Fear of Death

One major fear that I used to experience, was fear of my own inevitable death.  No one knows exactly what happens when that takes place, but everyone will eventually find out.  The fact that it is a giant unknown is one source of fear, and the fact that we have no control over it is a separate reason.

I remember coming across a pretty disturbing image in a children's history book of all places.  It was an illustration of the scene of a guillotine in operation during the French Revolution.  I am pretty sure that an accurate picture of that scene would be pretty revolting, so the illustrator had sanitized it a bit.  Instead of dramatic images of struggle and force, there were just a few individuals running things, and a long line of people calmly waiting their turn.  It looked like they would just step up, their head would be put into the hole, and it would get cut off, simple as that.  Looking back now, I realize that the casualness of the whole thing is probably what bothered me the most, as if death was no big deal. (There is a similar scene in a Yankee in King Arthur's Court, debating taking one's coat off to be beheaded.)  The people in line were not heavily restrained; they must have given up, and are just submitting to the process.  I wanted to yell at them to wake them up to the situation: "Don't you get it?  You're going to die!"

But then in a sense, aren't we all?  The only difference is that the timing isn't as clear.  I used to be pre-occupied with a fear of death, and knew that I would never give up on life in a situation, struggling until the end.  I am quite perseverant, and am not accustomed to giving up or accepting defeat.  So part of the question in my mind was: "what would it take to get me to give up on life like that?"  That resulted in all sorts of worst case scenarios going through my mind for a long time.  Part of me wanted to find a way to live forever, and I deeply desired that.  Now I realize that would be painful solution to the problem, watching everyone I know grow old and die.  But at the time, the fear of the unknown (death) superseded any concern of that painful prospect.

I eventually realized, as I was in High School, that there were things in this world that I was willing to die for.  If that is true, then a gripping fear of death becomes illogical, as one must be more afraid of failing to protect something or someone, than they are of dying.  Once I grasped that concept, I just sort of got over it.  I still would prefer not to die anytime particularly soon, but it is not an issue that constantly occupies my thoughts.

I have risked my life to save other people numerous times in the past, but I obviously have never sacrificed my life to save someone else, and there is a big difference.  There is no question that men have an innate impulse to protect women and children, even at the cost of their own life, and I have no doubt that God intended it to be that way.  That same level of protection does not necessarily extend to other men, as they are supposed to be responsible for their own safety.  Similarly, a husband is expected to be willing to sacrifice his life for his wife, but there is no equivalent in the reverse, even though in most other ways, marriage is usually expected to be a reciprocal relationship.  Anyhow, that would imply that overcoming fear of death is probably a good prerequisite for finding a wife.