On the Consumption of Alcohol - From One Who Can't Get Drunk

Alcohol is an interesting substance.  Its use is another controversial topic from a Christian perspective.  Similar to sexual issues, it is addressed directly in the Bible, but many aspects are open to interpretation.  Abusing alcohol, by drinking too much or too frequently is explicitly prohibited.  But some Christians have erected other "fences" around the issue, using those limits to justify outlawing all consumption of alcohol.  While that may be an acceptable outcome, doing something for the wrong reasons will eventually lead to problems.

Jesus’ first recorded miracle as to turn water into wine.  Jesus shared wine at the last supper, presumably red wine since it represented his blood.  Paul advises Timothy to drink wine instead of water exclusively.  So clearly the Bible does not completely prohibit the consumption of alcohol.

There are lots of potential negative consequences of drinking alcohol, especially as usage increases.  It impedes one's judgment, and relaxes their control over their actions.  This could encourage someone to do something we will later regret, especially if it is something they would not normally have otherwise done.  In this modern age, drunk driving also endangers the lives of innocent bystanders.

So I don't think there is anything wrong with taking a stand against drinking, and even encouraging others to abstain as well, but doing so based on the idea that it is prohibited in the Bible is the wrong approach.  If you are going to completely abstain from alcohol, do it because of the natural consequences as opposed to because God doesn't want us to drink, as if there is some intrinsic evil property to alcohol.  Now God may not want a certain individual to drink, as in the case of a Nazarite, (see Samson-Judges 13) but that is a case for select individuals, and should not be used to govern the general population.

I have a much more impartial perspective on this topic than on the sexual one, because I have no personal interest or struggle with this issue.  I don't even like drinking, so I am not necessarily bothered by that option being taken away, but I also don't like seeing people deceived about the nature of God, and what he says.

I drink very rarely, not because I think it is wrong, but because I don't particularly enjoy it.  I don't usually like the taste, and between having a high metabolism, and a strong stomach, alcohol has very little effect on me.  I have had people in college try to get me drunk, and I played along, out of curiosity I guess, but never felt any different from the experience.  The best they could say was that after a lot to drink, I seemed a little more relaxed.  But it never really appealed to me in the slightest, so I only do it once or twice a year, when the situation calls for it in the name of being polite.  (My brother on the other hand joined a fraternity in college.)

I recently removed a number of pictures from my Facebook profile that showed me drinking.  I put off doing that for a long time, because it felt disingenuous to artificially modify the image projected there, because I have nothing to hide in that regard.  But because the occasion of my concession to have a drink is so rare, it is usually an event unto itself for my colleagues (or a Kodak moment).  This had led to a disproportionate number of those types of photos online, which I eventually realized justified an intervention on my part in the name of accuracy.  But in general I don't try to mold my image so much as I try to mold my life.

Obviously alcohol should not be abused or used in excess, so that means it should be used with care.  This is due to both God's statements about drunkenness in the Bible, and the clear practical realities.  I personally see no reason not to totally abstain from drinking as well, but I would do so based on the potential consequences, not because God prohibits it.  And I would also advise being carefully about judging others for their choices in that regard.  But as for me, I will continue to do so sparingly, when it seems appropriate for social reasons.

Urgent Reasons for Marriage

It is interesting to see how the last few post evolved from relationships and marriage to sex and marriage.  I got onto the relationship focus as I read through the middle of 1st Corinthians.   Then sitting in on a couple of sermons during a singles retreat at the camp I was working at, shifted my mindset towards the struggle against lust.  I have one more set of thoughts to post before I turn the topic elsewhere, as to not get too rutted in a single subject.

Paul tells us we should aim to be content in all things.  I would say that I am as content as I can imagine being in my current position.  I do believe that marriage and raising a family will "improve" my life at some point in the future, but it will also add difficulties I can't even fathom right now.  I ready to accept those difficulties, because from a certain perspective, I have pretty well conquered my current phase in life, and I am looking for what is next.  Now I was successful in that previous phase because with God's help, I approached it carefully and deliberately, with reasonable goals.  So I don't want to rush in to anything in whatever the "next" phase is, but I am trying to prepare for it properly.

Wanting to get married for its own sake is not a good foundation point, so I try to keep things in balance by waiting for the Lord's timing.  But I try to be prepared for the opportune moment, when the rights door is opened to me.  Patience is a challenge, but why?  What is the urgency we feel for things we desire?  The end of my last post prompted me to re-examine my motivations and desires.

Sexual desire is one reason that I want to get married, and it is one of the issues that makes that topic more urgent in my mind.  It's not the only factor, but I will admit that it plays a role in my priorities in that regard.  If I lost the desire or ability to have sex, I would still want to get married.  Sex is an important aspect of marriage, but not the primary focus.  In that case, I would still want someone else to share life with.  But admittedly the issue would become less urgent.

