What my Family Calls "Love," Everyone Else Calls "Loyalty"

I have thrown that phrase around in a number of different contexts over the last few years, usually to describe a problem I saw.  It was first pointed out to me by one of my close friends about four years ago.  The original observation was based on the fact that the emotional aspects of the relationships in my family were nearly non-existent.  We are reasonably close in our interactions, and can depend on one another, but this is based on a sense of duty and honor, as opposed to some strong emotional bond.  It pervades the rest of my extended family to some degree, but is extremely true of the relationships between the members of my immediate family.  We rarely miss a major holiday or family get together, but we rarely talk about what we are dealing with or feeling.

When my parents first told me that they were splitting up, the first thing they asked me after going over the practical details was: "how do you feel about all of this?"  My response was the first time I had quoted that phrase directly to them, although I had previously used it to describe my family to others.  My Dad's initial response was to reflexively deny it, until he had taken about five seconds to actually process it, after which he conceded that it was probably accurate.

It was originally stated to point out a problem, and from a certain perspective that is an issue that should be addressed, although I am not sure how.  But there is a actually a flip side that I had not really pondered until the progression of events over the last week or so.  My family (immediate or extended) are not people who I go to for emotional support, it just doesn't work that way.  But in providing practical assistance, they are actually quite reliable.

But when I need that level of dependable response from my friends, who I do rely on for emotional support, I sure don't find it.  I have been going out of my way to seek out people to talk to, to help process what is going on at an emotional level.  But it feels like the process of trying to make that actually happen adds more stress than it alleviates, on the rare occasion that things actually fall together.  The rest of the time it a constant struggle to get a hold of people, and then try to fit things in to their schedule, when I have no real schedule as I take on the unknown, one step at a time.  The ones who are available, usually have trouble being helpful.  And of the ones that are helpful, the few that are finding ways to make themselves available, are managing to do so in ways that make my life even more stressful.

Skype adds an interesting option into that equation.  I was never a fan of video chatting, but was consciously trying to get more comfortable with it, to stay in touch with people during my upcoming trip.  This situation is the first time I have ever found it to be a truly helpful tool.  I am not sure if I am actually getting used to it, or just that when you are completely emotionally drained, you don't even notice that it is inherently kind of awkward to video chat with someone.  Anyhow, I have done more video chatting in the last week than in the rest of my life combined.  But it is just not the same thing as actually talking to someone in person, and good luck developing a "Skype Hug."

But the end result is still that "what my family calls love, everyone else calls loyalty," and for now, I'll take it.  Someday I will probably need a whole bunch of counseling to sort out the emotional ramifications of that problem, but at least I know who I can depend on.

Alone...or am I?

Certain obvious observations haven't been as clear to me recently, as noted in my last post.  I had a few interesting things occur to me today, in regards to the previous week.  When I was sitting in bed this morning, it suddenly dawned on me just how much easier this process would be if I was married.  There are so many things that would be different if I wasn't dealing with it alone.

For one, I would have a constant listening ear to talk to, to help process what is doing on at an emotional level.  Instead I have to work hard to make sure I find an opportunity to do that at least once a day.  There aren't very many people I trust enough to talk openly with, and while they try to make themselves available, the logistics usually make that challenging.  And while tools like Skype make it easier to communicate at a certain level, its not like someone is going to reach through the screen and give me a digital hug.

I don't know how it works, but there is definitely a difference between talking to a guy, and talking to a girl, about emotional issues.  There is a certain comforting factor that seems to be unique to females, presumably because they are more "sensitive."  I assume that is similar for girls, in that they frequently go to their other female friends for consolation in many cases, instead of their boyfriend or husband (but not always).

If married, I would have someone around constantly, so that I wouldn't be physically alone so frequently.  I have had people who accompanied me for certain tasks recently, even though they were of no potential practical assistance, just to have someone around for moral support.  I didn't fully appreciate the value of that until after they had left, and I had to continue the process on my own.

