A Shift Toward Stories While I am Traveling

I will be away from home for the next couple of months, so in order to be able to continue posting on here regularly, I am intending to focus on stories since they require less time to compose.  And I will be doing less heavy reading, which usually provides much of the source for the ideas I discuss on here.  I am planning to pause my exhaustive reading of the ESV Study Bible while I am traveling, and read The Message version of the New Testament while I am on the road for the same reason.  I am trying to continue reading and writing with the same level of regularly, just a reduced level of depth.

Stories are one aspect of what I was trying to accomplish via this site, which I haven't really focused on as much as I originally intended.  I want to tell stories that about things I have experienced that have gotten me to where I am today.  That should provide my readers with greater context for the more theoretical and academic topics that I explore.

I would like to try to post things in chronological order as much as possible, but that won't be a hard rule.  I am sure that dwelling on certain stories will invariably remind me of other previous events that I had forgotten to include up to that point.  So it will probably jump around a bit, but the general progression should be there.  And I am aiming for the same level of frequency, but no guarantees.  It is going to be a pretty busy trip, not that the last one wasn't.

What Does it Mean to be Independent or Free?

I don't like having to rely on other people for anything.  Nor do I like anyone else having any significant level of control over me.  This seems to permeate every aspect of my life.  I am an independent contractor at work, who sets his own schedule, and is accorded a great deal of flexibility.  I am a volunteer at the camps I work at, allowing me the option of foregoing any individual responsibility, if I so desire.  I spend much less than I make, allowing me to invest in my freedom in the future, in a variety of ways.

While I rarely actually take advantage of that level of freedom and independence, I greatly value knowing that I have the option available, if I need it.  As with anything in life, the more I utilize that option in the present, the less freedom I will have to do so in the future.  Similar to the idea that money you spend today, will not be available to spend tomorrow.  That doesn't mean you shouldn't spend it, just that you should carefully evaluate the value of doing so.  Having a lot of money that you never spend is not much different than not having it at all.  Similarly, having a great deal of freedom, and never exercising it is a waste, and God calls us to be wise stewards of everything he has blessed us with.

Everything that we have, and everything that we want, has the potential to limit us.  Things that we want are more obvious, in that they affect our motivations and desires.  Things that we already have can limit us as well, if we are afraid of losing them.  In both scenarios, the potential limitations arise from a lack of trust in God, and his provision for us.

So how does this desire for independence affect my relationship with God?  Do I know how to rely on God?  While I am conscious of the fact that I usually have an initial impulse to try to take care of things on my own, God has seen fit to provide me with a variety of challenges that I clearly can't overcome alone.  God didn't intend for man to be alone, and I am only beginning to understand that concept.  He has been showing me that recently through the assistance of other people around me.

I am still a bit uncomfortable with the idea of being dependent on those around me, since they have the potential to fail me, and probably will at some point.  But that is a risk that has to be taken in order to enjoy the benefits that others can bring to our lives.  I have definitely experienced the support of people "being there for me" over the last few weeks, but also the pain felt when they are not.  I still struggle in my heart with the balance of determining whether or not it is all worth it from an emotional perspective, but I know it is the right thing to do.  It is really hard for me to trust other people enough to rely on them, but being independent of them means going it alone.

I do find it ironic that with all this freedom, the primary thing that I actually do desire, is to raise a family.  With a wife and kids, I will have to give up much of that freedom and independence.  Part of me is afraid that I will have difficulty doing that up when the time comes.  But another part of me hopes that my current freedom allows me to better prepare for that future, and that independence from certain "normal" outside responsibilities will free me up to do a better job in that role when the time comes.  As is always the case, we are free to give up our independence if the situation calls for it.

The Value of Seeing Things Clearly - Seeing the Value of Things Clearly

I gave something away recently, and the recipient’s reaction was very different than I expected.  I am a very practical person, so I like to see resources be utilized.  I am very conscious of needs that I see, and finding creative ways to meet them.  I have recently come into possession of a lot of items I don't really have much use for, and have been trying to find ways to connect them with people who need them.  A variety of them have no obvious immediate practical use, and I will compare the items in question to appliances that have had their power cords cut off.  My initial reaction was to assume they needed to be donated somewhere or trashed, even though they had previous been valuable.

But it eventually occurred to me that if I replaced the “power cords,” they could potentially be useful to someone who actually needs something like that.  But it isn't worth the time and expense of repairing them unless someone actually wants to use them.  I realized that someone I know has needed one of these things for a long time, and I had even offered to buy one for them in the past, but it had never happened.  So my practical side led me to make the offer, even though the item in question was fairly old and used.  If they were interested in using it, I intended to replace the power cord for them, so that it would actually be fully functional again.