On the other hand if the girl I was interested in marrying had an issue that prevented a "regular" sexual relationship, that would be a similar but different problem from the previous one, because it involves more sacrifice, from a certain perspective. (Willingly giving up something that is already gone in the first case) While I am sure it would cause me to take pause, and pray about whether that was really where God was leading me, it wouldn't be a deal breaker.  If the issue was purely psychological instead of physical, I would see that as a bigger problem, because that would be a more significant difference between us, and our perspectives and values.  I would have an issue with that difference, on the grounds that I am looking for someone I have a lot in common with, and those desires are a significant part of who I am.  If the issue was simply a physical problem, then it would be less troubling in my mind, because characteristics of our body are less reflective of whom we are on the inside.  Regardless, the end result would be the same, in that marriage would not lead to the anticipated healthy outlet for sexual desires, which would no doubt be tough, but would reveal the true depths of the feelings involved in that relationship.

The intent of having children is a practical factor that relates to both sexual functionality (for reproduction), and a the sense of urgency, to a degree.  My 62 year old uncle got married and had a kid in the last two years.  I would prefer to start that process at a much younger age, so that I can keep up with my kids, energy-wise, not to mention live to see them graduate college.  While I would love to hurry the process along, the wise course of action appears to wait for God to open the right doors.  (So hopefully he starts doing that pretty soon;)

The Biblical Relationship between Sex and Marriage

Most of the Bible's references to the link between sex and marriage are indirect, assuming that the link is familiar to the reader, without ever directly spelling it out.  I am not trying to disagree with that perspective, but to learn about God's intent for that both sex and marriage by exploring the link between the two.

I have a pretty clear idea of what sex is, although I don't really understand why I find it so desirable, nor why God created it that way.  On the other hand it makes perfect sense to me why marriage is desirable, and why God created it: "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." (Genesis 2:18)  But it is less clear what exactly marriage is, and is our modern implementation of it what God intended?  And how does that relate to sexual intimacy?

There are obvious and clear consequences, both physical and psychological, of sexual intimacy.  The possibilities of pregnancy at an inconvenient time, as well as the issue of STDs are physical risks.  The psychological consequences are the bonds formed by sex, which some people refer to as "soul-ties," as well as the potential feelings of guilt and regret.  Sex clearly has an impact on the relationship between the participants.

From a purely logical perspective, marriage lowers those risks.  It is difficult for two virgins to contract an STD from each other.  Marriage (ideally) provides a stable environment for potentially raising a child.  The level of commitment between the involved parties should overcome any potential psychological changes to their relationship.  So it is not illogical to link sex with marriage, but there is a big difference between something being imprudent or risky, and it being morally wrong.

What other aspect of Biblical morality changes so much depending on the context?  Imagine a man and woman in a room together, and they are having sex. (Don't get too carried away;)  What they are doing is either very wrong or very right, but the only differentiating point is this thing marriage.  Did Adam and Eve get married?  What is marriage really?  At a certain level, marriage is a covenant commitment.  It is also a legal status, an event in time, an extension of a family, and a physical illustration of a spiritual reality.  What aspect of marriage is the part that suddenly makes sexual intimacy morally acceptable?

One more complication is that the Bible clearly allows for men to have multiple wives.  If we are to view marriage as an illustration of how our relationship with God is supposed to look, (as the bride of Christ) this is a one-to-many type relationship as well.  Now I have no interest in having more than one wife, but the concept of being married to more than one person definitely challenges my modern conception of what marriage is supposed to be (Finding my other half).  Biblically, the reason why sex is linked to marriage may have more to do with the fact that women needed men to commit to protect and provide for them (and the children that sex produced), as opposed to some overly spiritualized magical effect of marriage on the relationship. (see Deuteronomy 25:5)

One result of this link is that desire for sexual intimacy becomes a motivation for marriage.  I can see both good and bad sides to this.  If we assume that the differences between males and females make them ideally suited to help each other in pairs, and therefore marriage is inherently beneficial to them, then factors encouraging marriage are good.  But there is more to marriage than just sex, so strong sexual urges could lead to marriage for the wrong reasons, which would be a negative effect.

