I didn't realize the degree to which this was a problem, until talking with a friend of mine who works in a retail environment. She is an attractive girl, and was telling me how customers frequently hit on her or ask her out. I am of the opinion that relationships should be developed on the basis of more than just physical appearance, which is all that anyone is going on in that situation. On top of that, many of the people approaching her appear to be twice her age. So the question, which I had never really thought much about, is how does one respond in that situation? Instead of just telling them no, or that she doesn't date people over 30 or 40 or whatever, she tells them that she is seeing someone. While that is an admittedly affective way of closing the issue, regardless of whether it's true, I find it interesting that a more direct and truthful answer would not be considered as acceptable as a convenient lie or passive avoidance. Both parties seem to prefer the charade, but that doesn't promote trust between the genders at a cultural level.
In a very different scenario to illustrate the same issue, I have a story that my Mom always used to tell. My parents met as neighbors, and shortly after my Dad first asked my Mom on a date, his roommate did the same thing. In this case, the parties involved actually know each other, so I would say the initial question is a more legitimate one. The part of the story she would always get most excited about was, "and then he made me come up with an excuse for every night for the next two weeks." As in he didn't take a hint that the answer was no. After hearing her tell others this story many times, she brought it up to me during one of our conversations about relationships. My response was to ask, "isn't it your fault for not giving him a straight answer?" She paused, thought for a second, and then responded, "I've told that story to hundreds of people, and no one has ever said that." "Does that make me any less right?" The possibility of giving a straight answer doesn't even occur to most people.
I frequently hear something about wanting to get to know each other better first. Isn't that the point of dating? I guess I have Joshua Harris and the whole Christian anti-dating movement to thank for that, right? Or another popular one is, "I am not ready to be in a relationship right now." Regardless, the end result is the same, no progress, and no closure. This leads to an interesting trust problem. Sometimes those excuses are given hoping that the guy will take a hint, but other times they are legitimate, and the guy just needs to be patient. The trick is to determine which is which, and I make no claim to be able to tell the difference.
I am not certain whether it is an American thing, or universal, but I am certain that it has a negative impact on people and their relationships. It decreases trust in the idea that people will mean what they say. I am not sure what the source of the problem is, maybe television, but it could be something else. Solving the issue isn’t simple either, but deliberately communicating as clearly as possible is a good place to start.
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