Even at a basic practical level, it would probably be health to have someone looking out for me, pointing out that I hadn't eaten in 36 hours, or that I need to go to bed, etc.  While I am capable of pulling my own weight, I wouldn't feel too guilty about letting them do the cooking and laundry for the time being.

And let's be honest, relieving a little tension and relaxing every once in a while is probably healthy when dealing with serious emotional stress.  But the cost of that level of support from someone, is that you also have to be available to do the same for them when they need it.  I have no problem doing that, at least in theory, as that is part of what sharing the load is all about.  "The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'" (Genesis 2:18)

So I had that idea running around in the back of my head for most of the day, and it wasn't until I was driving back home late at night that an opposite observation occurred to me.  It suddenly dawned on me just how much harder this process would be if I was working full-time.  Having to balance the funeral and estate issues, with my own work and financial concerns, would make it far more difficult.  My brother has taken some time off from his job, but the rest of my family doesn't even have to deal with that side of things.  Besides deferring my big trip, which costs me nothing, I have no other outside distractions that I can't ignore for a few weeks.  This will be helpful for sorting through things both practically and emotionally.

So while God appears to have withheld certain blessings for the time being, he has provided others, to help keep me on an even keel.  The degree to which some of those things have been provided by God is only beginning to sink in over the last 48 hours, and will be explored on here further in the near future.

Stressful Situations

I would previously have claimed that I usually work exceptionally well under "stress" but in reality I would say that I am fairly resistant to stress.  Once I am actually experiencing it, I probably react pretty similarly to the way everyone else does.  It has been a pretty rough couple of days, which have introduced stress to my life at a whole new order of magnitude.  I lost a close family member, and have rather suddenly taken on some rather large responsibilities.

Over the last few days, I have spent a lot of time thinking about things to write on here, but had very little time to myself to actually do it.  And on the occasions that I do sit down to commit those ideas to paper, nothing substantial comes to mind.  That is only one example of what I have been learning first hand, about the effect that extreme stress has on my mental processes.  I am still staying on top of the big things, but the less significant ones are slipping through.  Leaving the house unexpectedly at 5am, I had the presence of mind to grab all of the things I would need for the next few days, provided I didn't want to change my socks or underwear during that time.

I have always known that I would someday have to deal with this situation, but was in no hurry to do so, and expected that I would be able to avoid it for another twenty years.  I had even discussed the eventual situation within the last few weeks, and it is interesting to reflect on some of the assumptions that were made during that conversation, especially in regard to timing. It has been a lot different than I anticipated, both practically and emotionally.

I wish I had been able to record more about the progression of my emotions over the last few days, since I know that a number of profound ideas have occurred to me.  There are a whole variety of things I have been experiencing for the very first time.  Actually having complete responsibility for something external to myself is a new experience.  I have usually avoided that situation to this point, preferring instead to be the number two guy, who control is delegated to, but who isn't responsible for any failures, as long as his approach to problems is approved of.  Being the key decision maker is actually very freeing in a way, since I know how to seek out good advice, and who to consult.  I don't have to sell anyone on a good idea, even if it is emotionally counter-intuitive.  It is not that I am unfamiliar with taking responsibility for things, since I very clearly run my own life, but I rarely agree to take on full responsibility for things beyond that.  In this case I had no legal choice in the matter, and I have little to compare it to.  So far, the stress has not been from the level of responsibility, since I am confident in my own abilities, but in dealing with those around me, and trying to keep them happy.  This rarely hinges on my actual decisions as much as their emotional strain, and need to feel involved in the process.

I almost feel guilty any time I am laughing or smiling, as if any positive emotions during this time are a betrayal of someone's memory.  This is interesting to contrast against our wise-cracking funeral director, whose attitude is basically: "you've got to have a sense of humor to survive working in a place like this."  I do that in other "serious" situations to relieve tension, but it takes a bit of getting used to, to do it in this context.

Feeling Safe as the Opposite of Fear

After talking so much about fear, it is probably good to examine its opposites.  Courage could be described as the opposite of fear, but it is more specifically a force that opposes fear.  Both can exist at the same time, since courage is what it takes to confront or overcome one's fears.  Safety seems like a more accurate opposite of fear.  They can't exist at the same time; to feel safe is to be without fear.

