Obstacles to Marriage

I happen to have been reading a lot of books about marriage recently.  I didn't set out to do that deliberately, and there are varying reasons why each one made it on my list, but it has been a consistent theme.  While I very much DO pursue the study of relationships and their development, reading about how to maintain a healthy marriage feels a bit like putting the cart before the horse.

But maybe looking at how to maintain a marriage isn't such a bad idea when exploring who to develop a marriage relationship with.  Better to know what one is looking for before trying to determine how to find them.  While I look forward to getting married, I don't want to rush to impulsively marry the wrong person.

My biggest hope and dream is to have a successful marriage.  I really want to get married, almost as much as I want to NOT get divorced.  In a certain regard, getting married is easy.  It's staying married and maintaining a fulfilling relationship that is the extremely challenging part, for anyone.  Getting married for its own sake or as a response to loneliness is probably the worst idea in the whole world, so I try to maintain a balance in pursuing that goal in a healthy way.

But the big question is, how does one do that?  While I can't know who God has in mind for me to marry, nor how to prepare to meet their specific needs, there are other things I can do to prepare for marriage.  So my primary goal at this point, is to remove any obstacles placed in the path to finding a Godly wife, being a Biblical husband, and having a successful marriage.  I have been working at that for a while, because there are a lot of obstacles to deal with.

First off, I can't be afraid of girls, if I want to marry one someday.  Coming from a family that is nearly all male (and that ratio isn't getting any better in recent months) I have little understanding of the female perspective.  Over the past few years, I have put a lot of effort into interacting with girls and developing friendships with them.  That has been quite successful, and I am now capable of interacting with most females in a much more relaxed fashion.

I also have to be capable of vulnerability and intimacy, which I was not for a long time.  I would attribute working at camp, (and the people I have met there) to my progress in that regard.  It is no coincidence that my first "significant relationship" was developed directly after my first summer working at camp.  I previously feared having a level of connection at that depth, and was unwilling to experience the openness required for it, prior to that point in my life.  I have continued to make large strides in that regard since then.

I only recognized the distance I had come, after a very significant conversation with one of my friends, who had nearly gotten married in the past.  We were extremely close, but not in any romantic sense, so I was using that relationship as an example when explaining to her how I couldn't imagine achieving the deeper level of intimacy required to marry someone.  Her response was that, based on our relationship, there was not some higher order of intimacy that I had yet to experience.  Her contention was that we knew each other well enough to be getting married, that there was not some mysterious deeper level of closeness beyond how close we were.  Obviously a sexual relationship would be physically closer, but since a Biblical perspective presupposes that won't be happening until after marriage, that level of intimacy can't be expected as a prerequisite for getting married.  Realizing the significance of what she was saying made the idea of eventually getting married much less intimidating.  I am capable of being close to someone, it is just a matter of finding someone who is a suitable match to become close with.

The Wrong Side of the Road

Driving through the English countryside has been an interesting experience, and I am not even behind the wheel.  I am just navigating for my brother, who is just focusing on staying on the right side of the road-I mean left.  The signage is better in England than it was in France, but it is far from perfect.  My favorite difference is that if a sign on the left side of the road points right, it actually describes something that is directly ahead.  That caused us all sorts of problems.  The roads all have both names and numbers, but they use them sporadically.  My phone only shows the names, my dad’s map uses the numbers, and the signs usually just display what the road leads to.

I was beginning to doubt that we would survive the trip, after a day or two in England, not from an accident, but from each other.  Things have calmed down a bit over the last few days, as we got more used to things.  (Things referring not so much to English roads as to “occasionally being lost”)  Unlike in France, I do not have a perfect track record for always leading us the right way.  Round-a-bouts and double round-a-bouts can be extremely confusing, and down-right dizzying if you miss your exit on the first pass.  The fact that my phones GPS frequently acts up or is delayed doesn’t help, especially with limited cell service in most rural areas.  It has taken some adjustment to get used to the reality that I am not "always right" in this environment.

I took a spin around the parking lot, but I am quite certain if I were to try driving on the public roads, I would land in the wrong lane at the end of every turn.  It will be interesting how unnatural the right side of the road will feel when I get back to the States next week.

