Helping People

God clearly calls us to help other people, both through what is written in the Bible, and the way that we humans are wired to interact with one another.  But that isn't always as simple as it may seem.  Sometimes the things that we do in an attempt to assist someone, actually put them in a worse position in the long run.  For example, giving money to a drug addict feeds his habit.  You don’t want to be in the position of enabling someone’s bad habit.

Some problems in life can be solved by writing a big enough check, and others can not.  I find it amusing whenever someone who is used to throwing money at problems finds one they can't solve with that approach.  This happens a lot in Hollywood, where producers think they can do whatever they want. ("This idea is physically impossible."  "Okay, but tell me, how much do you think it would cost to make it work.")  Never make the mistake of assuming that a given problem can be solved by writing a big enough check, although that may be all that is missing in some cases.  In situations where that won’t solve the root problem, adding money to the equation only makes things worse.

The world is full of people with all sorts of different issues.  Sometimes the issues are quite obvious, and other people can help them overcome them.  Others are beneath the surface, and only the resulting symptoms are visible.  Alleviating those outward symptoms only prolongs the problem, since it removes the incentive to confront and deal with the root issues.  I have been very conscious of something I learned from a relationship a couple years ago.  "You can't help someone if they don't want to be helped."  Until someone is in a place where they are ready to make a change in their life, any assistance you try to render them, and will be viewed (somewhat accurately) as an attempt to control them.

My more recent epiphany takes that idea a step farther.  “You can't protect someone from themself,” and to try will only make things worse.  Some situations happen to people, by no fault of their own.  Other situations people find themselves in as a result of their own decisions.  People need to face the consequences of the decisions they have made, or they will never grow.  Now if the consequences of their decision would preclude growth,  (i.e. their mistake might get them killed) then it is right to intervene.  But if someone quits their job, it is okay for them to have to make some financial sacrifices as a result of that decision.  If they destroy a relationship, they are going to have to take the initiative to rebuild it.

Some people have a strong subconscious urge to flee conflict in any form.  It can be really hard to solve that problem, because anyone else who recognizes that pattern will be afraid to confront them about it.  And if they do, the other party will just flee, further perpetuating the problem, and preventing them from overcoming it.  As noted earlier, until they desire to change that, not much can be done to help them.

Appropriate Affection

I had an interesting experience a few months back, that has caused me to re-evaluate the boundaries I have and why.  I was watching a movie with a friend of mine, when suddenly she leaned up against me.  Now I close enough with this individual to have openly established that we aren't going to be developing a romantic relationship any time soon.  So I did not assume that she was trying to move things in that direction, but I did wonder whether or not I should do something to reciprocate her gesture.  After thinking about it for a second, I opted not to, and just simply passively accepted the new position.  We finished watching the movie, and then proceeded on to other things.  Later she asked, "did me sitting that close bother you?"

"Bother me, no not at all.  I actually kind of enjoyed it, but it did make me wonder what was going on in your mind, and if I should have responded."  She then basically made a big deal of apologizing for doing that, and promised to never do it again, regardless of the fact that I didn't think she had necessarily done anything inappropriate or wrong.  The only aspect of it that I could imagine being bothered by, was that it sent a bit of a mixed message after previous conversations we had had, and females are confusing enough as it is.  Ironically I was probably more bothered by her strong regret than I was by her original gesture.  I make a point of giving her a hug when I see her; it’s good for her, to stretch those boundaries a bit.

The issue came up again a few weeks later, when we were discussing situations in which I tend to take an active or passive approach to interactions with other people.  I feel that I am very passive in regards to physical interactions, especially with girls, but only because girl's boundaries in that regard vary so much between individuals.  Taking a more passive approach is less likely to unexpectedly offend someone, or make them uncomfortable.  When we talked about it again, she was even more strongly opposed to what she had done, and talked about repenting of it and such.  She basically seemed to believe that even holding hands with someone of the opposite gender is wrong, unless you are actually married to them.