Similar to fear, safety has a variety of aspects to it.  Physical safety is the most obvious form, and we see that around us all the time.  Many precautions are taken to ensure our physical safety, from seatbelts in cars, to those helpful "Warning-Contents may be Hot" labels on your coffee cup.  No matter what you do, you will never be totally physically safe, because your body is an unpredictable living organism.  True safety will only be actually experienced once we get to Heaven.  But it is possible to feel safe here on earth, and that sense of peace is a gift from God.

There are other aspects of safety beyond the physical realm.  Feeling emotionally safe is what builds trust, and eventually intimacy.  Emotional things are much harder for me to define, but I recently came across a quote that really nailed this idea:

"Oh the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are -- chaff and grain together -- certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness blow the rest away." — Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I honestly don't know the precise original context, as I found this in excerpt form, but I like what it is communicating.  Letting one's guard down requires trust in someone to ensure our emotional safety.  Intimacy requires trust, and trust is built in a safe place.

People who don’t want to be deceived are looking for intellectual safety.  Having a “safe place,” to openly discuss new ideas and weigh their merit, as a collective effort in combination with others, nurtures growth.  The ideas in question can be on any topic upon which one can be deceived.  The level of safety doesn’t counter the possibility of deception, it just fosters open communication, and that is what prevents deception.

Just because something is safe, doesn’t necessarily make it good.  Our comfort zone is where we feel safe, but never getting outside our comfort zone will prevent us from growing.  Safety is an important part of life, but shouldn’t be an objective for its own sake.  God is the only one that can provide true safety, and we will probably have to venture outside our comfort zones to truly find it.

Fear of Death

One major fear that I used to experience, was fear of my own inevitable death.  No one knows exactly what happens when that takes place, but everyone will eventually find out.  The fact that it is a giant unknown is one source of fear, and the fact that we have no control over it is a separate reason.

I remember coming across a pretty disturbing image in a children's history book of all places.  It was an illustration of the scene of a guillotine in operation during the French Revolution.  I am pretty sure that an accurate picture of that scene would be pretty revolting, so the illustrator had sanitized it a bit.  Instead of dramatic images of struggle and force, there were just a few individuals running things, and a long line of people calmly waiting their turn.  It looked like they would just step up, their head would be put into the hole, and it would get cut off, simple as that.  Looking back now, I realize that the casualness of the whole thing is probably what bothered me the most, as if death was no big deal. (There is a similar scene in a Yankee in King Arthur's Court, debating taking one's coat off to be beheaded.)  The people in line were not heavily restrained; they must have given up, and are just submitting to the process.  I wanted to yell at them to wake them up to the situation: "Don't you get it?  You're going to die!"

But then in a sense, aren't we all?  The only difference is that the timing isn't as clear.  I used to be pre-occupied with a fear of death, and knew that I would never give up on life in a situation, struggling until the end.  I am quite perseverant, and am not accustomed to giving up or accepting defeat.  So part of the question in my mind was: "what would it take to get me to give up on life like that?"  That resulted in all sorts of worst case scenarios going through my mind for a long time.  Part of me wanted to find a way to live forever, and I deeply desired that.  Now I realize that would be painful solution to the problem, watching everyone I know grow old and die.  But at the time, the fear of the unknown (death) superseded any concern of that painful prospect.

I eventually realized, as I was in High School, that there were things in this world that I was willing to die for.  If that is true, then a gripping fear of death becomes illogical, as one must be more afraid of failing to protect something or someone, than they are of dying.  Once I grasped that concept, I just sort of got over it.  I still would prefer not to die anytime particularly soon, but it is not an issue that constantly occupies my thoughts.

