Appropriate Affection

I had an interesting experience a few months back, that has caused me to re-evaluate the boundaries I have and why.  I was watching a movie with a friend of mine, when suddenly she leaned up against me.  Now I close enough with this individual to have openly established that we aren't going to be developing a romantic relationship any time soon.  So I did not assume that she was trying to move things in that direction, but I did wonder whether or not I should do something to reciprocate her gesture.  After thinking about it for a second, I opted not to, and just simply passively accepted the new position.  We finished watching the movie, and then proceeded on to other things.  Later she asked, "did me sitting that close bother you?"

"Bother me, no not at all.  I actually kind of enjoyed it, but it did make me wonder what was going on in your mind, and if I should have responded."  She then basically made a big deal of apologizing for doing that, and promised to never do it again, regardless of the fact that I didn't think she had necessarily done anything inappropriate or wrong.  The only aspect of it that I could imagine being bothered by, was that it sent a bit of a mixed message after previous conversations we had had, and females are confusing enough as it is.  Ironically I was probably more bothered by her strong regret than I was by her original gesture.  I make a point of giving her a hug when I see her; it’s good for her, to stretch those boundaries a bit.

The issue came up again a few weeks later, when we were discussing situations in which I tend to take an active or passive approach to interactions with other people.  I feel that I am very passive in regards to physical interactions, especially with girls, but only because girl's boundaries in that regard vary so much between individuals.  Taking a more passive approach is less likely to unexpectedly offend someone, or make them uncomfortable.  When we talked about it again, she was even more strongly opposed to what she had done, and talked about repenting of it and such.  She basically seemed to believe that even holding hands with someone of the opposite gender is wrong, unless you are actually married to them.

I would agree that if she believed it was wrong when she did it, then it was wrong for her to do it, but that is the logical flip side of deception.  If you do something that is wrong, but have no idea, then that isn't necessarily sinful.  But it was only wrong to do because she believed that is not what God wanted her to do.  Now personally, I think that specific conviction is ridiculous, but my initial reaction was to just dismiss it as people having different comfort zones.  But the more I have thought about it, the more confident I am that this boundary is actively opposed to how God would want us to interact.  The Bible talks a lot about the importance of love, and loving those around us.

While I am not necessarily very good at implementing it, it seems generally accepted that physical contact is an important part of communicating love.  More so, this friend tells me that she considers it her primary "love language."  So her boundaries entirely cut off that method of communicating love.  If someone was that deliberate about consciously ignoring any of the other basic love languages, that would be frowned upon as selfish and unloving.  But certain circles seem to encourage that approach to nearly all physical contact, which I don't think is healthy or wise.

Now to be clear, there is a difference between affectionate contact, and sexual contact, but I would classify sexual as anything remotely involving in the genitals, and I am not advocating widespread sharing of love that way.  But affectionate, non-sexual, physical contact is not inherently inappropriate, even between members of the opposite gender.  The specifics will depend on the situation and the culture.  In certain corporate environments, anything beyond a handshake can potentially be seen as sexual harassment, but in Europe a kiss is a standard greeting gesture.  With people I know, a hug usually seems appropriate.  As noted earlier, I usually wait for the other party to initiate that the first time.  Once they do, I have no hesitation to initiate that in the future, but I know they are comfortable with it by that point.  But I very rarely just go out on a limb in that regard.  Females are stereotypically more affectionate by nature, so it seems appropriate let them take the first step in most cases, especially if we just met.