I would agree that if she believed it was wrong when she did it, then it was wrong for her to do it, but that is the logical flip side of deception.  If you do something that is wrong, but have no idea, then that isn't necessarily sinful.  But it was only wrong to do because she believed that is not what God wanted her to do.  Now personally, I think that specific conviction is ridiculous, but my initial reaction was to just dismiss it as people having different comfort zones.  But the more I have thought about it, the more confident I am that this boundary is actively opposed to how God would want us to interact.  The Bible talks a lot about the importance of love, and loving those around us.

While I am not necessarily very good at implementing it, it seems generally accepted that physical contact is an important part of communicating love.  More so, this friend tells me that she considers it her primary "love language."  So her boundaries entirely cut off that method of communicating love.  If someone was that deliberate about consciously ignoring any of the other basic love languages, that would be frowned upon as selfish and unloving.  But certain circles seem to encourage that approach to nearly all physical contact, which I don't think is healthy or wise.

Now to be clear, there is a difference between affectionate contact, and sexual contact, but I would classify sexual as anything remotely involving in the genitals, and I am not advocating widespread sharing of love that way.  But affectionate, non-sexual, physical contact is not inherently inappropriate, even between members of the opposite gender.  The specifics will depend on the situation and the culture.  In certain corporate environments, anything beyond a handshake can potentially be seen as sexual harassment, but in Europe a kiss is a standard greeting gesture.  With people I know, a hug usually seems appropriate.  As noted earlier, I usually wait for the other party to initiate that the first time.  Once they do, I have no hesitation to initiate that in the future, but I know they are comfortable with it by that point.  But I very rarely just go out on a limb in that regard.  Females are stereotypically more affectionate by nature, so it seems appropriate let them take the first step in most cases, especially if we just met.

Truth: Belief vs. Reality

What you believe doesn't matter compared to what is actually true.  From a spiritual perspective, a belief in God or Jesus isn't very significant unless that belief is actually true in reality.  If it turns out that a Christian's belief in God is actually wrong, then the fact that they had tremendous faith in that belief doesn't matter at all.  People these days seem to have the idea that what you believe about something matters more than the reality of what you are believing in.

Having faith in something doesn't make it true, nor does it make it more likely to be true.  Similarly, lots of people believing something doesn't make it any more true.  Supposedly a thousand years ago, lots of people believed that the earth was the center of the universe.  That still didn't make it true.  It is possible for individuals to be deceived, which leads to people having faith in things that aren't true.  Therefore, it is possible for groups of individuals to all be deceived as well.  And since our society seems to be removing cultural obstacles to deceptive practices, expect a lot more people to be a lot more deceived in the future.  Truth is no longer valued the way it has been in the past.

Timothy Keller has a great line that illustrates the problem with that approach: "Strong faith in a weak branch is fatally inferior to weak faith in a strong branch."  As a guy who spends a lot of time climbing trees, I really like that example.  The interesting thing about the scenario he presents is that both cases preclude forward progress or growth.  Strong faith in a weak branch can lead to a jarring fall, no matter how much faith you have in it.  Having more faith in it could actually lead to a worse fall, instead of carefully testing it before fully rusting it.  That fall may prevent one from trusting ANY branches in the future.  But weak faith in a strong branch will also halt progress upward.  Believing that a branch isn't strong enough to support you, will stop you from utilizing it on your accent.  So, upward progress requires both the discernment to identify weak branches, and also the faith to actually trust your life on ones that are solid.

Spiritual growth works the same way.  We must be able to identify deceptive falsehoods about God and his purposes for us.  But we must have enough trust to be able to believe the truth that God is constantly revealing to us.  Otherwise we will never be able to develop spiritually, and grow closer to God.  It is the nature of relationships to be dynamic, constantly strengthening or fading, and there is no reason to think that a relationship with God would be any different.