I have risked my life to save other people numerous times in the past, but I obviously have never sacrificed my life to save someone else, and there is a big difference.  There is no question that men have an innate impulse to protect women and children, even at the cost of their own life, and I have no doubt that God intended it to be that way.  That same level of protection does not necessarily extend to other men, as they are supposed to be responsible for their own safety.  Similarly, a husband is expected to be willing to sacrifice his life for his wife, but there is no equivalent in the reverse, even though in most other ways, marriage is usually expected to be a reciprocal relationship.  Anyhow, that would imply that overcoming fear of death is probably a good prerequisite for finding a wife.

My Perspective on Fear

After a fairly academic and removed observation of fear, I guess I should delve into my perspective fear, and how I experience and deal with it.  My initial analysis was that I am the type of person who confronts fears head on.  I play paintball, go dirt-biking, and do a lot of work at heights, not exactly a timid lifestyle.  I used to be afraid of the dark when I was younger, but now am known for never using a flashlight when walking in the dark.  I can't say I really overcame any significant fear of heights, but I regularly do things in that regard that most people would be afraid to even think about.  That is more an issue of not experiencing fear, instead of overcoming it.

If I recognize within myself fear of something in the physical world, I usually confront it head on.  But there are also certain fears I don't seek out opportunities to overcome.  For example, I am not a fan of reptiles and spiders.  I won't hesitate to "take care" of one when needed, but I am not going to go pet one anytime soon.  But these fears aren't having a significant impact on my life, limiting my growth as a person.  Relative to others, I experience very little fear in the realm of physical challenges, so viewed from that perspective I probably appear fearless or courageous.

In a social context, I can identify a similar pattern.  Certain fears I am very conscious of, and try to confront head on.  Others fears that I can't fully understand or quantify are much more difficult for me to figure out how to deal with.  I am aware that I have difficulty talking with strangers, and that is not a fear of them so much as a fear of not being able to come up with anything to say to them. (In the same way that fear of heights is totally irrational, but fear of falling...)  That issue doesn't apply exclusively to strangers, but the more I know about someone, the more possible things I have to talk about with them, so the less likely I am to have that problem.

I go work at a convention every year, and spend a week talking to strangers all day long.  Not something I really enjoy, but it doesn't scare me as much as it used to.  Now in this case, even without knowing the people I am talking with, I do have something to talk about, the product I am selling.  That helps, in that the only point of stress is that they are complete strangers.  Hopefully practice in that situation, with an obvious topic available, will help me prepare for situations where that isn't defined either, like "mingling" after church.  Those totally unstructured social times are probably the most challenging for me, but I am not really sure what aspect of them I am actually afraid of.  Clearly I am not in any danger, and that type of situation is not unfamiliar to me, so I don't fully understand the root cause of that anxiety.    But it is obviously an issue, and holds me back from fully enjoying myself in many normal social situations.  As with many things in life, identifying the precise source of a problem can be harder than actually solving it.

Fear is the Opposite of Freedom

Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat or potential danger.  It can motivate a number of physical responses including violence, retreat, or paralysis.  Many times the intuitive response motivated by fear actually makes the problem worse, consequently increasing the fear.  This makes it important to be able to suppress this reflex in many situations for our own protection.  Those who are unable to do that will be controlled by their fears.  Those who can, will have the freedom to react in better ways.

Fear takes many forms, and comes from many sources.  To be free is to not be encumbered by fear.  Not necessarily to be without fear, but to have mastered fear, so that while we may still feel it in some form, it no longer controls our actions.  Suppressing our fears alleviates the emotional turmoil by avoiding or ignoring the source of the fear, but even taking that countermeasure is to give some aspect of control over to that fear.  Only through God can we truly overcome our fears, but that usually takes place by facing them directly in some form.  Other people can assist us in the process of overcoming our fears.  Observing the outcome of their confrontation with something we fear, can give us the confidence to face it ourselves.

Fear can be a very powerful tool, and is almost always abused.  The media uses it to increase their viewers, and therefore their profits.  Politicians and governments use it to increase their power.  The devil uses it to paralyze people in their despair.