On the flip side, I got a chance to ride in a Formula One car on the British Grand Prix track.  I didn't have to navigate, or worry about anything else for that matter, besides how to stay in my seat when we cornered.  It was a pretty exhilarating ride, blasting down the straight-aways at 150mph.  I am a bit more apprehensive about taking my turn at the wheel when we are back at the track on Monday.  Among other things, clutched manual transmissions are not my favorite thing, even with my dirt-bike, so that will be quite an experience.

Three Engineers in Paris

That sounds like the title for a new movie, or the opening line to a bad joke.  No one in my family speaks a word of French, so I have no idea what possessed us to go spend three days in France.  The French are well known for their distain for Americans, and I am sure we have been feeding their stereotypes over the last few days.

The foreign language thing is a pretty big barrier.  They even had English menus at dinner, but we still couldn't tell what we were ordering.  They basically used French words with English grammar in their descriptions.  Asking for clarification rarely shed any more light on the issues.  In England, sometimes it "felt like" they were speaking another language, but in France they actually are.

They drive on the "right" side of the road, and seem relatively sane compared to drivers in London.  Their road signs are not very intuitive, even though they are symbolic instead of in French.  That was the first place we had to drive, and it would appear that similar to America, it is required to check your brain as security for your rental car.  I was just the guy in the backseat, calmly giving directions based on my GPS enabled phone, while my dad and brother, regardless of which was actually driving, panicked every time we came to an intersection, or heaven-forbid, a toll plaza.  The French navigation system wasn't helping, especially since it was usually configured incorrectly, but my dad was convinced that the rental company was tracking us with it, in case we were speeding.  It did give us warnings when it thought we were speeding, which was a little weird, but its speed limits didn't always match the ones posted on the signs.

There was a picture of a naked girl in my hotel room, which I guess is the French idea of art.  The building we were staying in was built in the 1400's, which makes it one of the relatively newer ones in the area.  Normandy is an interesting place, because it had it's hey-day in the 1100's, shortly after William the Conqueror invaded England from there.  And with the exception of the D-Day landings during WWII, not much of significance has happened there since.  There is a village every two miles in any direction, with a church and about ten buildings, and then narrow winding roads to each of the surrounding villages.  I do find it amusing that the French spent the last 1000 years trying to prevent the English from invading their shores, and then suddenly in the 1940s, were doing everything they could to encourage them to do so.

Our visit to Mont-Saint-Michel was quite impressive.  The fact that people were able to build a huge cathedral on top of a steep mountain, on what is essentially an island, without any form of power tools, is pretty amazing.  It is a marvel of engineering, in a variety of ways.  Of course that explains why it took them a thousand years to build it, and they are still working on it.  It would have been impressive to see it at high tide, which creates a serious moat, but instead it was just really swampy and gross at the base of the wall.  Anyhow, it was interesting to see, and I am quite confident that there is nothing like it in America.

Thoughts on being American vs English

Seeing how things operate in a different part of the world causes one to examine the world they are familiar with from a different perspective.  It has only been a couple of days, but I have already been able to observe a number of interesting patterns and differences between England and the US.

The first one is related to the way museums are laid out.  Anyone who has ever been to an Ikea has to have noticed that those stores are designed differently.  It is a linear experience, where you get directed from one section to another in order.  Good luck skipping ahead, and make sure you don't have to go back for something you forgot.  Almost every other store in America is laid out completely differently, giving customers the freedom to go where ever they want to, in any order.  But Ikea is a Swedish company, and they think differently in Europe.  In regards to museums, a similar pattern is visible.  Most of the ones I have seen in England are laid out with a specific path for the viewer to follow.  Sometimes this is enforced by the design and layout of the walls, while in others it is merely recommended.  This rarely happens in the US, because Americans value their freedom, and could even take offense to the idea that someone is going to dictate the path they should take through a museum.  I know a few people who dislike Ikea for the same reason.  America was originally colonized by groups of people who highly valued their individual freedom, and while certain specifics may have gotten off track over the course of a couple hundred intervening years, the underlying idea is still prized in our culture.

Traffic in England absolutely blows my mind, and not because they drive on the opposite side of the road.  No one seems to follow any conventional traffic laws, and people generally do whatever they want.  They park on both sides of the street, and totally ignore "lanes" or any of those frivolities.  There is no "English" translation for the term "jaywalking" and good luck trying to describe the idea to anyone here.  There are cops on every corner, but I have never seen them actually "do" anything.  On the flip side, everyone appears to be very conscious of the importance of taking care of themselves, because no one else is going to.  You look both ways before crossing the street, not only because cars could be coming from either side, but because they aren't going to stop for you, or even slow down.  That intuitively seems like it would be a much more American (aka selfish) idea, but on the contrary, from what I always hear, even in Boston or LA, traffic in the US is the most civilized in the world.