That growth based on trust is the foundation for other relationships as well.  One of the interesting things about marriage (I am told, from multiple sources) is that you never stop learning more about your spouse.  This should not be too surprising, since most people would agree that you never stop learning about yourself.  This is partially due to the fact that people are always growing and changing.  But people are incredibly complicated, and no one but God can really know everything about us.

Waiting

I have been doing a lot of waiting recently.  I consider myself to be a very patient person, but I am beginning to recognize that I too have my limits.  I am discovering that buying a house is an exercise in waiting, especially a foreclosed house, held by an out-of-state bank.  I’m waiting for real estate agents, mortgage brokers, appraisers, title agents, and many others, to all do their little piece of the puzzle.  Having a preset closing date would alleviate much of my anxiety in that regard, if it wasn’t for the fact that each party in the process is constantly asking me to push that date farther out.

Unrelated to that, I have been trying to get a hold of someone else for weeks, for something simple.  After no answer to my calls, emails, texts, and messages, I resorted to trying to contact him through other people in his family, his brother and his wife, but still no response.  The entire issue could be resolved in five minutes, at no expense to anyone,

I have a variety of other dialogs in progress at the moment, none of which are waiting on my participation.  Most of them are my efforts to reach out to help others, trying to donate things as I finish settling my mom's estate and cleaning out her house before I move.  It is stereotypical for people to ignore those who want something from them (salesmen, bill collectors, etc.) as opposed to those who have something for them.  But that has not been my experience, especially recently.

I have known for quite a while that the one thing that really frustrates me, is being ignored.  To this point, that is an experience that has primarily been limited to my interactions with female friends.  I very rarely find myself being ignored in the business world, nor by my family or other friends.  (I just seem to have been uniquely blessed with a number of close female friends, who seem to struggle with reliable communication and organization, so I probably unfairly associate that as a distinctly female trait.)  So I had previously assumed that my strong reaction to being ignored was rooted in the emotions that are attached in some way to any relationship with a member of the opposite gender, since that is the primary context in which I experienced that frustration.  But my current situations would indicate that in reality, it is just being ignored in any form that really makes me angry.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I have never let something slip through the cracks.  But that second message, "still waiting for such-and-such," is usually a big wake up call for me.  I see ignoring someone as disrespectful, something I am sensitive to in both directions, since deliberate or not, it is an indication of what we value.  I feel guilty if I don't get back to someone else, even accidently, and angry frustration when they don't get back to me.  Sometimes it is justified, other times the junk mail filter or some other practical consideration is to blame.  So I should probably reserve judgment in those situations until I have a complete picture of what is going on.  But that requires a lot of patience.

Saying Good-Bye

No, don't let the title fool you, I am not saying good-bye.  Actually, I have never really said good-bye, I realized today.  At least not in the permanent sense, in person, to someone who can hear me.  All of my family members who have passed away, did so unexpectedly, without warning.  So I have never experienced the process of saying good-bye to someone who is not expected to live much longer.

A friend of mine lost his wife a couple hours ago.  It was not unexpected, but no less tragic.  She leaves behind a husband and four young children, after a year-long battle with various forms of cancer.  She isn't someone I was particularly close to, but her husband had a significant impact on my spiritual development.  The aspect of all of this that stands out to me the most is that her family has known this was coming for the last month.  So they took a vacation last week, to build positive happy memories together.  Anything related to someone knowingly facing the last few days of their life must be pretty intense.  But that was part of their process of saying good-bye.

The extremity of that potential situation is what brought to my attention the fact that I have never dealt with anything quite like that.  The two closest times, were with the passing of my grandmother and my mom.  My grandmother survived for two weeks after having a stroke, but since she never regained consciousness, there was never that opportunity to say good-bye.  It is impossible to know whether she could still hear people around her, but most of the intensity comes relating to the perspective of the one facing death.  The older someone is when they pass away, the less intense it usually is.  Death is expected to happen eventually, and they have less to lose, having expended their potential in a full life.

