Closing Doors

I have never been one to deliberately close doors in my life.  This has the effect of giving me lots of options at any given moment, but also comes at a cost.  Managing a lot of open doors can be challenging, and most doors require some level of attention and maintenance.  Sometimes doors probably just need to be closed, otherwise why would they need to exist, when just a doorway would be fine.  But that is not something I have much experience doing, and I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.  I believe that the trend in general can be a bad thing, since I hesitate to do it at all, even when I should, but each specific instance seems like it has been a potentially good thing not to do so.

Career wise, I make myself available to a variety of different companies and organizations.  That is how I support myself financially, and I get paid well for being available, but it occasionally leads to challenging situations.  Sometimes two groups have conflicting needs, and I have to prioritize my time between the two, and sometimes the magnitude of the needs in general can start to consume my life.  But I rarely deliberately close out one of those consulting relationships, even if it ceases to be particularly beneficial to me, whether it is out of loyalty, or hope for future improvement, or just a straight up desire to have employment options available, I am not sure.  Some of those arrangements do end, usually fading out over time, but with the door not locked to future possibilities.

In the context of relationships, I very rarely close doors on people, at least once they have been clearly opened.  I don't always open the door for strangers, at least not right away.  It usually takes me a little while to warm up to people.  I make a point of not doing things to push people away.  I don't necessarily deliberately end my relationships with people who offend or hurt me.  Maybe I should in certain cases, for my own mental health, but I don't, usually blindly assuming that is the right thing to do.  Other people close doors on me, and while I would prefer that didn't happen, I know it is just part of life, and I am used to it.  But I don't necessarily lock it on my side when they do get closed.  I have a number of "friendships" that are pretty dormant, but I don't necessarily end them.  I have recognized that certain people only come to me when they need something, and I try to set healthy boundaries there, without cutting them out of my life entirely.

I have never blocked someone on Facebook, or ignored their phone calls or texts.  I may take longer to get back to certain people, especially if they haven't communicated an urgent need, but I don't deliberately ignore them.  And when I realize that I have let something slip farther through the cracks than I intended, I usually feel guilty about that, although it is never intentional.

Clearly I am in the habit of not closing doors in my life unless absolutely necessary.  So recently, when I was in a situation where most people would have very deliberately closed a door, I felt a strong urge not to.  I felt like God was telling me not to, but that was not exactly an audible voice or anything.  I had to deal with the question of whether that was just me not wanting to do something that I usually avoided, or actually God trying to tell me something.  I didn't know what he could be trying to tell me, and I didn't have any good reason not to, but I still waited.  The door is closed now, and that is an acceptable and healthy outcome.  I still wonder if I was correct in believing that I wasn't supposed to close it, and if so, why not?  But I don't necessarily expect an answer to that question anytime soon.  I just hope I have a clearer idea of what to do and why, the next time I am faced with a door that needs to be closed.