Instead, the person I offered it to was more interested in the aesthetic and sentimental value of the object in question, and had no real interest in actually making it functional, even though it is something they actually needed.  My initial reaction was, “whatever makes you happy.”  A bit later, the practical side of me was confident that I should make sure to fix it anyway, since it was "needed," regardless of what they wanted.  But I realized that what had happened was that my gift had been stripped of all practical use, which bothered me.  But that the recipient still valued it, just for other reasons, so I should too.  This helped me recognize the other aspects of the value in what I had given away, which had been less immediately apparent to me.  I almost value it more, now that I have seen all practical value stripped away, than I did when I saw it as a solution to an existing problem.  But I still intend to find a solution to that problem, even if by totally different means, because that's just who I am.

The Value of Friends

It may not be too difficult to identify from my recent posts, that the last few weeks have been a very difficult time.  At times my friends have been amazingly helpful in this process, and at other times it felt like they were nowhere to be found.  That was probably mostly a perception issue, but there is great value to having people that you know you can count on to be there for you.  Things have been improving greatly in that regard, specifically over the last week and even more so in the last 48 hours.  I have had the chance to see most of my friends, including ones I rarely see from places like SoCal or the Bay Area, and even South Africa.  And I have had the time to just relax and enjoy being with them.  I no longer feel like finding someone to talk to is a challenging ordeal.

There is a big difference between talking to someone one-on-one, and having a group conversation.  Each has its place and value in the context of a relationship.  Most of the last month has been fairly heavily weighted in favor of one-on-one talks, which was what I needed, to help me sort out issues with death, emotions, and family relationships.  And then the last couple days I have had many more people around, so most of my conversations have been group oriented.  Even just adding a third person totally changes the dynamic, and while it usually steers things into less deep topics, the results are usually a more relaxing experience.  And adding even more people makes that effect stronger, without deliberate intervention.  It is possible to have a group conversation about pretty deep issues, but it takes a skilled facilitator to make that happen, as well as a little help from God.

Trusting people is fairly challenging for me, and is usually a slow process for me to develop.  I realized today, while sitting around a table of my friends, that almost all of the people that I trust most, were sitting right there in front of me, all at the same time.  I was lucky to have that many solid friends, and lucky to have them all there with me.  Ironically I recognized when I got home later, that I had no one to tell about figuring that out, because all of the people I would usually talk to about things like that, had been there.  Never before had so many people that I trust been in one spot, especially to the total exclusion of others  There isn't much that I wouldn't be willing to share with each of these people individually, but in a group setting, the conversation was still relatively light.  Now that type of conversation has its place, although I am usually less consciously aware of the benefits of that, as I am after having a really good deep talk with someone.  I think God knew what I needed at the time, even if I would never have planned it that way, and made it happen.  The sense of peace I have from realizing that I can just relax with my friends and not worry about anything, is not the outcome I would have expected, but I am definitely not complaining.  Life is weird, and I have said that a lot recently.

Preventing Death vs Raising the Dead

So God has been trying to tell me something this evening, but I am not real sure exactly what.  Here is what has been revealed so far:

There are certain things that people do in relationship with God that I have zero comprehension of.  Flagging is a great example, in that I can’t even imagine doing that, or what would cause someone to try it.  Being drunk in the spirit clearly serves a purpose, even though I can't relate to what it feels like.  It is a cathartic process for releasing emotions, not unlike crying, laughing, or sex.

Healing on the other hand makes perfect sense to me, in that it restores order to creation, and removes pain or imperfection.  It holds death farther at bay, at least temporarily.  I can grasp how that works and why, as an expression of God's love for us.  The next logical step is to examine the idea of raising the dead.  This is different than healing, in that in works in direct opposition to death.  People do get raised from the dead, and it is clearly God doing that, as opposed to the devil, since death is a result of sin.  This makes death inherently bad, regardless of the fact that it is an inevitable situation that we all risk facing at any moment, and all will eventually.

If death was an instantaneous transportation into God's presence, raising someone from the dead would not be an act of mercy or love, on God's part.  This logically leads to the idea that whatever happens when we die, it is probably not a super positive process, especially during the transition.  If it was, God wouldn't raise people from the dead, even for the purpose of comforting those they had left behind.

It was prophesied over me about a year ago that I would raise people from the dead.  (Not in some metaphorical way, and not as something that I would lead up to with years of progressive healing, but just an abrupt event.)  I have only had one opportunity to try that since then, and it would appear that is not when God intended to use me in that way.

The inherently negative aspects of death are probably not the healthiest thing to be pondering in light of recent events, but it's not like I chose this topic.  This entire concept was just dropped on my all at once in the middle of a worship session this evening, out of the blue.  Maybe it's just an obvious, logical train of thought that I have been avoiding for a while, as a natural defense mechanism in my situation.  It isn't having any negative emotional impact on me at the moment, but it is a bit worrisome.  Anyhow, I am assuming I have not yet discovered the final conclusion that God is trying to show me, but I thought it was important to write down the process so far before I went to bed.  And who knows, maybe one of my readers can reveal the rest of the conclusion to me.