The Power of Lust, and the Power of Weakness

By certain definitions, lust can apply to many things, but I will limit this post to how it applies to sex.  In a general sense, lust is defined as a self-absorbed desire.  Contrast this with the fact that sex was designed to be a relational bond, and any selfish approach towards it is clear to cause problems.  Besides the selfish issue, lust for anything is a sign of priorities out of order.  The Bible lays out a host of specific boundaries, as well as a number of principles, limiting how sexual desires should be gratified, and most lustful desires fall outside of those boundaries

Sex or lust is the only "vice" that I feel any temptation towards.  I don't smoke, not because it’s bad for one’s health, but because I have not even the remotest desire to try it.  And while I occasionally have a drink to be social, I have no real interest in that activity.  And drugs are totally off my radar; I usually even avoid taking medication unless I really need it.  But I can relate to people's fascination with and interest in sex. (Not necessarily all of those interests, but the general struggle with lust in its many forms)

Lust is an extra challenging struggle, for a number of reasons.  For one, the problem can exist entirely in your mind, even if you exercise complete control over your physical actions.  I have always found the idea of controlling my thoughts to be a bit ridiculous: my mind goes a mile a minute, and I have enough trouble steering thoughts in the right direction, (staying focused and avoiding distractions) that I can’t fathom stopping any from ever going in the wrong direction.  Beyond the psychological aspects, there is an obvious biological element that plays a role in how and when the problem manifests. (Supposedly that is true of drug addictions and such as well, but I have no experience with that.)  Lack of a healthy outlet for sexual desire is not the source of lust, but it definitely can increase the issue by another order of magnitude.

Part of me is aware that: if it wasn't for this one weakness, I would find it much more difficult to relate to other people's consistent moral struggles.  Since there is at least one aspect of my life or thoughts that I don't wield complete conscious control over, I have a lot more sympathy and compassion for the struggles and failures of others.  I am not perfect by any means, but that is the one issue which consistently illustrates to me my own shortcomings and weaknesses.

Besides the effect that it has on my perspective of others, weakness towards lust also plays a significant role in my relationship with God.  Being conscious of my own weakness makes it easier to recognize my dependence on his mercy, both in forgiveness for past transgressions and strength to avoid future ones.  I have by now figured out that it is not a problem that I can solve on my own.

In his book "The Screwtape Letters," C.S.Lewis refers to the idea that God can grant a reprieve in regards to lust: "the Enemy (God) has, for the time being, put a forcible end to your direct attacks on the patient's chastity."  I would love to know what exactly he is referring to here, since I have yet to experience it, but others have described something similar to me.  While I have, at moments, found it easier than usual to prevail in the constant struggle with lust, those periods of time are much shorter than the months that are alluded to in the book.  This is followed shortly thereafter by the statement that: "your man has now discovered the dangerous truth that these attacks don't last forever" which is something that I am also still waiting to discover.  I have difficulty believing that this is a realistic possibility, “but with God all things are possible.” (Matt 19:26)

Sex (That Ought to Increase my Search Engine Optimization)

It would seem that no other word elicits such a strong reaction in our culture as the word "sex."  In its simplest sense, it refers to the concept of gender, but most frequently it refers to a set of intimate actions.  Those actions are some of the most controversial ideas in our culture.  The spectrum of different meanings and values assigned to those actions by different groups is wider than any other possible topic.

From a certain perspective, most of the actual actions that are encompassed by the term "sex" would seem totally absurd to an asexual entity. (You're going to do what?)  But humans seem to have some innate predisposition towards those things, which defies logic and reason.  The only aspect of sex that is logical is the part it plays in the reproductive process.  And that only applies to the most basic forms, and in no way explains the pleasure aspect of sexuality.  Sexual desires are very powerful, and powerful things can be dangerous if not handled with care.  The liberal approach of embracing every sexual pleasure has led to the development of all sorts of strange variations and permutations, which are clearly getting out of control.

From a conservative perspective, sex in all of its forms, is this "thing" that is viewed as bad, and to be avoided and suppressed for so long, and rarely even talked about.  And then one day when you get married, all of a sudden it is okay, and even a good thing.  That dramatic shift is something I still don't fully understand.  I know all of the facts and details; I just don't understand why God would structure things that way.  Very few other moral things in life change that much depending on the situation.  One thing is for sure, I am completely confident that God intended for people to get married earlier.  That would alleviate much, but not all, of that struggle.

The struggle itself is rooted in the pleasurable aspect of sex, which is something that God clearly created that way.  I have heard a number of intellectual explanations proposed for why he created things that way, but none of them have given me a solid grasp of what his purpose in doing that must have been.  The negative results of that potential pleasure seem to far outweigh the positive ones. (Strengthening aspect of marriage, compared to adultery, lust, deviance, and rape, among other things)  While I look forward to the positive results it should have on my eventual marriage, I find it hard to imagine what it would have to be like to make it worth the problems I see it causing.

Marriage-Can a Relationship Last a Lifetime?

Sustaining any close relationship over a long period of time is very challenging.  Things are always in motion, so people are always getting closer together or farther apart.  This is easy to see in friendships, since they usually have a shorter cycle.  While some friendship last for a long time, they usually fluctuate depending on the season of life, with our closest friends varying over time as we grow.  The issue with marriage is that it has to survive the same natural fluctuations as friendships, but without the resulting lulls.  Constantly growing closer would be ideal, but how can we make that happen?  One thing that I know is possible, is that two people can constantly learn more about each other, and that continuous exploration and discovery will probably help them maintain motion towards each other, as opposed to apart.

