What Does it Mean to be Independent or Free?

I don't like having to rely on other people for anything.  Nor do I like anyone else having any significant level of control over me.  This seems to permeate every aspect of my life.  I am an independent contractor at work, who sets his own schedule, and is accorded a great deal of flexibility.  I am a volunteer at the camps I work at, allowing me the option of foregoing any individual responsibility, if I so desire.  I spend much less than I make, allowing me to invest in my freedom in the future, in a variety of ways.

While I rarely actually take advantage of that level of freedom and independence, I greatly value knowing that I have the option available, if I need it.  As with anything in life, the more I utilize that option in the present, the less freedom I will have to do so in the future.  Similar to the idea that money you spend today, will not be available to spend tomorrow.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't spend it, just that you should carefully evaluate the value of doing so.  Having a lot of money that you never spend is not much different than not having it at all.  Similarly, having a great deal of freedom, and never exercising it is a waste, and God calls us to be wise stewards of everything he has blessed us with.

Everything that we have, and everything that we want, has the potential to limit us.  Things that we want are more obvious, in that they affect our motivations and desires.  Things that we already have can limit us as well, if we are afraid of losing them.  In both scenarios, the potential limitations arise from a lack of trust in God, and his provision for us.

So how does this desire for independence affect my relationship with God?  Do I know how to rely on God?  While I am conscious of the fact that I usually have an initial impulse to try to take care of things on my own, God has seen fit to provide me with a variety of challenges that I clearly can't overcome alone.  God didn't intend for man to be alone, and I am only beginning to understand that concept.  He has been showing me that recently through the assistance of other people around me.

I am still a bit uncomfortable with the idea of being dependent on those around me, since they have the potential to fail me, and probably will at some point.  But that is a risk that has to be taken in order to enjoy the benefits that others can bring to our lives.  I have definitely experienced the support of people "being there for me" over the last few weeks, but also the pain felt when they are not.  I still struggle in my heart with the balance of determining whether or not it is all worth it from an emotional perspective, but I know it is the right thing to do.  It is really hard for me to trust other people enough to rely on them, but being independent of them means going it alone.

I do find it ironic that with all this freedom, the primary thing that I actually do desire, is to raise a family.  With a wife and kids, I will have to give up much of that freedom and independence.  Part of me is afraid that I will have difficulty doing that up when the time comes.  But another part of me hopes that my current freedom allows me to better prepare for that future, and that independence from certain "normal" outside responsibilities will free me up to do a better job in that role when the time comes.  As is always the case, we are free to give up our independence if the situation calls for it.