What do Your Belongings Reveal About You?

Sorting through someone's belongings is an interesting process.  I have helped people move in the past, and have come across some unexpected items.  But in cleaning out my Mom's house, I am learning all sorts of things about her.  Some of those things only further cement ideas I already had about her, while others fly in the face of my preconceived notions.  Some are simple or humorous, while others are more significant.

I think my favorite example was her absentee ballot, which was filled out, but not sealed.  I decided not to mail it, since idea of dead people voting is not very popular. (JFK, Chicago, 1960)  When I looked at it, I was amused to see that my Mom, an outspoken Republican, was still registered as a Democrat.  I recall her mentioning needing to change that many years ago, but she obviously never did.  But she would never vote for a candidate she didn't support, so instead of Obama, she wrote in one of our family friends.  My Dad was listed for State Assembly.  Some other non-partisan offices had regular votes.  But the whole thing was totally different than how I would have expected my mother to approach the voting process.

She wrote ton's of things down, all the time, many of which I am finding around the house.  It gives you a window into what she was thinking about at the time.  The issue is that you can't tell when she wrote them, and she never threw anything away, so I can find two notes saying things that are completely opposite.  But in general, they give you a pretty good idea of what she was thinking about and what she cared about.

One of the prime topics I am most interested in is her perspective on her relationship with my Dad.  Since we "inherit" many of our relationship habits and problems from our parents, I am always trying to better understand my parent's situation. (Primarily to ensure that my eventual marriage takes a very different course) She had written all sorts of things down about that, but once again, without dates, it is hard to identify what she was thinking when.  And thoughts and feelings change over the duration of a relationship, so timing is an important aspect in understanding what happened.  But I have learned a number of things that are very important, and will help me in the future, once I am married, or at least on that trajectory.

It makes me wonder what things I have that people would be surprised to find.  I don't think they would be too shocked by any of it, but I am sure the question of "why was he saving these?" would come up a few times. (But not as many times as I have wanted to ask my Mom that)  Going through text documents on my laptop would probably reveal a few interesting things, but over time I am deliberately sharing those things on here, so there will be fewer and fewer surprises, the longer I continue doing this.

When to Cry, and With Whom

Crying is an interesting concept to me.  I remember crying quite frequently when I was much younger, followed by a half hour of hyperventilating in extreme cases.  Since 1993, the closest I have come to crying is getting a little teary-eyed, or a bit choked up.

I used to take pride in the fact that nothing anyone could do to me would cause me to cry.  That probably fit heavily into my definition of "strong," and was part of my attempt to bring a sense of control to a very difficult situation.  Eventually I came to realize that crying is a natural process, and probably healthy in certain circumstances.  By that point the subconscious reflex to suppress any impulse to cry, was so strong that I no longer had much conscious control over it.

I never have had much of an impulse to cry when I am alone, but the more people there are around, the less I want to cry.  In those cases, I consciously let the suppression reflex kick in, probably out of fear, not being sure what will happen if I finally cry after such a long time.  The strongest urge I have felt to cry was about eight years ago at my grandfather's funeral, right as I was about speak in front of the service.  That was "not the time" in my conscious opinion, so I let that impulse get suppressed by my own defense mechanism.

It would seem that, at least in my case, "crying" is probably best accomplished in a one-on-one environment, since that is the only way I could imagine consciously letting it happen.  The situation would have to be safe enough for me to let go, but not so safe as to dissipate the underlying tension that boils over as crying.

If crying is a way of releasing pent-up emotional tension, then my experiences with it have not been emptying the cup so much as sloshing a bit over the side, making it easier to prevent it from spilling any more after that point.  But the bulk of the built-up tension remains unaffected, which is probably a negative thing.

The events of the past two weeks have brought to light many issues in the way that I "process emotions."  It is hard to tell what is good or bad about my approach in the present, but I am sure hindsight will provide an interesting perspective in the future.  I either process them so quickly that I nearly miss them, or so slowly that it’s imperceivable.  The contrast between how my brother and I react to similar situations is pretty extreme.  While he would likely be described as “normal,” I probably come off as cold and uncaring, but I also am able to remain calm and lead in extremely trying circumstances.  I am sure that comes at a cost, but I still don't fully understand what that cost is.

I was reading a book last month, which constantly made reference to meeting "emotional needs."  I had no idea what the author was trying to get at, even though that was an important part of what he was talking about, since almost no specific examples were ever given.  Now I am beginning to understand what those "needs" are.  I still can't quantify or describe them, but I recognize that they exist, and I guess that is a logical first step.  I believe that an opportunity to cry is one of those needs, but I don't seem to be able to make that happen.  And I recognize that the action of crying, while functional in restoring balance to the body, is just a physical manifestation of a much more significant emotional issue.