire for what he wanted me to do, and received maybe more than I bargained for.  But desire is not a full indication of favor, and favor is not an ironclad sign of God's will.

Now that I am having trouble making that potential a reality, it has been fairly disheartening.  Did I hear God wrong?  Was it all just in my head?  Am I just not patient enough?  What should I be doing about it?  I am sure all of these questions will seem quite amusing and immature someday, when I am looking back at them with the benefit of hindsight, but right now I am here and not there.  The nice thing is, that amusing hindsight thing will likely be true, regardless of what God actually ends up having in store for me.  I guess I am just feeling more impatient recently, feeling like I am not making much progress on things or moving life forward right now.

Teaching and Ministering To Others

So I had this interesting epiphany while praying at church this evening.  I know many people from college and camp who are youth leaders, but I have never felt particularly called in that direction.  Growing up, I was never part of a youth group, so I don't really fully understand the role that those organizations play in people's lives.  While we were praying for the Jr. High group at the church, it was mentioned by someone else that much of the work invested by the leaders in that age group doesn't show fruit until the children have moved on to high school and college.

So it occurred to me, that if I was ever to get involved in assisting with that aspect of ministry, instead of working with a particular age group, I would want to follow one particular group all the way through the process as they grew older.  This seemed extra suitable when I factored in how it takes me such a long time to develop close relationships with people.

Then it dawned on me that this sounds a lot like the process of raising children.  Now I was already planning to do that, and almost always have been, but this added a new dimension to that idea.  When praying about the direction my ministry to others should be focused, I have usually felt led towards the idea that my ministry to my family, specifically the family I intend to raise someday, will be my primary conduit of ministry to the rest of society.  In a certain light, that can sound fairly selfish, if I devote all MY energy towards the growth of MY wife, and MY kids, and such.  But if looked at from this new perspective, if my ministry is to be focused on my kids, AND their friends & classmates & teammates & such: then that is a much broader and more generous target group.

Now it is going to be a while before I have to worry much about any of these choices or options, and in a way, it is putting the cart far before the horse.  But it is relevent to the question of what I should be doing for ministry now, since knowing where you intend to end up, is an important prerequisite for taking the first steps in that direction.

I don't have much of an impulse towards direct evangelism, but I don't believe that my primary ministry to others is intended to be limited to financially supporting those who are more directly involved.  It has been repeatedly pointed out to me that my natural talents lend themselves to the role of teacher.  And this fits with my feeling that my calling is more towards helping strengthen the faith of existing believers than towards finding new ones.  I think that one of the things that has been lacking in my life recently has been the opportunity to teach others.  My pursuit of God has led to my involvement in quite a few Bible studies, home churches, and community groups recently, but I have primarily been on the recipient side of the flow of knowledge and wisdom for quite a while now.  Besides camp my role at camp, I haven't started and led a Bible Study since before I graduated from college.

This situation is probably due to the fact that I am not in a position to provide the structure that a group like that needs, because of my inconsistent work schedule.  I am not sure what to do about that, but I think it is time to start figuring out how to start giving back in some way.

The Five Love Languages

Last week I visited a Bible Study group that was studying the book The Five Love Languages.  Unbeknownst to me, the group was composed entirely of married couples, making this a more applicable subject for them than me.  Regardless, I happened to find that book on my Mom's shelf the day before I attended, so I was familiar with the subject by the time I showed up.

Attending the event itself served as a good reminder that marriage is not the idyllic dream that many single people subconsciously view it as.  I first got introduced to that idea at a Bible Study in LA that I attended in 07-08, which I label "The Realities of Marriage."  I got a peek under the hood at a number of new marriages, and was pretty shocked at the amount of conflict I discovered.  This was followed by transitioning to a different community group in the same church in 09-10, where the couples were starting to have babies, which taught me "The Realities of having Children."