Americans expect the government to protect them from everything, including bad drivers, and even the weather.  This may stem from them originally expecting the government to protect them from religious persecution.  Besides that, it seems like a very un-American idea, for a country founded by a group of independent individualists.  But Americans are big fans of law and order, and it is reflected in our driving patterns.

Americans are also big fans of big things.  There are no pickup trucks or full sized SUVs in London.  And our hotel rooms were pretty tight to say the least.  And the three of us couldn't fit in the elevator at once without touching.

I read up on a few of the dialog differences before I left, but there were a few terms that seem to have gotten overlooked.  I ordered a lemonade on the flight over, and was handed a can of what was essentially Sprite.  And don't even get me started on water; I have no idea how Europeans don't die of dehydration.  The fact that sausage is referred to as a "banger" is quite amusing to me, since the primary link I can imagine there refers to sex.  And when the next question is "how bout a whack of mash with your banger?" it's hard to keep a straight face.

I passed through the Chunnel, 600 feet below the sea, while writing this.  So that was yet another remarkable feat of engineering to experience.  Anyhow, it will be interesting to see how England compares to France, over the next few days.

The Possibility of Not Coming Back

I have had a number of unusual and somewhat awkward conversations in the course of making preparations for my trip to Europe.  It is always strange to discuss the possibility of your own death, which has been a topic recently.  The trip that I am about to embark on is no more dangerous than my usual ones.  Actually, it is probably much less so, since I won't be filming military exercises or working at heights.  The difference this time is that all of my immediate family is with me, so if we all fall victim to the same tragic incident, there will be no one left back home to "take care of things."

So I have had to talk with a couple different people about what should happen in that extremely unlikely eventuality.  Most of the details of those arrangements I am not comfortable talking directly about with anyone, even those involved, for a variety of reasons, including the overwhelmingly likely possibility of my safe return.  So instead, after giving each individual a general heads up about the existence of the issue, I wrote a series of letters to different people, to be found and sent if that situation arises.

That combined with creating and signing a will for the first time in my life was kind of a strange experience as well, since that is not something you can do in private, but requires numerous witnesses.  Anyhow, I have done it, and in such a way that I shouldn't need to revisit the issue for a long time, at least not until I get married.

The tricky part is to set things up in such a way that accounts for both the possibility of an individual issue, or one that affects the rest of my family.  Lean too far towards assuming one scenario, and the other will not be sufficiently accounted for.  Not that you can ever really fully prepare for things like this anyway, only God can.

So tomorrow I will be on my way to Europe, on my first international adventure.  Lord willing, I will return in two weeks.  (But if I am destined to die in a plane crash on this trip, given the preference, I would like it to be on the way back;)

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

I have had quite the intense series of experiences, since my last post about vulnerability.  I am very much in favor of vulnerability on paper, but experiencing it isn't always how I imagine when writing about it.  The title was "The Power of Vulnerability," and it should be remembered that things which are powerful are inherently dangerous.  Dangerous things should be handled with care, and deliberate precision to avoid hurting someone.  So I usually experiment with vulnerability in very controlled circumstances.  I had an experience that was very counter to that approach, later that day.  And exactly as I had written, I saw that I had the opportunity to withdraw from the situation, but chose not to, after a pause to recognize that fact.  Vulnerability can not be forced upon someone no matter how crazy or unexpected the circumstances.  I don't regret that approach to the situation I was confronted with, but it definitely wasn't easy.

I am pretty well known for being very blunt and direct.  Most of my friends can handle that kind of objectivity pretty well, because if they couldn't, we wouldn't still be friends.  The best example of this, is probably something I told a friend a few months back when she was struggling with an issue that affected her physical appearance.  "You're very physically attractive, so occasional bouts of ugliness could be a good thing, to help you identify who really cares about you, and values who you are on the inside."  (And we are still friends, believe it or not.)  So with this in mind, I was somewhat surprised to realize the degree to which I have not been direct in one particular situation over the last year.  In an effort to avoid being offensive or threatening in any way, I had been going in the opposite direction to an unhealthy degree.  I am seeing the negative results of that happening, so I don't expect to make that mistake again anytime soon.