In the case with my mom, technically I did have the chance to say good-bye.  I think my exact words were "see you later," or possibly, "see you tomorrow."  She was being kept in the hospital for observation, and was expected to be released the following morning, since they couldn't find anything wrong with her.  And I did say good-bye to her the following morning as well, but she couldn’t hear me at that point.  I only spent one day at the hospital with her in ICU, not knowing what (if anything) was wrong, and that was a pretty tough experience.  I can't imagine doing that on and off for a year, with frequently more negative prognosis’s.  I think I prefer things like that happening without warning, and being over quickly.  I may have inherited that view from my Mom, because I know she felt that way, even about her own potential death.

A lot of people don’t like saying good-bye, even in a short-term sense, whether it is saying good-bye to everyone at camp at the end of a summer, or a wife watching her husband setting out on deployment.   This is drawn out even further if departure is somehow delayed.  I don’t see those extensions as painful so much as awkward.  I don’t want to miss saying good-bye to someone, but I also don’t like continuing to run into them for another couple hours if schedules are loose in that regard.  Other people cope by completely avoiding the good-bye process, and treating it the same as if they were heading out to lunch, and would be back in an hour.  I think that might be a bit extreme, and that there is some value in directly acknowledging that a person will be missed.

I was talking about the more permanent situations with a friend of mine this afternoon, and she said that she preferred the long, drawn-out, intense, tearful good-bye to the unexpected death.  Having experienced both ways, she is qualified to have that opinion.  I have never dealt with the scenario of having warning of someone's impending death, but the idea doesn't seem appealing.  Now maybe that is just because I am scared of the unknown, and while I am fine with regular good-byes, I have never dealt with acknowledging something like that.  But I know I have survived dealing with unexpected deaths, and I feel like I prefer it that way.  Regardless of whether or not someone has a terminal illness, each time you see them could potentially be the last.  Tragic as those types of circumstances are, it is easy to see how God can use them to give the rest of us perspective on our daily "struggles" and help us appreciate the presence of those he has placed around us.

Shame-All in One’s Head

As I pointed out in my last post, many things we are ashamed of or self-conscious about are primarily based on our internal perspective of our lives.  Not necessarily on the reality of the situations we are in.  But an example based on appearance was probably not the best way to illustrate that.  A better, non-appearance related manifestation of shame, would be a man's potential shame in not being able to fully provide for his family on his own.  This is something I have to be sensitive to when trying to help out other people in that regard.  Non-financial assistance is much less likely to trigger that form of shame.

The closest thing I can relate to that experience is shame that I don't have a family to support.  Shame is a pretty strong word for that, but in the right vein.  It is not necessarily shameful to not have a family, but being as how that is a conscious goal in my life, and has been for a long time, it represents a something significant that I have failed to accomplish at this point.  So I see that as a failure, when from a certain objective viewpoint, it is just a fact: I am single.  Other people in the exact same position, see that as a success.  It means that they have avoided commitment, getting tied down to a spouse, or getting pregnant, and still have their freedom and independence.

I have had multiple talks with friends in LA recently, who have very different values in regards to family.   I staged questions in the most rhetorical way I could, to favor the fulfillment and value in raising a family, and still did not get the answer I was expecting.  “So looking back twenty years from now, are you going to think: I am sure glad I did another 4 or 5 movie?”

“I know, some people just lose track of their priorities, and are deluding themselves into thinking what they doing is meaningful.”  I nod, thinking we are on the same page, as they continue.  “But every time I see someone married with kids, and she says she’s doing great, I think: you’re lying to yourself.”  Um…maybe not.  I can’t believe people think that way.  And people older than me technically are farther behind in the process of having kids, but the average age of a parent in Hollywood is 35-40.  But they don’t see that as a failure, and would instead be ashamed of caving to society’s pressure to follow the traditional route of getting married and having kids.