The fact that this relationship is between members of opposite genders makes it more challenging, since they come from totally different perspectives.  That difference makes even simple friendship more complicated.  I was unable to develop a simple or relaxed friendship with any girl for many years, not for lack of effort.  Since college, I have had a little more success in that regard, but it is never easy, and sustaining it is even harder.  (Girls just make things complicated;)

Marriage or the potential for it, amps up the emotional aspect of a relationship, with many hopes and dreams wrapped up in the possible outcome.  For some reason this frequently causes people (male and female) to act completely irrationally.  Small conflicts that would normally have no effect on a simple friendship can grow rapidly if left unchecked.  The greater amount of time spent together increases the volume of these potential issues as well.  And having kids would add another order of magnitude as well.

It is interesting to observe the effect that proximity has on a relationship.  In college, or living at camp, people who are “in a relationship” can eat every meal together, even though they aren’t really living together.  The positive side of that constant contact is people get to know each other better, and more genuinely.  On the other hand, out in the real world, the effort required to develop a relationship to that level causes people to have a more full appreciation for what they have invested their life in.  But I would imagine that the default contact of the smaller environment would make for an easier transition to married life, when you are together nearly all the time.

When you are living with someone else as a roommate, while many of your belongings may become physically integrated, for example in the kitchen, there is still a differentiation between what is mine, and what is yours.  Getting married involves totally integrating your lives, and (ideally) those differentiating labels disappear.  There is no longer a mine and yours, but everything is ours.  This should include not just physical belongings, but plans, hopes, and dreams.

Like all things in life worth having, I am sure marriage will require consistent effort and patience.  If at age 75, I am sitting next to my wife on the porch, and we are both still smiling, I’ll know it was worth it.  Until then, I will have to trust my observation of older couples who have succeeded in navigating the course together.  Unfortunately those cases are rarer than they should be, but that doesn’t make them any less powerful of an illustration.

Forms of Social Communication and Their Effect on Dating

Among the other various "rules" of dating, there exists the idea that the guy should call the girl a day or two after a date.  I guess that is supposed to be his signal of continued interest.  Although I have always been aware of this custom, until recently I never really applied it.  One reason for this is that I rarely viewed these planned events as "dates," in regards to all of the extra baggage, (including this idea) that is attached to that term.  In my mind, I was just going somewhere to hang out with a girl.  So I wouldn't necessarily follow up with a call or other message a day or two later.

Not only that, but I actually would do the opposite.  If I spent a few hours talking with someone, they should be all caught up on any "news" in my life, so it will be a while before I have anything else significant to tell them.  Since I don't really make small talk all that well, (which is all that follow up would be) I won't have much to say.  Instead, I wait until it is time to catch up or get together again before contacting them.  I have no idea what impact totally ignoring that custom may have had on my potential relationships, but I will try to be more conscious of it in the future.

That leads to the question of how best to communicate with people in that regard.  This is where I see an option like Facebook as a valuable tool.  It is the least intrusive form of communication that is still reliable.  Email has become very business oriented, at least to the under 40 generation. (Those over forty seem to use it primarily to forward pictures of cats)  Sending an email without much content besides: "Hey what's up?" will stand out in certain circles, same as a phone call can.  Either one can get the legitimate response: "You know, I am at work" but if someone is checking their Facebook messages, clearly that is not an issue for them at the moment.

As an aside, I used to consider text messages to be inherently urgent, back when I was paying ten cents apiece for them. I was stunned to find out that certain friends in college had forwarded their AIM accounts to their phones, while I was sending them "How's it going?" type messages because I thought they must be bored in front of their computer at the moment.  While there is nothing wrong with any of that, the fact that it bothered me probably says something about how I view my value in regards to other people's time.  But it may just be that I didn't like the idea of crying wolf, because normally when I am trying to get a hold of someone, it is for something important.

Anyhow, so Facebook provides a method of communication that only intrudes into someone else's attention when they invite it to do so.  This has given me a forum to do much more social communication than I ever had in the past, and splitting my time between two geographical locations means that all of my friendships are long distance about 50% of the time.  In regards to dating, my only "relationship" since Facebook was invented, involved communication evenly split between phone/txt, Facebook, and Skype chat.  I have over 500 texts accumulated with another friend, since that is her preferred form of communication.  But not much real communication takes place in that medium, especially compared to the extended dialogs I have with people on Facebook over many months.  It is interesting to scroll back through them and see what I was thinking about in the past, and how things have changed since then.  I anticipate a similar experience someday re-reading what I have written on here.