Filling out the love languages survey that evening didn't reveal any huge surprises about myself.  My primary "language" is Quality Time, with Physical Touch not far behind.  For a long time I have tried to reconcile the idea of touch being how I wanted a partner to express her love to me, with the fact that I usually avoid letting people touch me at all.  But I guess there is some logic to that, if one takes the perspective that I consider touch to be fairly intimate, and am not ready to share that with most others.  Growing up attending a Catholic church, I was always apprehensive about the "sharing of the peace" which was entirely composed of shaking hands with strangers.  And this came directly after the "Our Father" where everyone held hands.  But I also wasn't big on hugging until the congregation I attended in college forcibly battered down that wall in my life with their after-service customs.  I eventually came to understand that can be an important part of connecting with other people, or being part of a community.

One interesting thing that has occurred to me in reading that book, is that some of these languages are inherently reciprocal, while others are not.  Good luck touching someone without them touching you at the same time, and it is difficult to spend time with someone, without them spending time with you.  So if both partners share that "language," they will both be getting their emotional needs met by the same event, and the more one meets the needs of their partner, the more their needs are getting met automatically.  With gifts on the other hand, it is quite possible for that to be a one way street, with nothing coming back, even if both partners value that language.  The same is true for acts of service and words of affirmation.  In those cases, the emotional support flows in each direction completely independently.

I thought that was a pretty profound observation when it came to me during the meeting, but no one else seemed particularly impressed.  I realized that my perspective was exactly the opposite of theirs, in that they are committed to a particular partner at this point, and have to figure out how to make that work.  So it doesn't matter if some possible combination would be optimal, they are only focused on how to best deal with the combination in their own marriage.  I on the other hand, am still trying to find a suitable partner, so the idea that certain languages are more compatible or reciprocal is relevant.  Since both time and touch are inherently reciprocal, I guess all I need to do now, is find someone who "speaks my language."

Identity in our Final Resting Place

I just finished the last of the arrangements for my mother's final resting place.  It was her desire to have her ashes interned in a wall niche.  The interesting thing here is that those niches are designed to contain the remains of two people.  So there is this open ended question of "who will go in there with her?"  The obvious choice in most cases would be one's spouse.  But regardless of the fact that my parents happen to be divorced, how would remarriage of the surviving spouse effect that situation?

If my Dad re-married, he would presumably end up being buried or interned with his second wife.  If he doesn't, he will probably end up next to my Mom, which is not unreasonable, since they were on good terms.  Another possible candidate would be my uncle, who is my mom's younger brother, and unmarried.  These are really strange and awkward conversations to be having with the rest of my family, especially since most of them took place at a very stressful time.  But it really hit home when someone suggested that my brother, or worse-myself, could end up in there with my Mom.  Now I don't think very fondly of death as it is, but the possibility that I could die before I get the chance to get married, is extra troubling.  There are a variety of other things that I would like to do before I die, but that is the key one, as an identity thing.

This has got to be much more of a reality for the guys I know in the military, since they run the risk of being killed in action.  If so, their spouses are statistically likely to remarry, since they are still in their 20s and 30s.  The difference here is that the deceased member may be in a military cemetery, since they were killed in action.  Basically their identity and legacy will be more closely linked to their service than their family.

Now if I was to die after getting married, how would I feel about my wife getting remarried?  Since I obviously would love her, I would want her to be happy, and not to be alone, I would be in favor of that, but there is one aspect that I have trouble with.  It is the identity thing, and while it is selfish, a part of me would want her to always be "my" wife, even though that is completely irrational.  I don't get to "keep" her once we are in heaven together anyway, Jesus made that pretty clear.  So while it is hard to accept the inevitability of that marriage bond breaking, God only designed it to last until death.  Which adds an interesting perspective to the idea of "Here lies Mr & Mrs. John Smith" since technically, they aren't married anymore.

So what that leaves us with is that the next person in my family to pass away will probably end up sharing that niche with my Mom, unless they specifically request something contrary to that.  Even though the secondary ramifications of this request are a bit awkward, I won't hesitate to admit: I just pray that it doesn't end up being me.