I also technically don’t have a regular full-time job, and have zero job security on paper.  Not having a job easily could represent a failure to be ashamed of, but in my case it represents success.  I am able to support myself by working on occasional projects, and am respected in my industry without having to maintain a full time presence.   Other people in that position, not having a stable job, or secure source of income, would consider that to be a failure to be ashamed of.  So the shame aspect is not based on the facts of the situation, but is in one’s head.  Two people with differing goals and values could find themselves in similar situations and have totally different perspectives, in regards to being proud or ashamed of their lives.  Failure is something I would identify with shame, as opposed to defect, which my logical mind usually distinguishes fairly strongly from shame.  But sometimes failure is something that can't be helped.

I have realized there are some situations that can’t be helped, that regardless of logic, I can imagine feeling shame about.  One of my friends recently had one of his “balls” removed due to cancer.  Not something that can be helped, nor anyone’s fault, but luckily has little impact on functionality, since there is a second healthy one.  But when I imagine what it would be like to reveal that issue to my (hypothetical) girlfriend, I cringe at the idea.  I know this would be an irrational (but very much real) manifestation of shame.  Guys irrationally draw at least a part of their identity from their “manhood,” similar to how girls draw part of their identity from their appearance.  Viewed in that light, I can relate to potential shame more than I originally recognized, especially of things that we “can’t help.”  I am just fortunate enough not to experience it to frequently.

The Appearance of Shame

I came across an interesting quote in C.S.Lewis’s epic novel Til We Have Faces: “Don't you think the things people are most ashamed of are the things they can't help?”  It is said by a character in regards to her appearance, but implied to apply elsewhere.  Being a rather logical person, I don't think this principle affects me as much as others, but I see it at work in the lives of those around me.

I am lucky enough to be blessed with a relatively healthy body and a sound mind, so I am reasonably strong and fit, and can see and hear well.  I have a good memory and can think fast.  I am disciplined and perseverant in most aspects of life.  Being without any significant defect or disadvantage, it could be argued that I am not qualified to discuss shame.  In reality, there are things about myself that I am ashamed of, but they are things that (I am at least under the illusion that) I have control over.  If I didn't believe I had control over them, I would simply dismiss them as "just the way God made me."  But I admittedly don't struggle with any issues that are easily visible to others, and directly impact my outward image (Besides my obvious lack of any fashion sense, but I can joke about that without shame, so I don't think that qualifies).

That idea of shame ties in strongly with the idea I discussed previously, about people being comfortable with who they are, and their appearance.  Not being comfortable with their outward appearance causes people try to change it, either to hide whatever aspect they are ashamed of, or to distract from it.  Once again, I do nothing to alter my appearance, because I am totally comfortable with how I look.  I am not arrogant enough to think I look particularly spectacular, but I recognized that I naturally look a certain way, and I am not going to try to change that.  In my opinion, most of the changes that people make to deliberately alter there appearance aren't necessarily improvements.  I am convinced that most of the benefits of those changes are entirely in their heads.

For example, as a nice little illustration of that, think about certain people's approach to wearing glasses.  Glasses can have a fairly dramatic effect on one's physical appearance.  And while glasses do imply a defect in one's vision, with 75% of people requiring some level of correction, that isn't the aspect that most people are self conscious about, as opposed to the effect on their appearance.  Some people never take their glasses off, and feel very vulnerable without them.  Besides improving their vision, it also gives them something to hide behind, from a psychological perspective.  Other people avoid being seen wearing their glasses at all, basically feeling the opposite way.  That basically goes to show that it is primarily an internal subjective feeling, as opposed to an objective reality about looking better or worse.  But I believe most things related to outward appearance are that way.  The end result is that some people are ashamed (or at least self conscious) to be seen wearing glasses, while others seem to feel naked without them.  Either way, they can’t help the fact that their vision needs some form of correction.  The only difference between these two reactions to that problem is in the minds of the people involved, and their perception of their own identity.  I find myself noticing when things like that happen, because I am always trying to look past the veil of the public image that people are deliberately projecting of themselves.  Depending on the person, that view can come from seeing someone take their glasses off, or by someone else putting theirs on.