Riding the Relationship Rollercoaster

I spent a lot of time with J that summer, especially since my internship had fallen through, and I was on campus all the time.  She helped me re-paint the multimedia lab, and other parts of that project in the evenings.  Her roommate for the summer was one of my friends from the TV Production class, and therefore the Vegas trip, so we all hung out together in the evenings.  And she lived across the hall from the guys I worked with, who I am still friends with now.  I helped her take care of her roommate, who would come home drunk out of her mind on occasion, and we had all sorts of other adventures that summer.

Shortly before school resumed for the year, J was house-sitting for one of the faculty members, and I went to visit her.  After watching a movie, the conversation turned to our relationship.  She basically called the question in regards to whether or not I loved her, and was ready to tell her.  I told her I needed to think and pray about it.  So I had a lot on my mind while I was biking home that night.  My eventual conclusion to do so was based on two things: one I was conscious of, and one I was not, but which is obvious now.  I figured I should be able to say that to her and mean at least as much as she does when she says it, so that can't be wrong (and I was probably afraid of losing her, because I appreciated the role she played in my life).

So the next night when I went to see her, and at the appropriate moment, dropped that line.  The response was not what I was anticipating.  She was stunned for a moment, and then confused, and eventually started sobbing, but not in a good way.  Over the course of a half hour, it was revealed that basically she had been bluffing.  She had called that question expecting me to refuse, as I had in the past.  That would have given her grounds to break up with me, but leave it my fault. (Not that we were really even "together" but there was no real question that we basically were.)  It seems she was starting to develop feelings for the guy she was working with in San Jose, and was curious to explore that possibility.

So that night we ended with her being the one that needed to think and pray about things, and make a decision.  At a certain level, my role putting up with all this was ridiculous, since I wasn't even that emotionally attached to her.  But I was "used to" her, and she played a significant role in my life.  I liked spending time with her, and was probably not emotionally mature enough to have a deeper relationship with someone else, so I was sacrificing little by sticking around.  But the process probably had a serious impact on my ability to trust females, especially in regards to meaning what they are saying.

This time around, she ended up choosing me, which was a nice change, and probably a positive thing in regards to growth and confidence.  That marked the point of us definitively being back together again, and in a deeper and more significant relationship, as we went into the next school year.  Looking back, it’s hard to believe that whole on-and-off series of events took place in less than a year, from when Lindsay originally schemed to set us up together.