So what about "good" fear, which we have been taught helps us?  Can fear protect us from things that can hurt us?  Fear and respect are not the same thing.  Respect is to let intellectual awareness of something's significance influence our actions.  We can have respect for things that are powerful or potentially dangerous, without the emotional aspect of fearing them.

God wants us to respect him, because he wants us to love him, and we can't truly love someone we don't respect.  But God doesn't want us to fear him, because we can't truly love someone whom we fear. ("There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." 1 John 4:18 NIV)  We can be afraid of hurting someone we love, and similarly be afraid of offending someone we love, not because we fear what they will do to us in return, but out of respect for their desires and preferences.  This is the type fear we should have of God.  Sin separates us from God, so it should be avoided, not for fear of Him, but by love for Him.

I once heard it said that: "freedom is the strength to do what you know is right."  That is, the strength to overcome fear, and not be limited by it.  Suppressing your fear does not lead to freedom, only confronting and overcoming our fears will allow us to truly be free. ("For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7-NKJV)

Influencing Our Own Desires and Emotions

I have always maintained that I don't control my emotions or desires, I only control my reactions to those feelings.  They happen to me, outside of my conscious deliberate control.  If they are possible to directly control, I don't know how to do it.

While desires are not the same as emotions, they both seem to come from somewhere beyond the conscious mind, a place usually described as the heart.  This is probably both because they are considered to be rooted deeper within us, and because experiencing them in a strong form can actually lead to feeling a physical sensation from that part of our body.

I have read some things about how you are supposed to lead your heart, instead of follow your heart, but I don't really relate to what they are saying, or understand how to do that.  God puts desires in our heart, and there may be other desires there as well, presumably what Paul describes as "desires of the flesh."  Biblically, those are to be resisted, but once again, I only know of ways to control my responses to those desires.  I recognize there are certain desires within me, which are in direct conflict with my desire to follow God.

How does one go about changing their desires, and can one even truly "want" to?  How can you want to not-want something anymore?  Does it just come down to which desire is stronger?  The only way I can imagine getting rid of the desires themselves, would be at a spiritual level, with God's assistance through prayer.  And then what about those desires that aren't so black and white?  They don't directly conflict, but may distract from God, or maybe they are from God.  It can be hard to tell, because "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9)

Emotions and desires are not the same thing, but they are related issues.  Can we choose our emotions?  How much influence do we have over them?  I know that in a sense it is possible to suppress your emotions, so we do have some level of control over them.  But is that emotional suppression a conscious action, or only an unconscious response to the process of consciously suppressing reactions to our emotions?  And I don't think you can isolate certain emotions, but that in suppressing one, you suppress all of them.  The defense mechanism that limits anger and sadness, also limits peace and joy as an unfortunate side effect.  Being open to experiencing happiness requires risk.

It occurred to me the other day that the heart doesn't multitask, nor is it easily distracted. (Both physically, in pumping blood, and metaphorically)  Our minds, by comparison, seem unpredictable, and usually much less focused.  My thoughts on things fluctuate much more than my feelings about them do.

The Spirit of Rejection

I have only recently been introduced to the idea of how much influence the spiritual world exerts over the physical world.  So I have by no means figured out how it all works, but I have to admit, that viewing things from that perspective causes many things to make a lot more sense to me.  The particular aspect that was clearly illustrated to me this last month related to rejection.

I am someone who is not really afraid of rejection, at least in the traditional sense, but in certain aspects of life, I experience it to an inordinate degree, that has no logical explanation.  In looking back at how that issue has manifested itself in the past, I can identify three parameters that seem to hold true.

If there is such thing as a Spirit of Rejection, it has no influence over my career or professional life.  I would imagine that many people probably experience it in this way, but I am offered jobs all the time, and encounter little resistance in that aspect of life.  God has clearly blessed my endeavors in that regard.

Although I can see traces of the issue influencing every social relationship I have, it is only measurable and quantifiable in interactions I have with girls.  And while it is not limited to the context of dating, that is where it is most apparent.  (Possibly because that is an issue I have been focusing on.)

