Stressful Situations

I would previously have claimed that I usually work exceptionally well under "stress" but in reality I would say that I am fairly resistant to stress.  Once I am actually experiencing it, I probably react pretty similarly to the way everyone else does.  It has been a pretty rough couple of days, which have introduced stress to my life at a whole new order of magnitude.  I lost a close family member, and have rather suddenly taken on some rather large responsibilities.

Over the last few days, I have spent a lot of time thinking about things to write on here, but had very little time to myself to actually do it.  And on the occasions that I do sit down to commit those ideas to paper, nothing substantial comes to mind.  That is only one example of what I have been learning first hand, about the effect that extreme stress has on my mental processes.  I am still staying on top of the big things, but the less significant ones are slipping through.  Leaving the house unexpectedly at 5am, I had the presence of mind to grab all of the things I would need for the next few days, provided I didn't want to change my socks or underwear during that time.

I have always known that I would someday have to deal with this situation, but was in no hurry to do so, and expected that I would be able to avoid it for another twenty years.  I had even discussed the eventual situation within the last few weeks, and it is interesting to reflect on some of the assumptions that were made during that conversation, especially in regard to timing. It has been a lot different than I anticipated, both practically and emotionally.

I wish I had been able to record more about the progression of my emotions over the last few days, since I know that a number of profound ideas have occurred to me.  There are a whole variety of things I have been experiencing for the very first time.  Actually having complete responsibility for something external to myself is a new experience.  I have usually avoided that situation to this point, preferring instead to be the number two guy, who control is delegated to, but who isn't responsible for any failures, as long as his approach to problems is approved of.  Being the key decision maker is actually very freeing in a way, since I know how to seek out good advice, and who to consult.  I don't have to sell anyone on a good idea, even if it is emotionally counter-intuitive.  It is not that I am unfamiliar with taking responsibility for things, since I very clearly run my own life, but I rarely agree to take on full responsibility for things beyond that.  In this case I had no legal choice in the matter, and I have little to compare it to.  So far, the stress has not been from the level of responsibility, since I am confident in my own abilities, but in dealing with those around me, and trying to keep them happy.  This rarely hinges on my actual decisions as much as their emotional strain, and need to feel involved in the process.

I almost feel guilty any time I am laughing or smiling, as if any positive emotions during this time are a betrayal of someone's memory.  This is interesting to contrast against our wise-cracking funeral director, whose attitude is basically: "you've got to have a sense of humor to survive working in a place like this."  I do that in other "serious" situations to relieve tension, but it takes a bit of getting used to, to do it in this context.