I think I am pretty good at dealing with rejection.  (That comes from having lots of experience;)  But I got to experience rejection from the opposite side for the first time last week.  It was a fairly minor situation, and even then was much harder than I would have expected.  I don't fully understand why it is that challenging, especially with someone you hardly know, but I am sure the issue is magnified, the closer you are to the person in question.  This leads to the issue of leaving a door open, to soften the impact.  Ironically this is something I did last week, without even being conscious of it, and for no real good reason.  So I can now understand the temptation to do so in even tougher situations, but the results are probably rarely good.  Without having some first hand experience from that perspective, nothing I was told, or read in books, would have really conveyed that level of understanding.

I also frequently tell people, "I would rather have the hard truth that be living a lie."  That is another concept that has recently been illustrated to me as a solid reality.  I am still confident that it is wise and true, but not always easy.  Still, in the long run the benefits will outweigh initial pain.

Hope and attraction are not the same thing.  They are distinctly different emotions, and both very powerful motivators, but they don't have to be inherently tied together.  I was aware of what is looked like to have one without the other, but not the reverse.  There are a number of people in the past who I have been attracted to, that my better judgment told me were not individuals with whom it would be wise to pursue a closer relationship with.  So I didn't hope to do so, but that didn't affect the reality that, I at some level found them attractive.  That is the more obvious form, but is the reverse possible?  I am not sure, but I am aware of the power of hope.  And as is the case with vulnerability, that power can be dangerous if not handled with care.

The Power of Vulnerability

I have just watched an interesting series of TED talks by Brené Brown.  She studies vulnerability, which seems like a pretty esoteric job, but she makes some interesting points, that I can relate to.  This has provided an unexpected segue from my recent topic of privacy, to the next set I have been preparing.

The opposite of privacy is vulnerability.  Privacy is keeping people out of our lives, while vulnerability is letting them in.  Keeping people out, to prevent them from hurting us, also prevents them from helping us.  Letting them in is to risk rejection, but the potential rewards are great.  The only way we are going to develop deep connections with other people, is by being willing to let them in, to reveal our true selves, and be vulnerable to them.  This desire for deep connection with others is part of how God designed us as humans, to connect both with him and each other.  So what makes it so difficult to let ourselves feel vulnerable?  It would appear to be shame that hinders the process.  Shame gives us a fear of disconnection from others, based on judgment of our own imperfections and weaknesses.

"Vulnerability is not weakness…it is our most accurate measurement of courage." (Brené Brown)  Being vulnerable requires courage, and won't exist without it.  While external situations can weaken us, they cannot force us to be vulnerable against our will.  The alternative of building up walls is always an available reaction to situations where we find ourselves in a position of weakness.  Those walls eventually imprison us, cutting us off from connecting with those around us.  The only way to counter these walls built of fear and shame is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability comes in many forms.  Some forms are obvious, like the process of pursuing romantic relationships, while others are more subtle, like sharing creative ideas at work.  I have a very interesting track record in that regard, being well known in my industry for my technical innovation and expertise, I still shy away from offering my opinion on "creative" issues.  The value of what I say in the technical realm is measured against how true it turns out to be.  The value of what I say in the realm of creative ideas is measured against how much other people like my ideas.  You have to be willing to be wrong in order to venture into the creative realm.  While it is possible to be wrong about technical issues, the smarter and more experienced you are, the less that will happen.  With creative issues, not everyone is going to like your ideas, no matter how "good" they are.  So you have to be prepared to accept criticism if you are going to step into that realm.  Being prepared to accept criticism is clearly a manifestation of vulnerability, and I am aware that I steer well clear of offering creative ideas, and for that reason.

Being willing to try new things requires vulnerability as well.  We run the risk of discomfort or failure whenever we try something new.  If we are unwilling to accept that risk, we will never be able to grow or change.  Being willing to step out of our comfort zone is a prerequisite for growth, but that requires a willingness to be vulnerable.  So if allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is instrumental to our growth, how do we do that?  I am sure there are many answers, but being more open with others is a good first step.  And how does one go about doing that, when it can be so uncomfortable?  One deliberate way is to let others see our thoughts and feelings, which is what I have been trying to do on here.