Lastly, and most significantly, it only affects steps that I initiate.  Now it is possible to look at that distinction from a logical perspective, and say: "of course not, people aren't going to reject ideas that they initiate," but its not that simple.  I have had the opportunity to see the exact same situations be repeated a second time with a different outcome.  The same people are involved, but the opposite person takes the first step, leading toward the same desired outcome.

This happened in the most obvious possible fashion last month, where I took a step that was totally reasonable by any rational standard, and was met with sudden, unexpected rejection.  I have never had someone accuse me of violating their personal space before, which I figure was a bit of an over-reaction.  Amusingly, a couple weeks later, the exact same thing happens in reverse, with no fanfare, because its a pretty normal thing to do.

For what purpose would spiritual resources be devoted to hindering only progress that I initiate in a relationship?  Well if it conditions me to always wait for the girl to move things forward, then it paralysis my role in the relationship.  Even if the relationship does eventually move forward on the girl's terms, that is not how God intended the genders to relate to one another.  Males are supposed to be the leaders, and so if the Spirit of Rejection can prevent me from doing that, then I guess it is an effective tool in that spiritual battle.

I am quite capable of taking actions that run a high risk of rejection, if I believe it is the right thing to do.  Regardless of that pattern, I am a strong and persistent individual, so I don't let it stop me from trying.  But it is extremely discouraging to observe that trend, and I am beginning to recognize how it affects my interactions with others at a subconscious level.  It definitely saps my confidence in certain contexts,  In my last post, I was asking what the difference between going out as friends and specifically dating is.  A long pattern of rejection in that sphere may be the only real difference.  I still take actions in that sphere, but I always fine them challenging and stressful.  The exact same actions outside of that sphere are no problem.

What is it that makes Dating so Difficult?

I have been learning more about dating in its various forms this year.  The idea of selecting someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with, out of a pool of strangers, is still unfathomable to me.  I am not very good at deliberately starting relationships of any sort, although I am a little better at further developing the ones that I have managed to stumble into.  But the process of someone going from being a stranger to...well: not-a-stranger, is something I have trouble with. 

If we combine this with the pressure or expectations that the idea of "dating" usually entails, the whole process does not seem appealing in the slightest.  I don't know exactly how to describe the element that "dating" adds to the equation, beyond just getting to know each other, but it definitely adds a different factor.

This was made especially clear by a situation in reverse last week.  I went on a "date" (depending on how broad you want to use that term) out to dinner with a girl last week.  Technically I asked her to dinner, but only after she made it pretty clear that she was open to the idea. (I usually miss some of those subtle cues, but she didn't leave much doubt, albeit in a fairly slick and graceful way.)  I almost felt conned into doing it as she walked away, if it wasn't for the fact that I found her attractive.  Then the question arises, how should this be handled?  What does "going to dinner together" really mean to her?

It came out later, while we were working out the logistics of when and where, that she has a boyfriend.  And one she moved to out California four years ago to be with, which I am going to interpret as a serious relationship.  I guess that answers the previous question: "not much."  So we met for dinner, and we talked about all sorts of things, and it was actually quite fun.  I didn't feel any pressure, and wasn't wondering how she felt about what was happening.  When we were done, I walked her to her car: big hug, with an excited reference to next time.  Pretty much like when I go to dinner with one of my close friends, but she was practically a stranger.  I guess this is how you "make friends" and I am just unversed in the practice.

At the end of the day, when I end up going on a "real" date (whatever that is) I wouldn't mind it going exactly like that, except with a girl who was actually available.  But if she was available, I don't think I would have been able to relax and enjoy myself.  Why is that?  The only real differences would be entirely in my head.  Previously I would have written off the potential difference in my perspective to the fact that she was basically a stranger.  But in this case I was fine, so clearly that's not the issue.  Whatever that difference is, I am going to need to figure out how to get over it.

One possibility, which I will examine next time, is that it may be rooted in the "spirit of rejection," and the ways in which that has manifested itself in my life over the last 15 years.  But I am only just beginning to learn about what that means, and the other spiritual aspects that affect our relationships with others.